Thanks for all of your support...I've never done anything like this in my life...I've always turned away from conflict. But I have so much love in my heart for my WW.

And I am ANGRY...

I think Lexxy hit on the problem here. It seems contrived and manipulative to me to give someone FLOWERS when they have just assualted you. It makes it seem like you don't CARE about being abused and have no boundaries. Signalling an abuser that you have no appropriate boundaries is a very bad thing that will invite MORE abuse and invite her disrespect.

While you don't ever want to repay abuse with abuse, you do want to stand firm against her abuse and let her know that this will not be tolerated in a FIRM, respectful way.

And as Lexxy pointed out, you cannot possibly meet the needs of a wayward.

You are standing up for your marriage and for your children's family. As BobPure [who also saved his marriage] once said, I changed from a SERF to a KNIGHT when I exposed the affair. He has a fully recovered, great marriage today.

You are doing an awesome job, jlowes, and your wife will appreciate that you fought for her when she withdraws from her affair!

"and your wife will appreciate that you fought for her when she withdraws from her affair!"

Yes...this is the first time I've ever fought for her!

It's a great sense of relief now that the affair is exposed...I am no longer a doormat! I like what BobPure said!

Were the flowers a major screw up or are you saying don't do it right now? Again, I thought I would provide a soft place for her to land.

OK...now I get it...I can't really make love bank deposits right now.

jlowes, you want to reward her for being GOOD, not BAD. And giving her the flowers when she has not ended her affair is to reward her for being BAD. But, what is done is done. As long as you stand FIRM and tell her she has to end her affair, it is not going to kill anything.

Just focus on being FIRM and RESOLUTE, and don't come across as enabling and wimpy. See what I mean?

jlowes, did you expose to the OM's facebook friends??? That is a very, very impactful exposure!

OK...I see what you mean.

No on the FB...ran out of time last night.

But one of the emails from OM that I intercepted had some pretty important people in his life...close friends and family.

So blasted an email out to those addresses.

Excellent!

What did you say?

Maybe elaborate more in your posts so that we can give you more feedback. ?? They are so brief and only invite more quesitons.

Now get on facebook and start outing him to the rest of the world.

This is going to get really really good -- because his first impulse is going to be to yell at your wife for what her husband (you) is doing to him! And she (having just lost her mother) is going to be in no mood to prop him up! They are going to lovebust the crap out of each other!!!

To OM's family/friends:
I am saddened to tell you that POSOM is having an affair with my wife.
It's been going on now for 4 months.

I want our marriage to recover from this affair.

If you have any influence on POSOM, please do what you can to get him to stop this dangerous affair.

I want to stay married and save our family but the affair must stop.

To OM:

I know that you are involved with my spouse.

I love her very much and want to save my marriage and keep our family together.

Your relationship with her is not okay.

It is coming between us and is making it impossible for us to heal our marriage.

Please respect our marriage and end all contact with her forever.

To WW family/friends:

I am writing to let you know that WW is having an affair with OM. I love my wife and am trying to save my marriage and our family, and I hope you will help me. Please let WW know that you support us resolving any issues in our marriage, without the intervention of another man.

I know she values your opinion, and I hope you will urge her to do the right thing and � at the very least � remove this other man from the picture so she can look at our marriage honestly without having the allure of a potential love interest waiting in the wings.

I love WW and I want her to make decisions she won�t regret once the fantasy of this affair fades and she�s left with the reality of what an affair does to the people involved � especially our children. I hope you will help her (and us) by urging her to do the right thing.

One more question...how do I greet WW when I eventually see WW today?

"Hi."

I've got a feeling she'll take it from there. Remember your mantra: "I'll do whatever it takes to save my marriage."

I would greet her with a very solemn look and tell her "we have to talk about your affair." [say this right in front of your kids and use the word AFFAIR or ADULTERY, don't call it a "relationship"]

I am willing to stay in this marriage if you will end your affair NOW and commit to a plan of recovery. Otherwise, your affair will lead with divorce. Everyone knows of the affair now, the OMW, our friends and family, and they are very supportive."

She will then rant and rave about how "you have ruined it now!!! I was going to work on the marriage, but I won't now!!" blah, blah, blah...."

There isn't much you can say other than "this marriage cannot survive 3 people." and leave it at that. You won't be able to reason with her, but you will have planted a SEED. Just don't allow her to scare you or to bait you into a fight. And DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR EXPOSING HER AFFAIR.

And Jlowes, if you haven't told your boys, I would tell them before she gets home. Giving them false explanations for the tension in your home will confuse them and teaches them dishonesty. It also enables your wife to LIE to them.

jlowesd,

You said you normally avoid conflict. I take from that the fact that you don't really know how to do conflict properly. Please read what Mel just said to you.

What many don't understand about conflict is that most don't like it, but those that are willing to take it on often prevail because...they are willing. You need to be willing. You need to understand that you will do better to take 10% casualties for two days, than 3% casualties for 20 days. Patton understood this.

What Mel is telling you is don't tiptoe around on this. Don't send mixed messages. Get down to what you want, what you expect, and what you demand of ANY woman that is married to you and will mother your children. If you do tiptoe around you will be fighting this battle for YEARS and you will lose far more than you can imagine.

You don't have to be rude or even commit an LB, but you MUST be firm focused, and willing to tell her "how the cow ate the cabbage" as they say. Reconcilatory efforst need to be made when you are in the process of reconcilling. You are not there yet, you are in a battle to end the affair. IT MUST END BEFORE YOU HAVE ANY CHANCE. If you are normally a placid sort of guy, don't be. You want her off balance. When she comes in all guns blazing because you exposed, you stand there and stare at her, when when she winds down, you say "NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME", and you tell her exactly what has to happen. It will shock her.

In short, if you want to defend yourself in a conflict, go on the offensive, it is the best defense.

I hope this helps you.

God Bless,

JL

Excellent points Mel and JustLearning...and that's what I will do.