Hi,

I am 8 months from d-day and still very angry. I feel that my H ruined our life in many ways with his A, and I don't want to trust him with our future.

Any advice? Thanks in advance!

First, sorry that you are here. There is help to be found here.

That out of the way, we need some more info from you. How old are you and WH? How long have you been Married? Do you have any children together? Was this the first M for both of you? How did WH and OW meet?

Have you read anything on this site? Do you have the book Surviving an affair?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. So glad you found us.

Your feelings are very normal and are the same feelings that most of us have had.

Need a bit more information to give you any advice. How long have you been married? Any kids?

How did you find out about the affair? Did he quit seeing the other woman when you found out? Is he maintaining no contact with her?

Is he trying to help you to heal?

Hi,

We will have been married 8 years next week. we were both married before and have two daughters. None of the children know, but some friends and family know.

I found out last July. It was a co worker. I found emails she sent him with explicit photos of them together and her separately attached. Lots of them. They both are losing their jobs. She is harrassing us but filed harrassment orders.

Her husband divorced her. He is a nice man; they have a preschooler. I gave him all the "evidence" and he is using them in the custody battle. One of the emails, for example, described how she made her masterbation video and posted it online in one room while her child was on the computer, on UTUBE.

We are in MC and he is IC to deal with his issues. We also go to a class at church weekly, although he does not believe in God. He does like the marriage class, though.

I am at a place where I am tired of dealing with the consequences of his behavior. I am angry that he destroyed so much of our life. I can get past those feelings; I have come a long way in the past 8 months! However, I keep wondering why I would stay in the marriage with him? Why should I give him another chance to hurt me?

My Irish grandmother always said not to "throw good money after bad" - and I keep thinking I am doing that.

I hope that is enough information!!! Thank you in advance!

Well, how was he as a husband BEFORE the affair?

disgusted:

Welcome to marriage builders and the surviving an affair forum. You are joining a club nobody wants to belong to. I suggest you start by reading the links on the right hand menu It will take you a while, but you should gain perspective that way.

Adultery strikes upwards of 80% of marriages, with one or the other, sometimes both, partners doing the deed. I understand your feelings. I wish I had a magic wand, but I don't. Some percentage of marriages survive, some don't.

At first glance, your husband is on board for recovery. That is a good thing. And you are having the very normal ups and downs in your emotions. Reading what Dr. Harley provides here for free is a good way to gain insight and start leveling, but not eliminating, your emotions. You will learn about things called triggers and the like.

As a suggestion, you might want to go to the notable posts forum and read about abbreviations. After that, please read the posts by longhorn and worthatry (Wat).

This forum is all about you, the newbie, who needs help. It is here for you. Just ask.

I do have a question.


What does that mean?

Larry

DAS(short for your name)-You say that both of you were married before. How did those marriages end? How did you and your WH meet?

Was OW his direct report? Do you have any snooping in place to ensure that there is NO CONTACT between the 2 of them? The first step in SAA is to get the affair finished. We need to know where you are in that process.

Are the daughters that the two of you have biologically both of yours together? How old are they?

I hope your quietness means you are reading. The boards are often slow on the weekends so don't be discouraged, just read a lot of things on here including other's threads.

Thanks for your responses. I will try to answer all your questions!

We both have two daughters so there are 4 total. They are now aged 23, 20, 16 and 13. Mine are the older two, his are the younger two.

The OW was not his direct report. They both violated the organizations rules, though, so both are now fired.

She filed restraining orders claiming that my H did all the online photo posting, etc. to harrass her. This was after her H divorced her and was going for increased visitation of their young child. One of the issues he brought up about her parenting was her wild lifestyle. So she is claiming she doesn't have one. She is one of those "professional victim" types - everything in her life is someone else's fault.

I know there is no contact with her. They hate each other. My worry is him doing it again, with someone else.

He is intense counseling because of childhood trauma he never dealt with, and the therapist says his acting out was due to it. He is committed to making changes, and I have seen some. I have also talked to his IC, as has our MC, and they both agree he is "doing the work".

I just started reading "Torn Asunder" last night. I have also read "Surviving an Affair", "Not Just Friends" and "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing that Ever Happened to Me".

Thank you all of your help!

I totally agree that his adultery was due to his lack of boundaries and precautions. He only cared about himself, and getting his needs met any way he could. Felt entitled. Of course, at first, he blamed me and our marriage - all the usual crazy fog stuff.

Our MC acknowledges the trauma, but also says he should have taken care of his issues a long time ago.

How to find a good marriage counselor

You might want to read this.

Thank you! Our MC is Christian and her specialty is infidelity. She doesn't make any excuses for him or his behavior, and if I decide to leave him she will be my counselor only. She had him go to his own IC, and then sign a form allowing them to talk to one another. She wanted to know that he is making progress with his issues, and what that progress is. She also didn't want to spent the MC time on them, but is focused on helping me heal and teaching him to help me heal.

We also went to a Love and Respect class at church, over 8 weeks. It just finished and it is starting again and we are going to repeat it.