yes...flowers from family were carrot

expressing disappointment in WW's behavior is the stick

The flowers were also meant to show her that she won't be walking into a mine field when she gets home...Lighthouse?

There was communication between WW and BF late last night

Becarefull to how much you reveal to WW's BF.

Sit back an let exposure work.

"Be carefull to how much you reveal to WW's BF."

Right...I'm not

I think you're okay with the flowers as long as you didn't leave a doormat note with them.

"doormat note" LOL

No...just a "Welcome Back, we all missed you"

Of course I might find both the flowers and the card in the trash when I get home

Aliens and addicts do weird things like that.

If she does...I won't let it affect me...I know it's the addiction

jlowes, the carrot means to show her you are willing to meet her needs in the future if she ends her affair. Excessive gestures like cards and flowers come across as rewarding her for abuse. That would be like a wife giving her husband an extravagent gift after he just beat her up.

I understand you already left the flowers, but I would tone it down if you want to be taken seriously here. Giving flowers when you have been abused like this sends a message that you are willing to tolerate abuse. That is the wrong message to send a wayward.

OK...got it...Thanks MelodyLane

So at some point today the conversation will go as follows:

Stop all contact with POSOM.

I have moved my clothes back into our closet where they will stay, I will be getting ready for the day in our bathroom and I will be sleeping in our bed. You are free to sleep in the same bed or you can sleep in another bedroom, the couch or elsewhere.

What do you think?

The what do you think is for you all on this board...I will not say "what do you think" to WW!

Right now, "I hear you," and "I'm sorry you feel that way." will be the best way to try and diffuse the ticking time bomb that is about to explode when your WW gets home. She's going to want to pick a fight with you, and she's going to want you to love bust her to justify her actions. Your only talking points should be "I want to save this marriage and keep this family together, I understand you don't want to right now but I'm focuses on being the kind of husband you want to be married to, and I didn't expose to get back at you, it was advised by a marriage counselor and a support groups of people who have been through the same situation as we are going through. I am not okay with a 3rd party in our marriage." Do NOT tell her about Marriage Builders.

The best thing to two for the next couple weeks is to plan A your spouse and plan B your wayward spouse. Talk to her when she's calm and approachable and when she starts going into fits of rage and wants to argue, just say, "I do not want to talk about this with you right now. You know where I stand."

OK...will do!

She might bristle at what sounds like you're giving her permission as to choosing where she sleeps. Aliens look at things like that. Leave it at what you're going to do.

I'd leave that part out IMO.

I wouldn't have the bedroom conversation at all.

Just do it.

You don't have to explain yourself unless she asks "what are you doing"...then just be prepared with your answer..."I am going to sleep in my bed and live in my room". She will likely bristle.
Then you can tell her "I've done nothing wrong. I'm not going to be banished from my room..."

I just wanted to say I've been watching this thread and I am proud of you Jlowesd for taking the right approach and getting the help from others who have also gone through this.....
I too have gone through this and by being firm with what I would accept, exposing the affair and meeting his emotional needs and just being calm and a soft place for him to be....When they are given the freedom to make the decision to leave their lives for the OW/OM and at the same time being totally aware of how much we are willing to fight for our marriages and our families.....Affairs are only fun when they are a secret, when they cause pain to all those around them it just doesn't seem that appealing, sure he was mad the first few months but he didn't go and now he is the one doing most of the work to hang on to our marriage.......
Hang in there, don't react out of hurt or anger that's the key.
Remember this will take time and at times it will seem like it's not going well, look at the big picture, I'm about 6 months out of when he started his affair....I'll be rooting for you and your family

Don't be too sugary or flowery with her right now.

She's going to be madder than a wet cat.

Just remember that her anger is bogus. YOU are the person who should be justifiably angry right now. Your wife is having an affair. So the appropriate response to that is anger or coldness -- not buying her flowers.

She will see right though you if you are insincere. Not to mention that its almost impossible for you to make lovebank deposits right now -- its better to wait until her anger has dissapated a bit.