Years ago I sought comfort and supprt from this site as I struggled through my ex husband's numreous affairs. You were my rock..and I used the advice shared here and applied it ot my marriage. And some things helped...some did not...

But after years of struggles and attempts to reconcile, he moved out and I learned how to get up and live each day with out him.

Now 3 years after my divorce I find myself on the other side of the fence. And I am trying to do the right thing.

Not too long ago I reconnnected with an old friend. WE had been close through HS and college years. We eventually went on to date and had a great relationship. But I broke up with him when I went through a traumatic rape..not telling him why..too ashamed to tell anyone. He walked away...too hurt to ever see me or talk to me again. A year later I met my ex...

We reconnected and started emailing, then chatting on line and finally he called. I knew he was married, but at the time it was only a friendship. But then I started to feel something more, the contact became several times a day, I was living email to email...

Then it hit me..this is how it starts...and I felt terrible.

So today..I ended it. I told him I could no longer contact him. Done...he emailed me back, asked if we could maybe just decrease contact, only occ emails, no phone calls..."just don't leave me again". I said no...this is the way it should be. Period.

Please no flames, no ridicule or criticism. I feel terrible on so many levels. But I am here today asking..how do I make this stick? Any tips for getting through this...for making sure that we both don't have contact again?
I am trying here...

thanks - Jan

Jan, whenever you do good, it is when you do good. You woke up and smelled the roses. Congratulations, you avoided the 15 steps to adultery. I am proud of you. And you may have saved a marriage, now isn't that a nice thought.

Larry

Jan:

Lemme just say this for the record. Only you know if the deal had progressed from friendship to an emotional affair. I will not judge that since I don't know enough. You might want to send the guy here before he does something that would earn him a stupid sign. Wait, that would be contact, so no dice.

In other words, no contact for life. For both your benefit.

Larry

Larry, agree with you, BIG TIME.

Jan, it would be a great idea to change your phone no, email and block him on FB etc. This will help you both move on by way of closing the door to any possible future contact.

For me..it was starting to become more than a friendship. For him..I don't know. I didn't ask..he didn't tell.

But when I realized how important this guy had become again, I said enough...I can't put anyone through what i went through. I saw the warning signs...and stopped it.

I still hurt...but knowing I did the right thing is making it easier.

You did the right thing....seriously way to go!

You stepped on the slippery slope. People do this quite often.

You realized where you were and got off before you slid all the way to the bottom.

Good job to realize what could happen and go NC.

ok..blocked email, unfriended and blocked on FB.

Can I block on my phone? not sure he would call again but knowing me...it would dissolve my resolve if he did. Really don't want to change my number. I've had it for years and everyone contacts me at that number. WHich is why I wonder if I can block it?

You should be proud of yourself, Jan, and I applaud you for doing what you did/are doing.

Stay strong and keep up the good work!

Good for you for stopping before it got started. After finding out about my DH having an A, I honestly wanted to show him how it felt. Which was so dumb I know. No woman deserves to go through what we BS have gone through. I can't imagine causing this much pain to another woman for my own selfish pleasures. There is this guy at work whom I am very attracted to and he goes out of his way to be nice to me. When I was newly betrayed I prayed every night for his M and that he would realize that breaking his vows is wrong. I even talked to him and told him how I thought he was being entirely too friendly with me and I told him that I felt bad for his W because he was coming on to me.

Try picturing his W and the pain you went through. Maybe if you decide to remain friends tell him that you want to involve his W in your friendship. Maybe if you see his W as a part of him it will stop you from crossing that line with someone else's H.

Good for you for doing the right thing!!! You shouldn't feel terrible, you should feel PROUD of yourself!

Just keep reminding yourself over and over that you STOPPED something that could have been incredibly devastating to sooo many people, including yourself.

If you feel tempted to contact him again, just remember what you went through when your own husband was having affairs and remind yourself that THAT was exactly how your WH started his affairs. It's so easy to lie to ourselves and tell ourselves that we're 'just friends' and we can keep up contact....but you know better.

And I agree with total NC...why play with fire when you KNOW those feelings are there?

You should change your phone number. OM could realize that you blocked him and just call you from a different phone.

thank you everyone! Each day has been easier and my resolve is stronger. Keeping myself busy ...

Yes you can block a specific number from calling you. At that point, he should get the hint at least. You can't completely keep a person from contacting you, but reasonable precautions are prudent and of high value. Blocking cellphone and home phone would be most beneficial, not only for him... but so you know that he isn't calling each time the phone rings. That relief in your daily life can be liberating as well.

Call his wife. Let her know that YOUR feelings had developed, and that YOU don't want him to call anymore. Be clear with her that he never said anything along those lines, but that the FB issue is something you learned about as being one major first step in affair behavior. Let his wife know that there is a crack in the armor of her marriage.

She deserves to know, because chances are he is talking to other women, too.

SHE will take it from there. He won't call anymore.


SB