What Scotty said!

And yes, take care of yourself. Don't take my advice as criticism, I'm just a short answer typer (don't type well so have to "say" it with as few words as possible.)

You are doing really well. Exerting quite a bit of time on your M and him, but what about YOU. I think that is how he has been able to get you to blame yourself for this A...you very quickly take the blame for most things. And devote much time to him...time to take care of Tink (my favorite character BTW), time to get some of that Tinkerbell attitude. Would she put up with this from Peter Pan?

Well, I have my plan. I have written out everything except for the plan B letter. I do focus on myself as well, when I'm thinking about what I am going to do if he does not come back for while or not at all. I have ideas about where I will go to school once the baby is 3-4 months old. I am pretty sure I can get a full ride. I have my family and friends here to support me if I am indeed a single mother for longer than I hope to be.

I do spend a lot of time focusing on the marriage and on my H. I know who he was before and I am just praying a lot to the Lord and asking Him for His help. I know that He doesn't force anyone to do anything and that it will ultimately be up to my WH. BUT I believe God can soften people's hearts and bring conviction that comes like a tsunami. I realize some people will take a long time to turn around, if ever.

I guess I have more faith in my WH than what I should? Rather, I have faith that God can do the impossible. If I sound naive then I guess that's just where I'm at.

I am doing plan A still and I am going to go into plan B if necessary. The Lord will prepare me for whatever road I must take. But I DO believe HE can bring my WH back home. I do believe that. I still love him very much. I have been hurt, but I can address all of that with God and in recovery with my WH. I really want to make it to recovery. I do not want a divorce. I believe my WH does not want a divorce either. He is an addict right now, I realize that. But I know that God is more powerful than any devil. And I know we fight not against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers in high places...behind any addiction is a power that is not of God. But God is stronger than these powers that lead people astray.

I'm doing my plan but please let me hold onto hope that God can help me more than any plan could. Planning is good, don't get me wrong. I will still stick to it. But I believe God hears me. And I believe He wants my marriage to be restored. Please don't say I'm a fool for believing that. It's all I have.

Tinkerbell is my favorite too. And hell no she wouldn't put up with this from peter pan. i don't plan on putting up with this BS. if he is playin the blame game when he comes back for the birth and is not willing to commit to working out our marriage then it will be plan B and don't let the door hit you on your a$$ on the way out! but in my previous post i talked about the power of God. that is my one hope that i am holding onto right now. i do NOT want to go to plan B. but i am not going to ignore the fact that plan A doesn't work alone 85% of the time. the thing is...if Dr.H says that separation is bad and leads to D a lot of the time...then why do we do plan B? sometimes it sounds like once you go to plan B there is NO hope.

Have you read any of the threads of people who have recovered their marriage after going to Plan B? While it is true that separation is a gamble, DrH does recommend it. When? When one of the spouses is not committed to the marriage. Not only for A's but for other reasons too. We are just focusing on A's. Do you think that if you talked to DrH himself that he would recommend you to NOT separate? I believe that if you followed DrH's advice as closely as possible and read as much on here as you can, you would see that the bigger threat to your M is the A itself and NOT the separation.

As far as having faith in God, that's GREAT. Noone is going to tell you not to believe that HE will help guide your WH to the right decisions. Does that mean that you do NOTHING? Maybe part of HIS plan is that you found this place and got the words and a PLan from DrH. I don't know, but that's the way I look at it. I was brought here for a reason. I found this place, I soaked it up and I learned what I could. I am better for it.

I definitely believe God led me here to get information and help. I do not think DrH would tell me NOT to separate if my WH isn't committed after plan A. I know that the A is what will ruin the marriage more than a separation would. What I meant about my faith in God was that I am praying for a turn around sooner rather than later. I am hoping for this because of my baby on the way. I know that I may sound naive or dumb for thinking that could happen, but I won't rule it out. Not yet. I just don't want to think about being alone for a long time unless it comes to that. This is devastating for me. I am still raw.

