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Joined: Jan 2010
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OP
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I actually thought there was a chance at reconcilation with WW. She started to make the right moves. Moved out of OM apt and into her own. Suggested that we go to councelling. Then had a change of heart. She is still in a fog. Suggestions on how to reply to the following.
1. Its been too long and I have no feelings for you anymore (6 mo.)
2. I can't ever see us getting back to where we were when we we were happy.
3. I cannot quit my job (affair was with her boss) because if things do not work out between us I will be on the street.
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Did she move out of OM's apartment?
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1. How long have you been M'd?
2. Are there any kids involved?
3. Was the A exposed at her workplace?
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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Joined: May 2002
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You were told that her wanting to move into her own apartment was a big red flag. Are you paying for her apartment?
It sounds to me as if she is still in the affair. If that is the case, you should not be having relationship discussions with her, so those three points will not be likely to come up.
Did you expose? Including at work?
What makes you think the affair has ended?
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Joined: Apr 2010
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Sounds almost exactly like what my WH was saying to me....
Did you expose the affair?
I am working on my Plan A letter right now with him. IF the affair is ended, it's a good idea for you as well. We are going to counselling and when he said he he didn't love me anymore - our counsellor said, "Is that, you no longer have any feelings, or it's been so long that you just don't see how you can be happy again?" The second is workable, the first is not.
If the affair has not ended, and she is still in her apartment and not wanting to work on issues, perhaps an immediate move to Plan B is in order?
Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10
Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10
Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012
Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
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our counsellor said, "Is that, you no longer have any feelings, or it's been so long that you just don't see how you can be happy again?" The second is workable, the first is not. P&H, I would find a compentant, qualified counselor who CAN turn that around. At least your counselor admitted that she/he is incompetant and doesn't know how. A competant counselor most certainly CAN turn that around. I would try and get your money back. A good counselor will teach you how to fall in love and that is exactly what Marriage Builders does. In the typical affair, the wayward spouse does fall out of love with the spouse. That is the rule, rather than the exception. And that is what this program REMEDIES.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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OP
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"You were told that her wanting to move into her own apartment was a big red flag. Are you paying for her apartment?"
No not paying for her apartment.
And I am not certain that she is not still in the affair although that is what she is telling her friends. Maybe you are right in that I should not be having relationship talks with her. When should I be having these talks with her. Someone posted that it is a good marriage or no marriage and I agree. I have done all of the thing MB suggests. I have laid down all the criteria that I require for her to reconcile. I guess she will have to agree wholeheartedly or not much point.
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Joined: Dec 2006
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I actually thought there was a chance at reconcilation with WW. I cannot quit my job (affair was with her boss) because if things do not work out between us I will be on the street. There can be no recovery if there is still contact.
Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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Still working for her boss? Affair will never end.
Did you expose at WW's work and the OMW?
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She will just have to find a new job if the A was with her boss. That's just not a good environment - it's to be NO contact whatsoever.
There's still a chance at recovery - set up your boundaries.
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