Well I guess I should get right to it. My wife had/is having an affair. I could sense something was odd and I confronted her and found out that my suspicions were correct. It had been going on for 3 � months and she felt so bad� �it�s over, it�s over�. Well I broke the Love Busters and angry outbursts and such and the affair went on. I left the house and have been gone since. That is about 3 months ago.

About 2 weeks after the initial confrontation they �ended� the affair with a loving Friday evening together and farewell� they agreed they could be cordial coworkers. Sorry, I�m not that stupid. I tried to be understanding and for half of the time when I would visit it would be good and then we would get ramped up again argueing and yelling... guilty. And two weeks later they were back in each others arms. It was never �over� in the first place.

To get isolated from me, my wife took out a Protection Order at that time and now, 2 months later there has been no contact what-so-ever between me and my wife. However there continues to be contact outside of the workplace between her and the other man. No surprise.

They claim �no sex� but I did read her journal prior to leaving and it is unmistakable that they are fully entangled. The deception prior to the confrontation is so pervasive, and not just to me but to her supportive friends as well. They claim to be Christian and yet are pushing her toward divorce. I�m absolutely shocked by her level of deception and their gullibility. And she blames me for the whole event.

I�m trying to figure out my part in some of this and it all gets kind of circular. I withdrew substantially about 8 months ago� why? She would say that the tension between my ex-wife and my daughter and I was so strained that it crumbled me. The truth is, that situation was present but only accounted for about 20% of my disposition. The remaining 80% was a result of continued and escalating disrespect from my wife and her daughter over a 9 year period. We dated for 7 years and have been married for 2. During the dating, after 3 � years I broke our relationship off and wrote a letter explaining that the disrespect was at an intolerable level and that I thought it best that we part ways.

Well after about 6 months we reunited and soon after those old habits returned. And now with the ensuing 5 � years and the contempt and disrespect has finally taken its toll on me. This whole explanation is definitely one sided and of course she has her story also. But the bottom line is that she really takes almost no responsibility for any of our problems. We have had some counseling and the subject matter routinely was about me being a problem. Enough already� there are 4 people in this dynamic and we need to address all 4 and not just me. I guess that is what gets to me.

So, I don�t want divorce, our God hates divorce and He is about reconciliation. I don�t know what to do and see almost no hope from her side. I�m just looking for some suggestions.

Some questions:

1. Were you M'd to your XW when you met your current W?
2. Has the A been exposed at her office?

Hi JAG,
welcome to MB. Sorry you have to be here.

From the sounds of it, there is no 'no-contact' between your WW and the OM. Have you read the articles here on the site and have you read any of the books?

The things your WW is saying is bog standard 'fogbabble', a sort of script waywards use to justify why they are entitled to behave the way they do regardless of the trauma it inflicts of their spouses and family's.

The weekend is kind of slow on MB. Please read and listen and the vets will be by on Monday to give more specific to you advice.

No I was not married to my XW, had been divorced for a year and fully ended our marriage.

And I do have questions about the tsunami exposure thing referred to in MB. No the A has not gone public in her office

Thank you and yes I have been pouring over this material for the past week or two. And yes there is contact daily at work for my WW and the OM... plus they are rendesvousing outside of work... the neighbors have eyes and are not stupid.

Exposure

exposure should be swift...no warning. Provide proof. I would think in person is best...but a certified letter that needs to be signed for by the recipient will suffice.

Your kids should be told the truth.

First, you need solid evidence.

Your wife is going to label you as either abusive or insane. You need the evidence to prove she is lying and manipulating the situation in her favour.

Second, once you have all of your evidence, I really hope that you have phone records, recordings of conversations and better yet witnesses or pictures, hit her completely blindsided to her family and OM family.

Absolutely DO NOT compromise. She will try to make a deal only to break it and still make you out to be the bad guy.

ABSOLUTELY do not trust ANYTHING she might tell you.

Third, it she has ANY friends involved, ie. cheerleaders, enablers, their spouses need to be notified of their hand in the destruction of your family. Her toxic friends have more than likely helped her justify her affair and they are the meddelers that keep her nerve up and feed the FOG and her disrespect for you.

Your wife is to be the last to be notified of the exposure.

