Please give us an update. I'm worried about you OH.

I'm fine, I just don't have much to report. Talking with a few folks off line and that's been helpful though unfortunately, no one can solve my problems but me.

There's a piece of me that asks: have I really given this my best MB shot? If I'd done this better, given it more time, not had any AOs or LBs on my end, would it be different?

And there's a piece of me that asks: how much more time am I going to spend on this?

I just had the most inane conversation of my life with him. He's frustrated with his job search. He says he spins his wheels all day and gets nowhere (no kidding and yes, that's a DJ in my own mind but it's the truth. But I didn't say anything.) He says "I need to find a job." Then he says "but I hate it here." Then he says "I'll never find a job out of this industry." Then he says "but there are no jobs in this industry."

I tried to ask him what his plan was out of this quandary. (he says he has no plan)

I tried to thoughtfully suggest he volunteer or take some classes. (he says he doesn't want to do that because he doesn't have a job. That he only wants to do it when he has no time to do it. )

I tried to thoughtfully suggest that he would be doing it for him. He would have a few hours with a change of pace/routine. He deflected that, too.

So I told him that the leftover roast beef was pretty good and that I was going to finish my piece and go to the gym.

He had a small outburst (WHERE IS IT..while staring into the fridge). I pointed it out then said I had to work over my lunch since I was under a microscope. As I headed back down to my office, I heard him say "just great" under his breath.

BTW, Saturday night I told him I just no longer had faith in myself that I could keep doing this. I was clear and concise. He didn't say anything, just went upstairs and to bed. But he's been sure to tell me that he hasn't slept well in two nights.

I think it's normal to doubt ourselves. But I also know that when/if the time is "right" to move on without him, you will have profound peace that accompanies that decision. If you don't have the peace, then the time probably isn't right.

Sounds trite. But it's what many IRL wise people who have been down that road have told me. So I pass it on to you

Sometimes though you can't really find peace with either decision. That was my situation for a huge chunk of my marriage. I knew something was way 'off' and that no matter what I tried I couldn't feel 'good' about things. I wish I had left him 10 years ago.

((OH))...hope you are doing better....hope your job situation gets settled soon.

I think your most important task is working on your job or securing another one. There is no need to make any other decisions right now, and the situation with your job is taking lots of your energy.

I would let hubby know that you are under the gun and will be devoting most of your energies toward employment. Tell him you have confidence that he will find work and find the roast beef. Just kidding about the roast beef!

Yes, I am working hard on my own job situation. I'm happy to toss any tidbits of info his way when I get them (we work in similar industries) but I'm not taking time away from my search to get wrapped up in his issues.

He had another outburst last night that upset my daughter. It wasn't terrible on the scale of his outbursts, but it's tough for our daughter when he tells her to do something (yells, actually) and she's doing it as fast as she can and is trying to tell him that, and he's yelling at her not to talk back to him.

OH, your posts about your husband are so often about his angry outbursts, and his angry remarks about the world in general.

He needs some individual counseling for his anger problems. He needs other outlets like volunteer work, a part time job, hobby, yard work, etc, to accomplish something and feel better about himself.

Marriage counseling may bring him some insight into the extent of his anger problems, but he is going to have to work on that outside of, and in addition to, his marriage relationship.

I know he needs individual counseling. He has seen a few different counselors over the years and has been on ADs and now insists he is done with all that.

I wrote earlier about his rebuttals to my suggestions about volunteer work, a part time job, a hobby, etc. Those are met with "I have no hobbys, I have no friends, I hate the idea of PT work, my life sucks, I hate it here, I don't want to volunteer and give back until I get something for ME, etc., etc." It's so appalling that it's hard to listen! Yesterday I just gave him the standard MB line "well, I'm sure you'll come up with a plan for that."

He met with a guy here in town the other day...networking. Sent a thank you note to the original guy who introduced them. The original guy wrote back and said "you're welcome. Now what is your plan for networking with him." and H's reaction was "I can't believe he asked that!" I said "well, he's the head of that networking group; perhaps he's just trying to follow through". Though I was thinking "of course that's what he should have asked you."

SH says he has only one oar in the water. LG has said he's getting sucked into a vortex. Both are right. And I can't help him. The issue is how much of a wife am I able to be when I am totally feeling hopeless about his ability to do his part to provide for his family.

He is creating his own vortex by paddling in circles with one oar.

What Retread said.

My ex-H is frequently described as a big sucking hole of negativity. It's really hard to live with. I finally decided I would have to be medicated to live with it the rest of my life, and that wasn't ok.

What affect does this have on you day-to-day? On your kids?

My D13 is now seeing 1st hand how negative ex-H (and his entire family, really) is, and she's not liking it one bit. I've worked hard to give them space for their own relationship and not bad-mouth him over the years. It's hard now to see her struggling with what I struggled with. But I can tell you I'm a lot more at peace with my decision to D him. I see the harm it's doing to her with the limited exposure of visitations, and I cringe to think what growing up INSIDE that toxic environment would have done to her.

I'm all for saving marriages when they can be saved. I'm *not* for staying in toxic environments, especially with children, when they can't be cleaned up.

