the last other woman was a mother who agreed to have my partner over at her house for many nights over several months while her own children were sleeping. my partner had to sleep all the next day to recover from the nights at her house. i wonder what her kids did being a single mother and all. i knnow she lost custody of her children for awhile the same year she had an affair with my partner. now she's dating some other poor schmuck. i wish she had to learn some lesson but i know it is not worth it prolly

i thought my partner was working the night shift why we slowly sunk into debt

no luck locating the mystery woman or her husband. how do i find them

I would not recommend Papa play much of a role in finding these women, it would be considered contact. I know there are several internet resources for tracking people down. Some have had difficulty doing it so don't get discouraged. I think Intelius has been suggested before but I don't think it's free.

Agree with Vibrissa. No point at all in getting papasita thinking about OW or focusin on her and her possible whereabouts, or her husband.

Try pipl and intelius

ETA: if OW lives near you, go to her home county and look for divorce records in the courthouse. You might find out her maiden name and look for her that way, too. And you can see if she has purchased real estate in the county.

i don't know if you two understand that he has up until he recently began posting here, been trying to avoid telling me the full truth about the affairs- often thru the use of lovebusters. if you read his thread too-which he has not really posted on all week- we came here with the intention of him seeing it is in our best interests to get rid of the secrets so we can actually begin to heal for real.

i don't think we are able to avoid the details of papasitas affairs any longer. it has been three years since d-day and there has not been complete honesty and transparency in what actually happened. Like alot of ws he has thought we should just move on and i should just be able to get over it. he had alot of enabling friends that were willing to support this point of view as well. he has not wanted to talk about it. now, he is having to remember the details and come clean so we can move on.

as for the ow -she lives in california and i am a greatnorthwoodswoman. no way to just run to the courthouse. i think she may have used a fake name-same with the first 2 EA's as they were mainly just computer avatars. although i do have name for one of them-maybe she was married too. i don't know how to find out -it's frustrating. i hate to give my credit card number out over the internet, but i could look up all 3 women that way.

i am pretty sure PA#1- the LA PA- was married. they met in ahotel room. if she was single- he could have just stayed at her place. i think her husband should know.

and i am not sure that i agree that contact with OW HUSBAND is contact for papasita. more of a consequence. i think he should have to face her husband. they cheated on him too. it would show the integrity i expect from him. as for the OW, i do not want contact from her, early on after discovery i tried to contact her thru an e-mail and she denied everything and threatened me with her lawyer. LA all the way! so, i see no benefit to having any contact with her because i know she lies and i certainly would not want papasita having any contact with her either.

he is gonna have to remember what happened anyway. because i need to know and i have waited too long already. i thought i could just let time heal it, but really it is getting worse over time. that's why i came here and finally started to post. something's gotta give.

the affairs are like poison, and the truth will be like an antidote. he is so great in so many ways now, and our life is so much better, but i can not feel close to him knowing he has these secrets from me. i want to be close and in love. not jst peaceful and numb.

i hope i did not come across as too harsh on my only supporters. i appreciate all the great advice you give me. and i will be relieved and happy to let this woman drift into the past and distance AFTER we fully deal with the truth of it all.

i want these questions answered or it is like a rotten corpse in the closet. i have trouble sleeping nights imagining what happened. the things i know, i do not dwell on the way that i do with the things i do not know. especially when he actually refuses to acswer my questions or in only the most minimal way. if you read his posts, this is an issue, and his posts that one day were about all i know and had a few revelations in it for me. i need to know , or i feel sad. i don't want' to have to feel numb. it is hard to be patient fed on a stream of trickle truth

Has papasita read Joseph's Letter? If not I (or another forum member, if I'm slow) will try to find a copy and link to it.

yeah we have. i think he's starting to get it now. his inability to share with me is affecting my ability to feel close to him.i can't help it. before i didn't know there were lies, now i know they exist and i want to know what they are. i want to know what he said and what he did. and i am past tired of waiting. it's got to be soon. that is probably a selfish demand but i need it to feel safe.

he has been stalling since his initial movement last sunday. it has been hard waiting. there has been a little bit of trickle truth. things i have learned that are new. small things. but they are things i did not know but just tidbits.

i want a truth torrent. i can't stand this little by little. how often do you think is fair in this intial stage of disclosure? once a week to get my questions answered seems like not enough. maybe for a short period of time daily. waiting is killing me. and he is not lovebusting me but stonewalling me on my questions.

