Have been in Plan B for two weeks now. I'm really confused as to how to behave. H is having a huge midlife crisis & continues to send me double signals. Last Friday he showed up unexpectedly as it was his B-day and the feeling I got was he didn't want to be alone (I guess it was inconvenient for OW to come up.) Anyway, I felt sorry for him and didn't have the heart to ask him to leave. Made him dinner, we talked, he left after kissing me (on the mouth) and hugging me twice. I didn't like myself afterwards as once again he was getting his needs met by both me and OW. Anyway, at least I deposited some love units, I told myself.<P>The following Tuesday, he came out to the house while I was at work, read one of my EMails and discovered that I had an out of town trip planned next month. I am going to visit family. He left me a note asking whether he could drive me to/from airport and take care of the pets. He has insisted on coming out to the house daily (under the guise of needing to do work) but I really feel that it is his way of checking up on me.<P>I did not respond to his note. Part of me feels like it is none of his business, and part of me fears what he might do if I am gone for a few days. I feel extremely insecure & vulnerable right now. Not to mention I don't trust him.<P>Now he has vanished. I haven't seen or heard from him in five days. He is staying with OW, no doubt. I have a feeling that he is upset with me for not telling him about my trip.<P>Now, I am feeling guilty. Did I do the right thing?? How do you enforce Plan B without lovebusting. Or can you? I feel like I am driving him into OW's arms.<P>Any thoughts or advice, Please?????

Dear Sidney - Plan B DOES tend to drive the spouse into the arms of the OP. But this is exactly the point of Plan B...no not to drive them into the arms of the OP...but to give them a "taste' of what life would be like if they left. Now all their needs must be met by the OP.<P>For Plant B to be effective ALL contact MUST be cut off. It's hard to do but remember thta plan B is for YOUR sake...to keep your sanity and what's left of your love for your H intact.<P>Plan B is a gamble...it hasn't worked for me. My W is living with OM and she filed for divorce. I'm almost 5 months into this and the pain is substantially less. I'm actually in a state of acceptance.<P>I still believe that plans A & B are a good strategy. you must stick to performing them to the letter...otherwise you send mixed signals. For most people here they seem to work. Nothing has worked for me but then again, I think my w is completely looney!!

Dear Shattered,<BR>Thanks for the advice. Funny you mention 'looney'. Deep down, I have always felt that my H is a little off center. He has a boatload of unresolved feelings that he has successfully, up until now, kept a lid on. It is very difficult to communicate with him at a deeper level. If you can get there, you have maybe five minutes before he shifts gears. You are right in saying that Plan B is a gamble. And, that's why I am so apprehensive about doing it. My H has a history of completely eliminating people he feels have hurt him from his life, i.e. mother, father, daughter, etc. He has not ever learned how to deal with hurt and pain. I guess I am afraid that he will just 'toss me out', too. What's really amazing is that I'm not the one who betrayed. Yet, he actually told me that he is afraid of me! Afraid that I will hurt HIM!! So, in his mind, I suppose offense is the best defense. I think that so much of our problem is a result of me working & struggling to keep us afloat for the past 5 years. He has told me he feels like a failure and yet he won't even try any more to find a job. I think he resents me for supporting us, yet cognitively he knows that's absurd. So, he has this huge struggle within. We have worked and sacrificed for 21 years to attain some financial independance. We were so close. And, now I am watching it all go up in smoke. Just another facet of the pain!!!

This is such a agood question. <P>I tried Plan B and couldn't stick to it mainly because we live so far away from family and I had not help. I did TOO MUCH love busting when he first left.<P>Now I guess I am back to plan A. You have to do what is right for you. But if it is plan B - then ALL contact must be cut. That will keep you from love busting. <P>Take care of yourself!<P><P>------------------<BR>d is for dog<BR>h is for hope<BR>j is for joy, pure joy!<P>