((((TINK)))) I am not in anyway implying that you stop praying for that. I pray for that too(for you and ME). I didn't mean it to come across that way. I was suggesting that perhaps God is answering your prayers. I don't believe that God answers our prayers by doing things for us. I think HE does it by guiding us to the right solutions. It is what we do with it that is the answer to our prayer.

HE can't make us do anything but he can show us the way. Which step we take is up to us.

Anything is possible. You may NOT have to do Plan B, but since the stats are greater that you will, just prepare for that outcome and hope you don't have to. Hope for the BEST, Plan for the worst.

Dear WH,

Our love and our history carries with it many memories of beauty and a love that enriched our lives. We have now added three children to this life together - creating a family bond between us forever, no matter what happens.

Over the last few months, you entered into an affair with another woman that has devastated our marriage, and our relationship has suffered because of the presence of (put her name here). I know, without a doubt, that we can recover the wonderful marriage and love we once had, because that foundation still exists within the both of us - the foundation of love for one another and for our children.

This love is something I hold very precious and close to my heart. And it is that love that I must protect now. You see, as each day has passed knowing that you continue to choose (vampira) over me and the kids, I have felt my love for you eroding away. I don't want that to happen, because I love you more than words can say. I don't want the chance that we can rescue our marriage to erode - so I must protect this love for you.

So it is that I must stop all contact with you, because I find that each time I have contact with you it only serves to make me feel worse and not better. Something has to change before we can get things turned around, and I realize that I am not in control of the things that have to change. I accept this situation, but I can no longer continue with things as they are. I can no longer accept vampira in my marriage.

Please refer all communication through ______________ at (number), unless it is a life or death emergency. Please do not email me, text me, or call me. ____________ will be the intermediary between us, and will take care of business information messages, important information messages, and arrange child exchanges and the like.

We can resume normal communications once the changes that I am talking about happen. I realize and understand these are not under my control, but I am requesting:

1. No further contact with vampira.
2.
3.
4.

Please know that I love you and miss you tremendously. I believe in our marriage, I believe in our love for one another, and I believe in you as a father. Somehow, I will hold onto the faith that you also believe.

All my love,

Tinker

You see, by telling him that you are "not in control" you hand it all over to him. You acknowledge that you are asking for what you want, but at the same time, it is HIS choice to make. You can't make it for him - if he gives it over.....HE CHOSE.

Nobody forced him. Nobody begged. You just asked for what you wanted.

He seems to be in this mode where he is acting like he doesn't want any responsibility - not for the affair, not for what he is doing to you, not for choosing the affair, not for the fact that his wife is in IOWA alone having a baby, NOTHING. He is acting like he is out there and all of this is happening "TO" him - and he had nothing to do with it.

So, if he is going to come home, you ask for the changes you want. The rest is on him. He can never say you demanded squat. He can never say he was forced. He can never say he was pressured. You relinquished "control" - and a letter posed in this type of format looks like that.

He will be very angry when he gets your Plan B letter, BTW. You have to know that, and your intermediary should be prepared for it.

No matter what you write, or how you write it, he will be VERY ANGRY.

He will immediately try to crack your wall of silence. Be ready for that.

Do. Not. Crack.

I didn't believe it when posters told me that. I really thought that my WH would be so relieved that he could continue his A unabated. BOY, was I wrong.

When you detail what you want from him, make it actions, not words that you want. As a suggestion.

Larry

Well, I like the letter. It gives me an idea for what I want to say. Although I don't know if I can talk about our "wonderful" marriage and our beautiful love for eachother because things were never "wonderful" for us. We have always had problems. He sees our relationship/marriage as 99% crap. I am beginning to think that maybe it was all crap and the only thing good was our kids. I just don't think I can talk about how good our marriage was when it really wasn't. I know that we did love eachother. I still love him. I think he still loves me. So I don't know. This is all real hard. I would rather just crawl under a rock and stay there until this is over.