he says he is too busy and i can appreciate that but i need him to take the time to open up in full. it has already been three years! waiting is twisting me up into someone i don't like. i want to be able to let it go and move on but i can't until all the truth is out. i have to keep my guard up until i know what i am up against. there are always new things. i know the secrets hurt him too.

i was thinking today that you can't just hold back one emotion and expect all the others to remain intact. i can be patient and not get answers to my questions by being calm and numb, but then it is hard to be cheerful and feel intimate with my partner when i do that. i can either let him in and really love him or i can hold back and hold my love back as well. i do not want to hold back and hold out on him. this is an unintended consequence of not being open and honest.

i also think i could find other woman's husband with information he could give me.

You do need the truth. However it may take time to get through all of it - not because of him wanting/ not wanting to tell you - but rather because of how much there is to tell. You will also think of questions over time.

He seems willing to be forthcoming - he has written out a basic time line, at least, in his own thread.

You need to set aside a time to work on this. I originally suggested once a week, but if that is not enough maybe twice a week. In that time he needs to answer your questions openly and as fully as he can. He needs to answer your questions until your satisfied - so you set the limit on how much you want to know. These sessions need to be information gathering sessions - you ask for information, he gives it. You will hurt, it will be painful.

However, you HAVE to spend time together on other things. These conversations, though necessary, can be draining on your Love Banks. You need time together to build them up. You will need time to recover.

You need to do more than just talk about your relationship. Affair talk should be limited to designated times and between those times - write your questions down and let them wait.

POJA a time to do this and schedule it in so neither of you can get out of it.

Now, realize, he may not know the answers to all your questions. There are things he may have honestly forgotten. Men's memories in situations like this are typically not as good as women's- it's the way their minds are put together. Also, WHY questions aren't going to be much good.

Recovery is going to take TIME. On top of that you BOTH are having to undergo dramatic changes to the dynamic of your relationship together, to build it into a marriage. This is going to be a Process and it is going to take YEARS.

after a truth session, i generally feel much more in love. it lasts for a few days. but if i have to wait more than that for an answer to a question i come up for- i feel crazy

i'm in this for the long haul but i have to start this process to heal, i don't want the rest of my life to be about this. three years is enough. it' gotta be taken care of.

Does Papa know this? Have you specifically said this? This would be encouraging to him. And if you need to, schedule sessions for every 3 days or so.

The point I'm trying to make is everything CAN'T be about the affairs right now. You need time for other things.



I understand, but you gotta run before you can walk or you're gonna fall on your face. This process takes TIME and you need to go through all the steps in their own time. Rushing through it will keep you from recovering properly.

ETA: it seems like you both are doing well and are on the path of making real progress. From what I've read from Papa he's on board with doing this the right way. He seems willing to be your partner in this. Don't get all up in his face about it - that will just turn him off. I know you wanna get this DONE, but let it run its course. I don't think either of you are going anywhere. You have ALREADY STARTED the process.

yes, i have repeatedly told him that his honesty makes me feel more in love with him. i wish i had it way more often.

it is not all about the affair but it hard to fake closeness when i am not feeling it which is when he has refused to answer my questions for more than a few days at a time.

time i have. but i think this is gonna take more than time to fix, as i have said, i already have given this a lot of my time. what it is also going to take is work. the time has to be invested in working on this- which i have not seen since last week- not just sitting around waiting for time to heal all wounds. not gonna happen. i think only the truth can do that. i am a very patient woman. but i need my questions answered directly.

oops i should have responded hereinstead of papasitas thread. to vibrissa-i mean, i am committed. otherwise, why am i still here.

I'm sorry Mama - I should have made myself more clear. I didn't mean to imply you aren't committed to your relationship - obviously you are or you wouldn't have endured everything you have and still be here. I really admire you for that.

What I meant was you didn't understand the kind of commitment a healthy, romantic marriage requires. You didn't have the right tools then, but you have them now and you're learning to used them. That is awesome.

i agree. i put up with too much, i didn't express my emotional needs, i didn't want to be seen as complaining. i want to change all that now.

sorry i was snappy.

No worries - my fault

Have you and papa read this article about complaining in marriage?

It is eye opening and will completely change the way you interact together.