You have set your priorities for dealing with this -- job, then home. Just remember to take care of yourself and be honest with yourself and H in the process. Not for him, but for yourself. Be the person you want to be, he can choose to come along for the ride or wallow in his own muck.

Hugs!!

Thank you.

Yes, the environment is toxic. I can't live with it anymore. He needs to fix it if he wants to stay married..even if it takes a separation and a Plan B to do it.

But first things first: I'm working on the job front. And as much as I hate the idea of moving my kids, I'm open to relo if necessary.

What's really hard for me right now is his response to what I've said. It's along the lines of "if I pretend that I'm not mad anymore and make nicey-nice, she'll forget about all of this."

And I can't.

I haven't moved back to the couch but let's just say I'm not into fulfilling any of his ENs these days. And that's not good, either.

His reaction to my cancelling the last appointment with Steve...he understands because of the money. (missing the entire point that money or not, I wasn't spending MORE on working with someone who is not ready to contribute). And he said we can do some of the work ourselves. And yes, I suppose that I can accept taking on the role of being the person doing most of the heavy lifting but I really need him to take some action too. Our LBQs are sitting there; we haven't shared them. He's not read any of the books I have around, hasn't commented on the occasional article I send to him.

Head in the sand syndrome.

Also last night, I got really annoyed. Our son has an away LAX game today; bus leaving at 2:30 with team pictures at 2PM. He plays long pole and it's impossible to take the thing on the bus (driver doesn't want it on the bus anyway). On days when he doesn't have a game, practice is usually 4:30-6:30, so he comes home, has a snack and then H drives him back over to the field.

Last night, he asked me about getting his equip to school. I said I really didn't want to drive him in the AM if I could avoid it because the congestion at the school sucks up over 1/2 hour of my day (4 mile RT!) and puts me behind the gun for getting our daughter rolling for her bus. I told him to talk to his Dad about getting the LAX equip over there during the day.

H went a bit ballistic. Told our son he wasn't going to "break up his day" (hmmm WTF is he doing that's so important?) to get his LAX equipment over there and to just take it on the bus and quit complaining. So our son comes to me and starts complaining about Dad's outburst. I tell him "I'm sorry that Dad yelled at you, let's see if we can work out a plan to get your stuff to school that works with my schedule tomorrow."

So we brainstorm and agree that he will pack up all his equip so I don't have to deal with sweaty LAX stuff (ewww..LOL) and load it all in the back of my car. I am planning to head to the gym on my lunch break today; it's not out of the way to go by the high school. But the equip has to go down to the trainer's office and I have to go in the front door to sign in and it's a huge pain to lug it all the way down there. Better solution is for him to meet me outside the locker rooms and take it in himself. He has lunch then. So we worked that out.

This morning H says "I'll take his stuff to him." And I said "we worked it out last night". H got in a bit of a huff. Oh well.

I'm sorry OH. You are shouldering so much. And I know it's hard when you don't feel like half of the partnership is working. I wish I could offer more than heartfelt sympathy, like a fantastic great-paying job for both of you! But I can pray, so I'll do that.

Do you get any you time? Do you get to do anything that helps destress you - bubble baths, friends, reading, anything?

I got an invite to go to NYC for the weekend with some friends but when I did the budget..even on the cheap, it was going to be close to $200. Can't afford it.

I unfortunately have been taking my "me" time in the evenings when the kids are in bed or otherwise occupied (which would otherwise be prime UA time but I can't just sit and watch TV with him.) So I brew some tea and get in bed with a book.

An important point.

Job update:

Got a call today from a guy who used to work for me a gazillion years ago when I was an ad agency account director. We've both moved on, out of the agency biz, thank God. That will kill ya, eventually!

He just got an offer from his current company to make a nice lateral move and is tasked with backfilling his spot. Called and offered me the job; would love to work with me again, yadda yadda.

Nice ego boost.

But.

He now lives in the same city in TX (a state not high on my relo list to begin with) as H's old gf with whom he had the EA.

So let me think about this job offer for oh...about 1/1000th of a second.

No f'n way!


OTOH, I got an email today from a client when I was at that same agency. Looking for someone to fill a Sr Director spot for a national chain. Looks interesting. It's out west...well, almost out west. When you've lived in CA, WA, and OR, it's not "out west" unless it's right on the ocean.

So, good responses to my LinkedIn blast. LOTS of "I'm looking out for ya's" and a lot of referrals and links to jobs posted internally, etc. Nice to know that all my connections still think nicely about me.

You don't have to move there WITH your DH. In fact, I think if I were in your shoes I'd be begging him to got BACK to the EA just to get him out of my life.

OK, that wasn't very productive was it? Certainly not very MB. Guess it's that kind of day

For my own sitch, more later. I'm really deep into withdrawal and not sure what to do.

Trust me, my mind went there...

How about the part where's he's tearing into your minor kids and you are not protecting them? His feelings aren't yours to own. Please consider turning your focus away from his thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and turn to your part, OH, your choices. Step 1. How would you feel about calling someone on the phone list or journaling about your options? Visualizing a peaceful life for your kids? You can do this, OH, you can protect your children. All these years you've provided financially for them, done lots of other great stuff, you can do this, too. I believe in you.

(((OH)))