I'm new to this so please bear with me. I found out my husband of 18 yrs. was cheating on me 2 and 1/2 years ago. He admitted to several one night stands. He is a police officer and works nights. Anyway, he seemed truely sorry and willing to do anything. So, we decided to try to work it out. We have 2 teenagers and a tween. He was deployed for a year, which was rough but we talked everyday using skype. It seemed to be going well until he came home and went back to work. He had been being super sweet, helping cook, talking, texting me at work. Seemed so happy to be home and to be with us. Now I know he's having a hard time getting used to his new schedule but he seems to be withdrawing from me. He seems to always have his phone with him so I looked thru it one day. I told him i was having trying but trusting was hard for me. He got so mad...he said forgive and forget! He said he wasn't going to live like this. I told him I wasn't acusing him of anything. I just don't know what to do. I am so confused. Why would he get so mad. I know I shouldn't have looked thru his phone and now I wish I hadn't. There were old messages from girls on it. I feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest. I want to trust him but I am having a hard time with it. That's all I was trying to say to him. I thought we would talk about it and...idk what I thought.

Heartbeat, i am sorry you are here but you have come to the right place.

I am a FWW. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt he is having an A. Read all of the Basic Concepts, Q&A Columns, and Articles listed in the tabs above. Yes, you definitely should be looking at his phone. Spy as much as you can to determine the facts about what he is up to. Someone will likely post the Spying 101 thread. Once you gather all of the necessary facts it will be time for you to act, quickly. You should familiarize yourself with Plan A and Plan B. There are many threads that give instructions for those.

My humble opinion of the best tool for ending an A and beginning R: EXPOSURE!! Once you get all of the facts, you will expose the A to family, friends, coworkers . . . . anyone who will put pressure on him not to engage in an A. It worked for my H and me. Exposure has often been described as turning on a light in a room full of roaches. They scurry!! Exposure seems really scary but it is HIGHLY effective.

Good luck. There are many folks who will be along to help you.

Welcome heartbeat - sorry you're here, but you've come to the right place.

Let's break this down.
- Your WH (wayward husband) has had several ONS (one night stands.)
- After these horrible betrayals, he has insisted that you forgive and forget.
- You are unable to do so - and you shouldn't! You don't forget adultery! It's like murder to the soul!
- He keeps his phone with him at all times.
- After telling you to forgive and forget, you manage to get his phone and lo and behold! old texts from skankhos are on it!

You have a wayward husband (at the risk of stating the obvious.) Worse, he is unrepentant, and as long as he is telling you to get over it, he remains unrepentant. AND he remains wayward.

There is nothing for you to get over! You are the victim of a horrible crime against your M, and it was perpetrated by the person you should trust more than anyone - your own husband!

Start reading on this site. You need to learn more about why people cheat. Your WH appears to be a serial cheater. He has done nothing to earn any trust from you. And he has no reason to - he has faced no consequences for his actions.

What do you want to do, heartbeat? What are your goals? How can we help?

heartbeat:


Trust him? You gotta be kidding.

On the other hand, you can trust him to be who he is and thus you have a choice. You can allow him to practice adultery until he gets it right and then divorces you, or you can learn how to use the tools here to maybe avoid that fate.

Up to you.

1. You can learn how to (usually) bust up an affair.
2. You can learn how to (usually) get him to want you instead of all the skank hos he sees on the job.
3. You can both learn how to have a great marriage.

But most important;

4. You can learn marriage and relationship tools you can use for the rest of your LIFE! And you can practice on husband while he practices hoing around. No harm, he already screwed up.

You may or may not get him back. Up to how much you learn and how willing you are to change parts of yourself to deal with life as it is for you. He doesn't know it, yet, but you can own him and understand everything he says or does through a filter of why he said that and what it really means. I promise.

Post in detail and often. Use paragraphs like I do so you are easy to read. You will learn what you need to learn to take charge of your life. And I can see three reasons why you need to do that, mom.

After I see a couple of posts, I am going to play back his words that you detailed and what they mean. Well, if someone else doesn't do it first. We have heard it all here and we know what they really mean because they all say the same things. Besides, we have a great weapon here for you; former waywards who will tell you the truth when your husband lies his face off.

And the truth and how to use the truth will help you get straight instead of confused and hurting.

Larry

Ask HIM to forget that you went and looked at his phone. (this is sarcasm)

Your H is being defensive and ridiculous.



Ask your H the following:

"What are willing to do to reassure me that you are not having inappropriate contact with other women?"

His response to this request, will tell you what you want to know.

1. A truly innocent man will be HAPPY to provide you with proof ... "Here, look at my phone. I have nothing to hide."

2. A not so innocent man will accuse YOU of all sorts of crimes.
"You are controlling."
"You don't trust me."
"You're crazy."


Tell H that you need reassurance that he is not becoming involved with any extramarital activities (of any sort) with women. Ask for his HELP in providing you this reassurance.

If he is hostile to your request ... he's got something to hide.

Heartbeat,
you are truly in the right place. You'll get the best support here.

listen to the advice others here will give you. Your H was wayward once, you should never forget that, no matter what he says. That part of your story bothers me. I'm constantly checking up on my FWH... Because he knows I need to and must in order to learn to trust him again. The fact your H is having issues with it sends up red flags...

Again, listen to what other members tell you. Trust me, they won't steer you wrong.

Hugs... Because everyone dealing with this deserves tons of hugs and support.

I have had a very rought couple of weeks!

I got on wh computer while he was at work. Found a bunch of downloaded porn. Listened to a very upset girl leave him a message on skype. Found contacts from yahoo.


I took pics of some of it on my camera and txted it to him. He was soooo mad when he came home. Threw the computer and busted it to pieces. Said he wasn't going to live like this.


After he went to sleep I got on his yahoo and chatted one of the girls. She didn't know he was married. They have been talking for a year and having web sex. He sent her a nightie. She sent him pics. She told me she thought he had cancelled this email cuz he opened another one(that I didn't know about). I tried to get into it but couldn't.

I showed him our conversation. He said he didn't think it was cheating at first. Was a way to forget about the stuff happening while he was in Iraq. Said since I didn't feel comfortable doing that he found it else where. Plus he talked to her about what he was going thru over there. Didn't want to worry me he said.

Later he said it was not my fault. He thinks there is something wrong with him. He doesn't even enjoy sex with them, knows it is wrong, but does it anyway. Says he doesn't know why. He says he loves my and doesn't mean to hurt me. That he has always wanted a family that loves. He doesn't know why he pushes us away. He's talking about going to a counselor to help with stuff that happed overseas. Said he would talk about this too.

I love him so much. Our kids were sooooo happy when we decided to stay together. I just don't know how to make it work. I do not trust him. I don't even know if I know everything or if I even want to know more.

1. Quit going to WH with your evidence. It only tells him how you're getting your information and he just avoids those methods of communication in the future.

2. Is contact with OW(s) ongoing? If so, expose. DO NOT tell your WH you will expose. What do you know about exposure?

I think all contact has stopped. WH cancelled all email accounts except for one, wich he gave me the password to. I have access to the private one he was using for the webcam affairs...he thinks it is closed. I have contacted all the contacts, most of wich didn't know he was married and were very appologetic. He is trying to find counseling now for his problem and wants to do marriage counceling with me too. He said anytime I want to look at his phone that I can just pick it up and go thru it. He and I share a computer now too. except for work computers. He doesn't go anywhere w/o me or one of our children for the most part. If he does he calls me often and says I can call him and he will send me pic text of where he is at. I think this is a good start. Thank you so much for the advice (all of you)!!!! I am open to anymore advice!