I joined the site and have been doing some reading and would like to bounce my situation on here hoping for some feedback/insight. Please note I have never posted in any forums in my life. Here is my story up to this point:
My Wife and I have been married for 12 years this Sunday. Last year (MAY) my Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given about 5 - 12 months to live. Because my parenst live in another state I started taking some trips to be out there with my Dad. On one such trip, I returned home and that evening my DD(8) told me about Mom's friend that she had gone out with and spent all day Friday until Saturday morning with. She was able to give me enough details for me to completely believe her. I confronted her that night and for 30 minutes she denied everything until finally she told me she had been seeing someone but they had not had sex. I felt she was still lying but she would not discuss it any further until I couldn't take it anymore. She finally agreed to discuss it over Thanksgiving weekend where she admitted to everything EA & PA.
Apparently the guy has since moved to Texas but she continued her affair via internet and phone. She like the others also told me she isn't in love with me anymore and feels like this guy is her soul mate. Even before I found out she told me she had nothing for me emotionally (she did not give me any support with my dad�s issue). I have never been so hurt/betrayed/angry in my life. Nor have I ever gone through the hell I am going through right now. We�ve been trying marriage counseling since Dec., but it hasn�t helped much in my opinion. So I like most of the others on this site have been in limbo and am tired. I have been on anti-dep for 6 months and am just getting off of them. I am Plan A�ing still and have been since January. She feels I have not valued her enough and she has been made to feel not good enough or that I am �better� than her. Please note she came into the marriage with those thoughts, feelings, and insecurities.
The last known contact with the OM was about 5 weeks ago. As far as I know she has deleted both facebook accounts she setup and got rid of her secret cell phone she bought and was hiding from me for a few months (she already had a prepaid cell phone). About 3 weeks ago after a discussion/argument I asked her if she were to decide today would she choice to divorce and she said �yes�. She asked me the same question and I said I�m not ready to decide yet. Last week I told her I was still trying to save the marriage. I know from her character she will not be the one who will file for divorce, but she�s not doing anything to invest in our marriage either.
My dad�s funeral was about 6 weeks ago (he was 64). We all went down and unfortunately my wife made it all about her and how badly she was treated by my family, which some of them gave her the silent treatment. Subsequently she was mad at me. I regret taking her.
I know there were thing I could have done better to help build our marriage and have told her that and ask forgiveness for that. However I believe overall I have been a good husband and a great father. She has turned everything back on me and I have at times felt worthless and like a piece of garbage. I actually am a good guy.
Any Ideas?
Thanks.

Me, BH - 33
WW - 32
M - 12 yrs
DS x2 (6, 3)
DD x2 (8, 18mths)
DDay- 10/5/09
Plan A

Hope, I am so sorry that you find yourself here but you will not find a better place for information, advice and support. Have you read all of the information on the site? I see that you have four young children. They are a very good reason to fight for your M and your ability to be in the home with them all the time.

Is the OM married? Have you exposed their A? Can you afford to counsel with the Harleys?
Stick around. We will help you through this nightmare.

God's Blessings,

Say

Have you exposed the affair? And was it an extensive, nuclear, exposure?
Are you positive that NC has not been established for 5 weeks?
Is she willing to work MB principles with you? (i.e. Read the books and do some activities?)

I see two conflicting things that are confusing me.
1) She deleted her facebook and got rid of her secret cell phone. This looks like she is working on the marriage.

vs.

2) She is being selfish at your dad's funeral (my condolences). This looks like she is trying to justify an ongoing affair.

I have a tugging thought that she is gaslighting you.

Can you give us a little more background? How long did the A go on? Have you exposed? Is OM married? How did they meet?

Your WWs behavior subsequent to giving up her 'secret' phone and shutting down multiple FB accounts sounds a little...off, hope. Have you snooped? How do you know the last contact was 5 weeks ago?

If your WW isn't the type to pursue a D, yet is talking D, I suspect she's still in contact with OM. You need to snoop.

I could have read it wrong, but it looks like her bad behavior at his dad's funeral was 6 weeks ago, and the last known contact with the OM was 5 weeks ago. I took it to mean that she deleted her facebook and got rid of the phone just recently, not before her behavior at the funeral. I don't necessarily see a conflict there.

You MUST expose the entire affair to EVERYONE. Until she can't find a refuge of lies to feel comfortable in, she won't be able to see what she is doing. Regardless of whether or not you divorce. I made the mistake twice, not to expose, and things just stayed the same with a 'blip' of 'OMG caring' followed by the fog once again.

Let EVERYONE know... it won't matter one way or the other, because if you stay with her and she changes, it will be worth it. If you don't, then at least you will have done everything in your power. She might be mad... but it won't really matter if you are divorced.

Thanks. The OM is Married and by heresay I heard the OMW knows about the A and she has been having an A on him. Supposedly they are planning on D. But again this is heresay from my WW a few months back (DEC). The only exposure has been to her family and my family and 2 of my friends.

Exposure was not extensive as I have seen on this forum. Up to this point she has not been willing to work MB principles. I told her about the website and tried to get her to fill out the EN questionaire and she wouldn't.

Never believe anything your WW says about OM or OMW. She has been lying to you for months. They are lying to each other. The whole A is a huge lie. Call the Om's wife so she can watch things from her end. It may be your only cahnce.

God's Blessings,

Say

First, WS lie, all the time and they are most definitely NOT a reliable source for critical information. One of the first things you need to do is figure out contact information for OM's wife and then you PERSONALLY contact her and have a chat. Chances are she knows nothing about her supposed divorce, much less about her RA (revenge affair). We've seen this over and over again.

Do not tell your WW that you are going to expose to OMW! She will be furious when she finds out. No biggie. Your marriage can survive her anger. It CANNOT survive her affair.

She met OM at Wal-Mart in January 2009 and started up a "friendship" with him. Didn't get to a PA until late July of 2009. I tried a Keylogger to snoop a few weeks ago but could get it to work. I think WW now thinks there is one on our computer. I know the last contact was 5 weeks ago because just before that she created a new facebook account under her maiden name and OM and one of OM friends were on it. She had her security setting on so I went through his FB account and found her on his. I confronted her abou this the next eveing and low and behold all of a sudden the OM FB account security setting were change and I could not search through his account anymore. However I know his OMW account and can get to OM account through hers and saw WW still on as OM friend. But finally WW said she deleted her new FB account and I have verified she dropped off OM FB account.

And this has what to do with exposing to OMW? You have the means to do it, so do it.

God's Blessings,

Say

Sorry the previous post was refering to 'Maritalbliss's questions. You're right it has nothing to do with exposure to the OMW. If WW really is in the proess of getting over the OM can this addition exposure to the OMW take us backwards too much? I know I sound weak.

Wayward to betrayed translation: OMW doesn't know anything about their A.