Fantabulous

A milion thanks

Great post 2long.

Good luck Chris with the Simcard reader....wish I knew there was soemthing like that.

I have the reader; however, I need to stop by the cell phone store and hope they'll show me how to use it on the phone (with one they have there). I have to be stealthy with this!

I had the opportunity to search his work bag. Nothing. BEnn on his PC again. Nothing. (Still need to get the keylogger on. I may do that tomorrow while he is out with our child. They'll be gone for 1.5 hours.)

On the positive side, he continues to respond more and more each day to the MB things I am doing. For example, he seeks me out for the UA now. Also, we are working much more cooperatively on things as well.

That is encouraging news Chris. Keep up the good work.

Update...

I have searched his car & his work bag a few times now + I manually search his cell phone & compare it to the cell phone records online every day. I continue to search through his email account and his FB page each day as well. I have found ziltch.

Some things I can't do:
I am unable to search his work cell phone.
I can't get access to his email account at work.

I still haven't used the SIM card reader on his personal cell phone becasue I am unsure how to do it (I need to stop by the verizon booth or maybe radio shack and see if I can get some help); however, with the activity I am seeing on phone at this time, I doubt it will turn up anything...but I am still going to do it.

I was not able to install the keylogger this week as I had hoped. I did not have enough time alone in the house. We have had so much UA time. Today he'll be gone for a few hours + I'll be sending our child outside to play, and so I'll be installing the key logger on his PC.

Each day seems to bring us closer and closer in our marriage. At this point, I am not seeing any overt wayward spouse behavior; however, I am going to follow through and double check so I can confirm & verify because I have to consider the fact that my earlier revelation re/ the text message may have served to push wayward activity further underground - if there is any taking place. Also, I have read in this forum about "false recovery" because a wayward spouse secretly kept in contact their OW / OM. I can't deny the fact that I found that text message and it warrants investigation.

My only question is this: How long do I keep up the snooping? How long do I keep the keylogger installed? 30 days? 60 days? a year? forever?

OK...HERE I GO! Our child is playing outside & I'm ready.

Based on the recommendations of the fine folks here, I went to this site: http://www.spectorsoft.com/ and I purchased EBlaster for Windows.

I had to call the 800 # for help because I didn't know the difference between EBlaster & SpectorPro. They were both choices at the site - you can buy them separately or together. According to the customer service person, with SpectorPro you'd have to go the PC to view activity whereas EBlaster sends transcripts directly to an email address of your choosing. Eblaster is the one for me.

Another note for anyone who is a novice - after you buy the EBlaster, you'll get an email with insructions which you can use to install the item on the PC you wish to monitor.

Since I have been educated about "privacy" versus "secrecy" within the context of a marriage, I don't feel any guilt about this at all. If I do get "caught" I will simply say that I was simply trying to discover the truth about our life together and to protect our marriage, and I will say that confidently because it's the truth.

I've come a long way baby!

Good job...I hope the eblaster works for you. Honestly I hope you find nothing and that this is all for peace of mind.

It's on!

The Eblaster is installed & set up for daily reports.

I hope that I don't find anything too. Thanks Smiley & thanks to everyone for your support.

WTG Chris. You deserve the truth about your life. Good job.

OK, it's only been a day and here's what I have so far: Nothing surprising or out the ordinary. My H received a few emails, viewed Porn for about 10 minutes and he also spent about 5-6 minutes on the official web site of his favorite football team before he came up to bed last night.

I would like to talk about the porn:

At this point I have stopped looking at porn because of what I have learned here @ MB. I would like to address the porn thing with my H.

The situation is - Right now, my H gets porn pictures and jokes sent to him via text message by a male friend almost daily and he visits free porn sites on the web ocassionally. Before learning about MB, I didn't think anything was wrong with viewing porn, and I even viewed porn ocassionally myself. My H does too. We each know / knew this about the other. My H also knows I have vibrators.

I have learned that Dr H. says porn is a no-no because we should not be seeking sexual experiences without our spouse. Learning that - I stopped viewing the porn. I have not shared the MB philosophy regarding porn with my H; however, I have incorporated it into my behavior and thinking.

