Hello friends I may never meet. I'm writing on behalf of my friend Rutger. I've had the opportunity to spend much of the last four days in contact with him and he could really use some encouragement about now.<P>Rutger and his wife had their first "date" since she left this last Friday. As expected, it was pretty awkward. He did a pretty good job of reeling in the lovebusters when the opportunities arose and generally did a great job of continuing "Plan A."<P>What has hurt him is his wife's continued emotional distance from him. In some areas he feels connected to her, almost like before. Yet within seconds, her more recent personality surfaces and he feels alone and alienated in her company. <P>She is giving him mixed messages. On one hand she lives on her own (allegedly) and he doesn't know where or even her telephone number. She wants her privacy and for him to give her space while she figures out how she wants to spend her next 60 or so years. She is cold and businesslike.<P>However, often during the same contacts she opens up to him and is even vulnerable for brief periods of time. She cries and asks him how he could be capable of loving her still after she has betrayed him. She expresses deep and painfull guilt for her conduct.<P>Yet, she also tells him she is dating and wants to know where he's going so she doesn't run into him with her "new" friends.<P>Rutger has done a great job of not snooping or otherwise trying to monitor his wife. He's been a better man about this than I ever was. He has been positive and continually looking at the bright side of this situation. <P>Sometimes he struggles to find the bright side and has received an incalculable amount of help on this site. (Thanks to you all!!)<P>Today, he was probably the saddest he's been since the first few days after she left.<P>We talked about it and believe that he probably had expectations for an emotional connection with his W during and following their date that were not realized.<P>I didn't help much by bolstering his ego before they left. (Her increased contact with him led me to believe she was probably coming home soon and this was the first step).<P>Now that the date is over and she's still pretty much where they were about a week ago, my friend appears to be exhausted.<P>He is still committed to the marriage and has not been making the (normal) angry comments about filing for divorce to "get it over with"....he just seems tired-defeated.<P>I do my best to keep him "up" but am to the point of just trying to distract him for minutes at a time to give him some "grief relief."<P>It is my belief that Rutger's wife is not only disinterested but also incapable of reciprocating his efforts at this time. She seems to be a long way from re-entering the marriage (emotionally). My advice to him is simply to keep working on himself so that if/when she becomes interested in being his wife again (i.e.-catches the return shuttle from LaLa Land), he is ready to pick up and give 100% of himself. I believe she is the only person who can make the decision to come home. I think it is possible for Rutger to push her away but I don't think it likely that he will be able to lure her back.<P>I keep on him to post here but for the first time in months, he won't. He says he is just too tired and that it is too much to write.<P>Many of you have exchanged emails with Rutger during the past months. If you have some time, would you please consider dropping him a note and giving him some of that great energy that often flows here.<P>I know he would really appreciate it and that he's the kind of guy who will return it when he's back on his feet again.<P>Thanks,<BR>Todd<P>------------------<BR>"Our days together are numbered, Ininfite"

EB<BR>I'm glad Rutger has a good friend like you at a time like this.<P>I don't have enough experience with this situation other than what I've read, but I can give you my two cent opinion.<P>I hope the two of them are in counseling. When the affair is ongoing it's so easy to focus on getting your spouse to wake up to the fact that the OP is just a fantasy and all your enegies are spent in that direction.<P>When the wake up finally arrives the betrayed expect to see some reward for their effort. In fact I believe this is when it gets really hard, because the betrayer has to deal with withdrawal, guilt and many other emotions and the betrayed with a lot of confused signals. That being said if the betrayed knows what he/she is up against it can be easier to focus, just like when the affair is ongoing.<P>In Rutger's case he has successfully won round 1 only to find that he doesn't know what he's up against anymore. His wife has probably finished her affair, but is unsure of what she really wants. At this stage Rutger could try to help her focus on her needs, hopefully she will be receptive. If they have already done that maybe they should revisit it. This would give him an opportunity to continue plan A with a focus now of meeting those needs. <P>Please excuse if this post is rambly, we all want Rutger to be successful, I hope there are others out there with some concrete experience of this siuation.<P>Remember JMHO.

EB - Darn it! I had thought the same thing that you did! He's been working so hard and doing so well. <P>He's so lucky he has you to talk to. We'll do our best.<BR>Lori

awoken and lostva,<P>Thank you for taking the time to reply and sharing your opinion.<P>I know from past experiences Rutger gains strength and direction from the input provided here. I will do my best to convey your positive thoughts to him.<P>------------------<BR>"Our days together are numbered, Ininfite"

Earnest Beginner -- I too am glad the Rutger has a friend like you near him. When you talk with him, let him know that I sent him an E-Mail.<P>God Bless

Hi<BR>I like rutger and lostva thought this was her first step to comming back home I am amazed that things did not go well please tell him when you see him that I have sent him an e mail and that we are sending all the positive vibes we can his way.<P>Jenny<BR>South Africa<P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<BR>Paula Cole<P><BR>

To all my Dear friends,<P>First let me say that I am very touched by your E-Mails and responses. I wish we all had the benefit of having a good friend like I do. <P>Todd, <BR>I may not say this enough or express myself to you because we are guys and guys don't usually do that ( kind of the unspoken rule ) but without you I would have never made it through this, You are insightful, caring, and compassionate. I rely on you as my sounding board and as my very best friend you come through for me, each and every time. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there and giving me a perspective that keeps me in check. I care for you more than a brother ever could and I hope nothing but the best for you and your wonderful new wife. I know you will do well.<P>Now, As for the rest of you........ Your great. I am continually amazed at the compassion and caring that I have received from the people on this board. I wish that I could meet each and every one of you and spend hours sitting around and just talking. You folks are great and my hope is that I can return some of this when I am back on my feet.<P>I know I have been a turd for the past few days, This has been, not just one of, but the most difficult experience of my life. Nothing other than the loss of a child could be worse. Not if, but when I survive this I will be a better man, No doubt in my mind. It is just the journey that I must endure to get to that final place.<P>I will continue to do what I can to show my Wife that I love her. Right now I think it is important for me to be her friend, I think our new relationship needs to have a better foundation than before and I believe that to be friendship. It is very difficult to keep that positive outlook. I know that someday in someway that I will be rewarded by my efforts. My reward my be as simple as inner peace in knowing that I am trying every thing in my limited power to get my Wife back......... No regrets. <P>I am slowly becoming who I want to be, A Caring, Compassionate, Trustworthy, and Enduring man. I like that, And for my next relationship, be it hopefully with my Wife or some other woman, I will be the best man that I can be. <P>So in closing thank you all so much, I will be poking my head in and out to see what is going on. Slowly I will be back as strong as I was before. This past few days really through me for a loop and I just need some time to lick my wounds. <BR> <P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Oh, Rutger, I'm so glad to finally hear from you!<P>Looks like you made it - a little battered and bruised, but you made it. You've got the right idea, you know? You'll do just fine.<P>Hang in there, my friend. <P>Lori