Be prepared for a full broadside of hatred fired your way. Be prepared for comments like "I was going to (trust you, come home, work on the M etc) but now YOU'VE DONE IT, blah blah blah. Its just fogbabble and script and they ALL without exception say it. They get over it a few days later.

In some cases, it is best to do it in person, others with a phone call or a certified letter. Children should always be told in person with a heartfelt HONEST discussion.

If a workplace affair, send a certified letter stating the facts to the HR director, ccing a key VP and the affairees supervisor [s].

Others can be done on the phone.The MB opinion is that it is best to do this in one fell swoop with no warning. That way, the infidels do not have a chance to pre-empt you and spin you as a "jealous nut."

In all cases, give them your full name and phone # so they can contact you for followup questions.

Good exposure targets are:

1. OP spouse [should always be the first]
2. employer if workplace affair
3. WS and BS parents
4. close friends and siblings
5. pastor
6. OP's parents

Exposure is part of Plan A. Have you read Surviving an Affair? Here is a good outline of what Plan A really is:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

your mental and physical health will take a turn for the better if you start taking action and set a strategic plan into motion. If you start taking action against the affair you will feel like a NEW MAN. It is very stressful to do nothing because that leads to a feeling of helplessness and despair.

While exposure may not stop the affair, it will certainly hasten its death. Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure ruins all that.

Okay, first I can't respond too quickly, my keyboard skills are limited.

I laearned of this affiar on Feb 7 and at that point I notified 4 of her confidants and two pastors. Since then the 3 of the 4 'Christian'confidants have black listed me and the other is more mature and shows better discernment. The two pastors state that they are trying to steer W back to God.

And some of these abreviations I'm having trouble with also.

Hey lildoggie, I do hear everything you are saying and I would agree. It will take a bit of time to get things together.

At the Protection Order hearing I did have the OM subpoenaed and I could get the court records of admitting the I love you stuff and the general affair. What do you think?

Sounds like a good plan. What does your lawyer advise?

On what grounds did your WW file a RO against you? Do her reasons have any actual merit?

Any generic typical letters out there for the exposure. Like I stated earlier, I have violated the Love Busters and I want to do this in a non-confrontational manner and simply stay on purpose.

The RO was typical cry wolf with numerous outside restrictions. At the end of the hearing allllllll restrictions were lifted and basically my wife wants to be left alone and the judge's message was to stay away from her and her house. That's it.

I bumped the spying 101 thread for you, read it and get some ideas of what you can do to get the info you need

I'm new to this stuff... what does the spying 101 thread mean, I don;t follow.

I don't know how to keep this thing as more of an IM and I have to keep going back to my posts and scrolling through the whole thing just to keep up.

I'm willing to learn.

Never, never, never anything physical and that is with both of us. But lots and lots of hurtful yelling on both parts... just being honest... guilty of the LB's

I see this exposure thing as a bit of a challenge, I have already informed a few (very limited) number and they had already been primed by my WW and I'm labeled as an abuser and mean and nasty... hence the RO. Get the focus off of the A and back on to me and the 'problem'.

I'm just a bit frazzled here.

So the ground has already been set for exposure and in many ways she has done her homework in villifying me to others. I will say though that the people who have heard from both of us are typically seeing most of the facts as facts.

Should I procede with the full force of the tsunami?

Again to lildogie,

With a RO in force and no contact between myself and WW then how would it be possible to institute an effective Plan A? In-comunicato and that is until July 1.

Got proof? Want to try to recover the marriage? Busting up the affair is your best route. Expose with the facts. Do you have benefit of the model letter(s)

Larry

I have journal notes, extensive phone records and I could get court docs.

I would like some model letters.

This will really upset the apple cart and I kind of see this as a violation of LB's

Let me know...

Yes, this is the goal, to upset the apple cart. Cause as much conflict as possible in your wife's affair. Tell everyone. When you tell her family members, tell them you love your wife and want to save your marriage, and then ASK FOR THEIR ADVICE. Asking for their advice seems to incent their buy-in.

A letter of exposure should go to the director of Human Resources and both their supervisors. If the OM has a facebook account, I would expose the affair to all his contacts via private email.

The exposures are best done on the same day in order to get the maximum effect. I will post some exposure templates.

Close family members should be called. Children should be told in person if possible. Be sure and call the OM's parents so they know he is doing a married woman.

Is the OM married? Did you already answer that?