Definitely agree with you. I believe I am taking the steps with guidance from God. As far as I go I believe He is leading me and helping me. As far as my WH goes, I believe God can continually speak to my WH through His spirit that lives in all believers, even if my WH has buried that small, still voice deep down where he can barely hear it. I know that God will lead my WH in the right direction if my WH decides to follow Him. But yes it is in my WH's control. He can decide to completely ignore God and continue on in his A which is totally contrary to God and His view of marriage. If that is the case then my WH will continue to put even more of a wedge between himself and God. That is what makes it easier for people to continue in their sin. Just push God's voice aside, don't listen to Him and don't read the word and don't associate with other strong believers or older, wiser married men. That is exactly what he is doing now. Although he did go to church on Sunday. Wonder how that went.

And he has a bit of money, which makes him a target for manipulative types.

Larry

Are you talking about my WH having a bit of money? Well if you were talking about him that would be a laugh because he doesn't. Unless he's hiding that from me. But up until his last paycheck I knew how much he was getting paid. Barely enough to survive. Which is why I am hoping he will lose clients, run out of money, and have to come home. Atleast, I figure that would help to end the A.

My understanding of Plan B and the letter. A BS needs to move to Plan B when they feel their love disappearing. Plan A is very difficult. You are giving, giving, giving, and getting very little in return. Your LB$ begins to dwindle. You move to Plan B in order to preserve what love you have left and wait out the A.

On average A's last about 2 years...some more, some less. Plan B enables you to sit on the sidelines and not feel the hurt anymore so you have the strength to recover when they come back...

The side effect of Plan B is the WS gets a chance to see what life is like without the BS and to have all their EN's filled by the OP (and usually they are are lacking).

A good Plan B letter is a love letter. It is my understanding the formula should go something like this.

Profess your love

Admit the mistakes you made in the M

Explain how you are fixing those mistakes in yourself

Describe his actions you can no longer tolerate (seeing the OP) and how it hurts

Explain you can have no other contact (and how that will work...using an IM, etc.) in order to preserve the love you have left for him

You are looking forward to the day you can reconcile your M when..........happens (this is your opportunity to spell out what is needed for recovery)

Profess your love again

Don't make it too wordy. Make sure to make more than one copy in case he 'loses' the first. It is meant for a reference for him to come back to.

And I'm glad God helped you find this site.

I believe it is your own faith and belief in your M that God uses to help recover your M.

While in Plan B, do NOT spend any time thinking about him. This is time for you to build up strength, preserve the love you have left, and prepare for recovery, which will take quite a bit of strength!

I haven't been posting, but I have been following. You have some great posters helping you along.

I thought of two threads that might possibly help you in better understanding the transition to Plan B, one is SMB's and another is phoenix4's. If I remember correctly, those two threads are where I learned a lot about what Plan B is all about as it was being explained to those posters (shortly after I landed here at MB myself). Both of those ladies spoke about their faith too in their threads, that's also why I thought they might be a good fit for you.

Anyway, I could link them for you if you have time and you want to read them. LMK.

Hope you are taking care of yourself and baby {{{tinkerbell}}}

Today is a bad day. Fears of him divorcing me are going through my mind nonstop. I hate this whole thing. I hate the process I am having to go through. I know all of you have been there. I know it sucks for everyone.

If it helps any, I suspect he is in great conflict right now. And remember - you've got his children. If he's not having trouble with not having seen them, he's a POS you don't need in your lives.

Yes we all HAVE been there. We all had those thoughts. I still have those thoughts sometimes. Difference is, I am not as scared about it. I mean, IF he does file for D, then I will deal with it. I know I will get the support I need. I will be okay.

You will be going up and down on this roller coaster ride that's why I keep trying to steer you towards your plan and actions you can take. That way you will be too busy to think of the what ifs.