It sounds to me like WW is simply playing the flip-flop role of the WS. During the weeks my WW lived under my roof following D-Day she wanted very much to "maintain an atmosphere of mutual respect." Which was just another way of saying "don't get on my case about the affair and guilt me into being angry so I have to defend myself against my own shame."

When we were calm and almost like husband-and-wife, she was every bit the woman I remember marrying. One surreal day, she went out for a run, and afterwards said she wanted to make one of her favorite dishes. I bought the groceries and we worked together cutting, chopping, stirring, etc. We watched football, ate dinner and everything seemed to be a distant nightmare. Then, just as I was settling in for a comfortable evening together, she arose and simply said she was "heading out."

What???

Right out of the blue. Oh yes, she was going to watch the rest of the football game "on the large TV." And by the way, she wouldn't be home that night.

You could have swept the floor with my jaw.

This is the kind of behavior I couldn't understand before coming to MB. This is the kind of manipulative, deceiving behavior that the WS exhibits to control the BS, to lull them into inaction, to fool them into believing lies (ref: gaslighting) and to convince themselves that what they're doing is right and "proper." As if anything could be further from the truth!

Don't leave yet. Plan A involves as close of proximity as you can manage. Living in the same house is hardest, but best.

There's plenty of time to give her a taste of life without you during Plan B. A short wannabe Plan B, at this point, will just whet her appetite for more. She needs the whole apple, or none at all.

Unfortunately, I'm back and its not to report good news.

WW asked for D a week ago and has already spoken with a lawyer. At first I told her I didn't talk D and walked away.

Two days later I told her I loved her and disagreed, but wouldn't stand in her way. I'm taking the kids(3,6)on a vacation we planned as a family, she's not coming.

At first I thought she would come to her senses when she was home alone for the week, but not sure I want her back even if she does.

She's looking at rentals and is realizing she will kill us financially with a D.

Need advice, need recommendation for a key logger. Hate that I 'm back. Not sure if I want to go right to plan D. She put me through a year of hell and now she wants a D. $~!%^ her!

Can anyone relate, what would you do?

Can- I can definitely relate. I'm sorry to hear that. I too followed all the great advice and my WW filed the day before our 14 year anniversary (9 March). Problem I have found that unlike recovery where it takes BOTH of you, divorce only really needs one to make happen.

I recommend you talk to a lawyer yourself to see what you can/should do to protect your kids and yourself. Stay calm- these things can take quite a while to process. As somebody else told me- it ain't over until the ink is dry.

I need to read up on your thread to get the full understanding, but I am an unwilling participant in my WWs divorce process. It may be possible that looking at what the D really means may help her to realize that it is not what she wants. Maybe not. Prepare yourself for either case.

Prepare for the worst but continue to hope for the best.

As far as keyloggers, I went with specterPro Eblaster and it worked awesome. Easy to install and very hard to detect. Hang tough and stay calm. Don't let her see you shaken up by this.

I spoke with a lawyer, no retainer yet, waiting I guess to see if she really starts moving forward. I told WW I talk to her about a budget for her getting another place after the vacation with the kids. We need her income to help pay the mortgage, she has no clue.

Forget this, she can make her own budget, I'm busy with the kids and taking care of myself. She's on her own, if she moves out, so be it, I'll make it work without her.

I can't even bring myself to look her in the eye.

Cant- I've read up on your thread and can totally relate. There is a huge gap from December to today. What was happening for the last 3 months?

Were you working a plan A, or just continuing on? Sounds like your WW was acting identically to mine. How was your interactions over the last 3 months?

We had 2 great months in that 3 month gap. I big lb's a couple times because I was having night terrors due to the anti-depress/anx meds I was on. I'd wake up sweating and ready to fight/angry and couldn't go back to sleep, I would have 3-4 nights in a row with no sleep becaus of these. I stopped the meds a month ago and feel the best I ever have and no lbs since.

A month ago I showed her the side effects of the meds I found and she siad something to the affect of there will always be an excuse, she will always be made to feel less then, just get over it already. (Her words)

No mention of her part in this, me being on meds (1st time in my life), she still works with him, this is all me holding on to hurt so I can hurt her. Couldn't be further from the truth.

Has/did she commit to working on the M? Outside of changing jobs has she done anything to put NC into place with OM? It doesn't seem like she has taken any action to that end.

She did begin listening to "fall in Love, stay in love" ,however, we failed to finish 2 cds in 6 weeks and I was always the one asking that we do it. About 1.5 months ago she said she would leave her job if thats what I needed to heal. Unfortunately financial circumstances prevented us making that change.

We'll see if next week changes her mind about things, I'm not holding my breath and not sure I care much if she does.

Sorry Sick, I didn't answer your question about NC. For a while she claims she did everything she could to have NC and still do her job. I don't trust as far as I can throw her and the guilt of breaking up the family is eating her alive. She looks so sick and gray.

Sick, can you send me a link to your thread, so sorry to hear your in the same boat.

Hi Vets, Need help with PLAN B & D, are there letter templates for both? I'm almost positive I am going with Plan D but wanted to see both. Just cant get the kids out of my mind. Cant believe she could be so selfish. Thank you.

Can't- You can search the forums for Plan B Letter. There are several out there and I'm sure some vets can paste a link.

Speaking of links, here is a link to my thread.

SoL's Thread

So what exactly have you been doing since you have found out?

I took the kids to see my family for the last week. thought maybe being alone for the week and away from the kids might change things a bit. No luck, she insisted she was moving forward with D as soon as I got home. Prior, she had never been away from the kids for more then a couple 3 days.

I want to expose again (my motive might be more revenge,if I'm being honest), but haven't found enough proof yet. I'm debating on weather its worth it, it will look like I'm trying to prove to everyone else that she's leaving me for someone else, she's just leaving me to be happy. Can't even stand the sight of her right now. Doesn't that mean I'm ready for plan D?

Pastor said my position is well known and may want to go the collaborative approach to D to avoid more conflict.

Found this on Plan B...

Step 5: Plan A sometimes works. Dr. Harley says it doesn’t 85% of the time. Therefore, a Plan A is usually, logically, followed by Plan B. The temptation is to skip Plan A and go straight to Plan B. That doesn’t work in the overwhelming number of cases. You have to build a basis for Plan B so the wayward spouse finds out what he or she will be missing.

In Plan B, you cut off all communication with your wayward spouse. Having shown them how wonderful a person you can be as a marriage partner, you remove yourself from their lives to show them how bad it is out there without you. In Plan A, fence-sitting is almost unavoidable. Your wayward spouse gets some of their emotional needs met by you and others met by the other person. In Plan B, you suddenly, and completely, stop providing those needs you had been filling for your spouse. When they aren’t being met, it increases strife in that fantasy world your spouse and his or her partner in adultery have in common with only each other. Strife begets pressure. Pressure begets unhappiness. Unhappiness begets separation…and you win.


How long have you tried Plan A? I'm sorry if I should know this. I think I need to re-read your thread again to get caught up.

Plan A is supposed to end in either Plan B or recovery.

I put in a good 6 months into Plan A. Sure I had some LB's but overall, I'am an entirely different person from D day. Last 40 lbs, patient with the kids and others, the only was my anger and hurt over the EA because they were still working together and I had to relive it every day for a year.

To all those reading, I cannot tell how much not having NC killed us, and my counselor agrees. Please insist on pure NC, no exceptions!

I did a couple searches for PLan B templates and haven't come across something I like yet. I want to set the bar high should WW ever realize she made a mistake. Really highm I deserve it after what she been putting me and the families through, Does any one have a favorite template, maybe one they wouldd got a positive response from the WS

I used the letter from SAA. I just modified it a bit.

Do you have an IM set up? Do you have all of your ducks in a row?

I am sorry, but I can't remember, did you expose this far and wide?

We are both still in the house together and will be until the D is final, unless she gets a place sooner. I have asked her to leave, but she won't. She is trying to keep the house in the D and so am I. She wants to take a collaborative approach to D and my participation comes at a price because I don't want a D, so I made it clear that if I don't keep the house, no collaborative approach and I will fight for everything. She started looking at rentals.

I did expose and I believe she is talking to him again, but can't prove it as most is done in person at work. Everyone from co-workers, family and friends know and if they end up together after D, they're smart enough to connect the dots.

I need to do a plan B in house, is it possible, what does it look like. My IC agrees with the plan B letter with a very high bar for her to come back. I have a session next Monday and want get her a copy before our next session. I don't have SAA, but have FILSIL and I promise.

Sorry for being high maintenance, not having luck finding a good sample plan b letter.

You are not "high maintenance". That is the purpose of these boards (I think). We all share common problems and try to help each other out. Pretty simple, but the support and understanding cannot be found anywhere else.

I am in a very similar situation with regards to looking into trying a Plan B under the same roof. So far I haven't found any way to do so. Neither my WW nor I are willing to leave the home right now.

Sorry to hear that Sick. Thank you for the reminder of why this place exisits.

My IC recommended that all necessary communication happen through email or text and make sure it is empty of emotion before its sent. I know this isn't ideal but, its a start.

I just don't want my kids seeing me be cold to WW, they are so observant and impressionable. Just feel sick of limbo (good name!)

SoL,

Can you re-post the 180 plan that you are following? That seems to be the best approach for living something akin to a plan "B" when the spouse won't leave.

I am pretty much following the 180 plan myself, although I never even asked my wife to leave the house. I just had to do something besides plan "A". It wasn't working when SHE didn't allow me to meet any of the big 4 emotional needs (Conversation, affection, SF, and recreational companionship).

Under the 180 plan it's more like "distant, but cordial". Someone above said you can't rely anymore on her for your happiness, and that is 100% true.

I am still working on myself, being the best father I know how to be, running the household as well as I can, but finding some opportunities to enjoy myself and do some things for me. I'm kind of indifferent right now. If she comes around and decides she wants to save the marriage, then I'm totally on board. If not, then I'm fine with that, too. There's nothing I can do to change it anyway.