So I let my WH take the kids to dinner last night and put them to bed. I knew I should have made him leave right after he brought them home from dinner, but we started talking. Next thing I knew he was putting me to bed....and waking me up this morning if you get my drift. I AM SO MAD AT MYSELF. It's my EN not his and I just didn't want to say no.
He said I know this doesn't change anything and I know I still hav eyour list to start on before you'll consider letting me come home, but I just lost all power didn't I?
Now what? Start from scratch? Ahhhhh

get tested for STD's.....

RU in plan B????

It depends, are you in Plan A or Plan B? If you are in Plan A, then go for it...if you are in Plan B, then you shouldn't have been talking at ALL.

Plan A is not about withholding, or not giving, it is being the best partner you can be...and SF can be a big part of that. BUT, if he is physical with OW, then I hope you protected yourself...

I'm supposed to be in Plan B as of 4/1/10.
WH PA ended 5/09 EA continued. D-Day 12/1/09 and then discovered they were still in contact 3/31/10

I started Plan A pretty quickly after 12/1/09 and then found more emails recently.
I think I am in denial about Plan B and hoping to create my own Plan B. I need some strength.
We have been intimate since after 12/1/09 so this is not the first time since OW.

I just read your other thread. You were not in Plan B- at least, not a good plan B. You gave him your list BUT

- you did not have an intermediary
-you kept in contact with him

PLAN B MEANS- you don't see him, talk to him, hear anything about him, he DOES NOT EXIST to you, until he fulfills your plan B letter. And you should change the Plan B letter- it should have conditions for coming home, such as the No contact letter, etc, but some of the things you wrote in your list can be (and I think should be) done in recovery, like working through the Harley books.

In Plan B you need a good intermediary. ALL information goes through that intermediary. Your husband should send all information- phone, email, kid exchange, etc- through the intermediary. You don't let him see you at all, you don't talk to him, you don't interact with him at all. Ever. Until he meets your plan B requirements.

Yes, to be blunt, you screwed up....but not fatally. Get into a DARK plan B. He needs to see what life is like without you- if he continues his A and doesnt' do what it takes to be in recovery then he needs to know what life will be like. He needs the CONSEQUENCES!!!!!

IMVHO

OH- I just read your post. Yes, you are trying to do your own plan B and it just won't work. Do it the RIGHT way. It will be hard, but it's what you need to do to recover your marriage and kick your cake eating husband off the fence onto your side of the yard. OF COURSE he slept with you....and tonight he'll sleep with the ho. Why not? So far he's had no consequences....

Well, you're off to a pretty rocky Plan B, which is not good. In Plan B you need to go very dark and have no contact with hubby. I understand the kids need to see him, so you might have him pick them up from a neighbor or friend's home and drop them off there.

Have you sent him a Plan B letter?

And I'm not kidding about STDs!!

I'm just so devastated STILL. I feel so weak and I don't know if I am strong enough to let go.
HELP

Are you strong enough to be in a marriage with three people?

Because that's the only alternative if you don't go into a dark and proper Plan B.

The first weeks of Plan B are the hardest for us betrayed ones but it will get easier IF you go totally dark and do not see, hear or directly have contact with him.

He likes SF with you so that is a good thing. It is.

You had a nice little moment of your EN being met but to be in plan B you must not break it.

If you sent him a letter, you can go back to B right now and certainly you must have plans for him to spend with the kids with you not there and preferably not at the family home.

Make the situation work for that.

You WILL take a while to withdraw from the need to be with your BS. Part of you is not wanting to let go of plan A.

Plan B is to protect your love for him though. It is to create the possibility of him not to destroy anymore of the foundation fo the marriage.

If possible, you should talk to a marriage builder coach on the phone. It is $195 per session and well worth it to create a clearer plan to follow for your marriage.

They could help you figure out how to re-establish your plan B and stay on task with it and how to move in the most useful direction.

Wash, I am going to fuss at you a bit, not because of what you did, but because of what you haven't done.

Did you get the book "Surviving an Affair?" Have you read the infidelity posts here that Dr. Harley has done. Have you read "Basic Concepts?"

In other words, have you studied so you can pass the test of life.

The emotional tools you need to think clearly and survive are here to be learned. The test is the test of life. You either learn the tools and use the tools or you flunk the test and have no life.

Don't expect those responding to your vents to spoon feed you. We can help you through reminders to keep you on track or explain a concept to you or whatever else is needed. But we cannot rip the top of your head off and stuff you full of knowledge.

Learning and study is how you move forward and how you take control away from your husband. Buy the book, read it, all of it; also read Dr. Harley's concepts here, and learn. From there, you develop a plan and you will understand the plan.

And with the knowledge and tools, you will be strong enough to "Survive an Affair." It is very ok to start out with "Woe is me; a pity party." But it is wrong to keep on that track for very long.

Get it?

Larry

Okay. I will try again.
We are supposed to go to our counselor on Tuesday per the counselor. I am to quit going with hi then correct??

Well, you really are not in plan B.

You are in plan A wanna be B.

Did you give him a plan B letter or just ask him to leave the house?

If you asked him to leave the house but didn't not give the letter.....you are really just in A with him out of the house...not a good thing.

If you did give him a plan B letter, you really don't understand plan B and need to study, study, study it.

Either way, counseling will not help during an active affair. It sounds still active.

You can not do your own plan and expect it to work since it would be piece meal, based on instincts (which fail us often) and so on.

It is not hopeless but you must get it together and figure out the plan to go with and follow. MB is a plan that works more often that others. It isn't a sure thing. Nope. It is a best choice in many ways though. If you follow it, you are less apt to have regrets about the outcome either way. YK?

Have you written him a Plan B letter?

What does your counselor tell the two of you about his affair?

Oh! and the affairs don't easily stop or quickly resolve.

It is a long drawnout riggamaroll.

Dealing with it is not for the fainthearted.

You won't wave a magic wand and have everything the way you want it and that is a tough thing to deal with for us all. It takes a while to really 'get' that.

Waywards will lie and go deeper underground with their affairs to cake eat and get their fixes from their addictions to the way the other person meets their ENs that made them vulnerable to them to begin with. They will fight to keep the other person with their all. The addiction is intense and based on the fantasy they do not want to let go of. It is one powerful fantasy. Accept that it is. Expect that it is. Learn to battle it the best you can and not to look at surface appearances of no contact or family dedication unless you reach real recovery and it sticks for a very long time.

If you're in a true plan B (which you actually aren't, but need to kind of go back, redo the plan B letter, get a good intermediary....there's a thread about beieng a good intermediary)...anyway, a true plan B you won't go to counseling.

Plan A- counseling okay, but no amount of counseling will help if he's still in an affair....

Will write letter this weekend. He is staying with the kids and I am going to my moms. I guess I am in Plan A with him out of the house. Time to get real.

I know you all know this but he is SO CONVINCING! I am falling for the fact that it is really over this time because I want to believe it so badly.

I will start my own counseling. Our counselor really wants us to come together, but it appears as if people who have been there say no.

Understatement of the year...this SUCKS

If you are in Plan A, then in my opinion, it was fine. Because at that stage you're still showing him how you are the most loving spouse you can be. But, just to say what everyone else has - if the affair is still active, BAD idea!

Uh oh!


Does he see you together? If so, that is a serious warning sign he/she may not know what they are doing:

How to select a Marriage Counselor

Larry

You are not strong enough to continue this way. Plan B is for you to regain your strength for the event when recovery begins...

Yes, it will be tough at first, but you are in your own kind of fog, and after a few days/weeks, you'll be able to see the truth more clearly.

Move to Plan B to SAVE your M and save yourself...