I think I could gently introduce the topic when we discuss the LB & EN Quizzes next week. I listed the porn under "annoying habits" this way in part C of section 5. Annoying Habits:


Any ideas / thoughts / comments?


*Also posting this on the other side for assistance from that perspective

How are you going to bring up 'porn' without blowing your cover. I would certainly let it slide for a while, because no good will come of it at this moment in time. You CANNOT act on what you find, until you find something really worth acting on. This is the problem with snooping. Sometimes you find an issue, but that wasn't why you put it on the computer.

Use your head... keep cool and wait. If he is up to something, it will eventually show. But if you go and bring up something which you COULDN'T KNOW ABOUT... then you will have tipped your hand and you won't get anything else. He will just go deeper. If you wait for a LONG TIME and nothing comes up, you can THEN bring it up in a round-about way.

IMO

I think simply mentioning your change of thinking on the subject might be good. It would be a good chance to display open/honesty.

Something like, "I know we both look at porn from time to time. I have been thinking about this lately and feel it might help our situation out if we were to both agree to stop looking at porn and focus only on each other. I have decided to stop. How do you feel about this?"

I think it might be hard to claim it's an annoying habbit if it only became annoying to you recently. At the same time, if you can express that you don't like it, in a non-threatening manner, maybe he will stop. Just a thought.

You're right - I can't blow my cover...

The key thing is we both know about each other's online porn viewing and we recetly talked about his pal sending him the texts...a few times when we have been out together some came up & he showed me - so the texts are definitely out in the open...

How's this editted version for the Quiz discussion? I changed it so that it says "I think" he's looking at porn online.

This seems like a better way....a thoughtful request. Thanks!

My stock answer for many of these...it's become something we 'sort of' joke about...

"You can do anything you want when you live alone."

and to continue on with this (will only need to say this once), "but while in a M with me I have asked for some things, honesty, tranparency, and no secrets. And I would hope you would expect the same from me. But if we were no longer M, you can do anything you want."

So when my FWH spouts off, "I just want a day where I don't have to take the kids anywhere..." I reply, "You can do anything you want when you live alone."

Interesting...

Chris or anyone else out there that knows can you install this eblaster on a personal laptop pc that has a password lock on it at all times?? My spouse never leaves it running w/o the password lock on it...even going to the toilet....I have never been able to check the history even once....I am not computer savy at all....but for a good yr or longer I noticed this and thought it odd as I leave mine running and not locked all the time....so I was thinking fine I'll lock mine to even if I go 10steps away to the toilet like he has been doing. His home laptop is here during the day but locked so I figure I can't do this or any other device.....I would like to know what he is into online and what kind of emails he gets to be honest....maybe since I started reading over here instead of MB101 I am getting parnoid but I would feel better if I had a peak at it but since there is no A or anything going on in my marriage I feel like even talking about this here is so wrong to do....geez I sound nuts.

Also how do you get the password for your spouses email account...thru the eblaster??

Thank you

Chris,

I've read your thread and am not ready to jump on the "he's having an affair" wagon. Gather more evidence.

As far as him being affectionate: My dad was very affectionate to my mom throughout their marriage and he was cheating on her with multiple women. She had no clue until she was checking his pockets before putting his clothes in the was and found a receipt for a hotel.

She otherwise didn't have a clue.

Granted, us kids knew something was wrong when he quite going to communion, but we all figured it was a mid life crisis.

In other words, your gut doesn't often fail you.

Did he cross a boundary? Sure.

My ex had poor boundaries as well. She saw some things as being ok, but I had issues with her hanging out alone with male friends. She told me I was jealous for no reason and that she didn't see this kid as anything other than a friend.

Just one year later she cheated on me (with other men) while I deployed.

So poor boundaries are a big issue.

Call the EBlaster folks and see what they say Gem.

Just using this area as a scratchpad for additional help with responses to "privacy" versus "secrecy" in a marriage:

Here's a quote which stands out: