How to start out a problem, for which I am told to get over... This happened 5 months ago... I have been married for 3 years, and my husband and I have gone through a lot. Internet affairs, and him almost committing the affair.. But 5 months ago he decided to go through with it.. We had some housing issues, and I went to my mom's for 3 months in another state while he stayed in our home state. We would argue daily, mainly because I was so far away, and had our son and he would go out and have fun with friends. It made me feel like he was happy to have his time. He would say I was acting irrational, and he is having a tough time and all that stuff..

Then November came around.. Our Anniversary, he promised me that we will be on the phone with me from midnight to midnight.. I got to talk to him 30 minutes before midnight, he said it was a Friday and he had already made plans with his friends... So it is just another day? But this may help some, he is a truck driver.. And I guess the saying is true, 'Truck drivers cheat on their wives' Sorry, getting off track..

So Christmas comes, and he tells me he finally got the house.. So he comes to my mom's and gets us.. When we leave (few days after Christmas) he looks at me and smiles.. (this is while he is driving) He said "You jinxed me" I looked at him and said huh? (I use to always make jokes to him because he has a little girl groupie thing, and I use to tell him always make sure you wear protection, don't need them having a piece of you and getting pregnant). He said, "I had sex with the girl you told me to not talk to anymore, and she is pregnant" Now not only once did he do it, but three times.. And he call me 30 minutes after he went and had relations with her... Telling me all those loving things.. So I looked at him in disbelief, and asked him why.... He said I am the one that made him do it.. Because I have a low self-esteem, and unable to accept that he loves only me.. Now does that make since? To me it doesn't..

Our drive back to our home state, was very stressful... I acted to his admittance.. I blew up.. When we got to our new house, he told me I need to get over it if I want the marriage to work.. Because he did it in November, and it is the past and what is done is done.. My words to that were not the nicest..

So I decided that I am willing to try and work this out, but last month the OW got my number some how.. Now I know how the OW can be.. She told me a lot of things, and I let him know, and of course he retaliated against her in front of me, and all that drama.. But then in the mist of all that I heard who gave him her number, a friend of his... A friend that he refuses to dismiss as a friend, and keeps him around.. Well, the following week I got a message from his friend.. "Hey sweety, I know you may be mad at me, but your man needed something hotter than you, and I only helped him where I could. But now you get be a step mommy, doesn't make you happy?" I showed my husband the message, and he said he can't control what his friends do, so just block him and get over it....

He still flirts with girls online, lets them all know he is a truck driver, and always asks where they live. He says they are just words, and he will never cheat on me again, because he saw the emotional effect I had... And I need to just accept him for him, he is a flirt and it means nothing...

Like I said it has been 5 months since this has happened... And I do my wifely duties in our bedroom when he comes home, hoping that it will appease his drive and he won't want to stray again.. But every time we argue, he says that there are women out there that would treat him better.. And I always tell him to go to them then. And he always stops and tells me that he is just mad that I can't get over his mistake, and that my self-esteem needs to be better... I think I am rambling, sorry..

I just don't know what to do, I have forgiven him, can't say forget, it is something that can't be forgotten. I want this marriage to work, I want my husband back... I am so lost....

I am sorry you are here. How old are you and how old is WH? Where did he meet OW?

Why do you want to save this marriage? What else is your WH going to do as a job because he won't be able to truck drive anymore, unless you are going to go with him.

It sounds like he's still having affairs, physical or not. Flirting with girls online is just as bad, and while he's away you really have no way of knowing what he's up to. It just doesn't seem like he quite knows/cares what he did to you....he tells you to boost your self esteem but does everything he can to crush it back down by telling you other women out there will treat him better. He sounds a little emotionally abusive.

Why do you want to stay in this marriage? Have you told anyone in his family? (Obviously his friends don't care much) He needs to stop having anything to do with this girl he got pregnant, other than child support, I guess.

I am 26 (27 in June)... He is 31.. He use to work in the same company as her.. Why do I want to save this marriage? The love I have for him is insane, I wish there was words to explain it.. I have been asked that question by so many people.. He can make me so mad, but in the inside just seeing him makes me so happy.. Job wise, how about a box secluded job? *lightly laughs* I would never ask him to change his career, it has been his dream job since he was a little tyke, he loves big trucks and loves driving them... But I hoped he was that 10percent of faithful truck drivers..

His family knows, he told them first.... Then he went and told facebook friends next.. My family and I was the last to find out.. I know it is human nature to flirt.. We do it without even realizing it... But he doesn't acknowledge the fact that it puts pain in me, and makes me wonder will it happen again.. And just as I was replying to scotland the OW called me from a private number.. I keep changing my cell number and she keeps getting it some how.. Child support, yes, he will be paying that, and if the tests do prove it is his, I will expect him to be a father, even though it may hurt me like something crazy, but the child didn't ask to be fatherless..

First off it is not your fault....ever. Your husband owns his actions and his actions are adultry. There is no excuse. My pa just retired from truck driving, and he has been devoted to his wife for over 40 years of marriage.

Many Wayward spouses will drugde up things from the past and apply them to the present situation, then say its all your fault because you ________ (fill in the blank).

You do not deserve this type of abuse that he is giving you. You're caught in a really bad situation, the same situation most men and woman have been in, and I'm sorry to see you here.

I have this icky feeling about your husband. He actually said " Get over it."??? This kind of talk, and GROUPIES, does not fly well in my book. Your H gives me more heeby jeebies than any other WS out there.

How many times has your husband been married?
Is this his first affair?
Has he said I love you buy I am not in love with you?

You are not sure the kid is his? Did you have more than one relationship before or during your marriage?

You say you fight often. Does he physically abuse you?

I am his first wife... And will be his last.. He has let me know if this marriage doesn't work he will never subdue himself to it again.. This is his first physical affair.. He got caught 2 years ago having an internet fling, but the girl was an innocent victim, and cut him out of her life when I confronted her, and very sincere in her appologies.. The 'in love' has never even been said by him.. When he texts me he will just say 'love ya' I go all out and say 'I love you and I miss you deeply' But that may be one of my quirks, where if you love someone you spell it all out, and let them know it is you that loves them.. He has always had these groupies, he has had them since before we got together.. I use to make fun of them when him and I were just friends. Always told him they will get him in trouble with someone.. Who knew the someone was going to be me...

The OW is married also, so there is no 100% on it, but the dates match my husband.. I have been married once before him.. And it ended in a month, the guy changed for the worst, and I have had relationships before him, but I wasn't in love with them, I had a caring love for them, but I saw it unfair for them if I couldn't return the same feelings.. He doesn't physically abuse me.. I think he has some smarts in that area.. *smiles* I use to spar with my dad, took karate, and was in wrestling in school.. I dated my husband for 9 months before the 'I love you' even came out. I am not one of those quickly to say the L word...

This hurts me for you. Marriage isn't about "subduing" yourself, it's about making a commitment to the person you love! And, sorry to say, but I think your husband has changed for the worse as well. He feels no remorse for the affair - down to smiling and joking when he tells you about it! He also gives me the heebie jeebies.

Kamie, have you thought about counselling? Not with your husband but I think you yourself need to go. No matter how much you love a person, his behaviour is emotionally abusive, which can be just as damaging as physical.

Others have said it, but I will say it again...this A is not your fault AT ALL. It is 100% your H's responsibility. I am a FWW, and my A was 100% my responsibility. There is no justification for adultery. Don't let him give you that junk.

Here is what he needs to be willing to do:

Cut off ALL contact with OW forever. Even with a baby, he doesn't have to actually see her to see the baby, IF it is his.

Cut off all contact with any women he has ever had flirtations with

Give you complete access to his cell phone, computer passwords, everything

Take total responsibility for cheating

Get tested for STD's

And that is just a start. If he isn't willing to do these things and he maintains this arrogant attitude, he will do it again. This A is not a reflection on you, it is a reflection on him and his lack of values.

Do you have a way to get in touch with OW's H? I would definitely expose this affair to him asap. And if you have had SF with your H since the affair, it would be a good idea to get tested.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

What good qualities did your WH have BEFORE the A? How did he change?

Do you have kids?

Larry

Kammie,

Welcome to MB. Have you exposed the affair to the OW's husband? If not, do so immediately! In many states the OWH will be the presumed father to the OC unless HE decides to contest paternity. Your WH has no business butting into her marriage any more than OW has in your marriage.

How old is your son? Is he from your marriage? If not, I would think long and hard about continuing the marriage to a man that already cheated twice and got the OW pregnant. You have no idea what it means to you and your marriage to have the OW in your life FOREVER due to the OC situation.

Wow, pretty cruel that he looked at you and smiled and told you about OW and how she was pregnant?? I've heard some stuff on this site and others and I think this is almost the worst.

If she is PG how will she pass that off to her husband? As his child? You are going to have to talk to him!

Run, Kamie, as far and as fast as you can. This is a pro marriage site but any man who will inflict the heinous grief of adultery on their wife and laugh about it while blaming your low self esteem (which he caused)has serious issues. This situation will only get worse with the continuing contact between them that an OC will involve.

What will he blame you for next the broken arm he gives you? Your willingness to accept the blame for this is very, very sad. This is not love. Please get some counseling for yourself.

God's Blessings,

Say

I have been in counseling secretively, since he is on the road all the time he doesn't have to wonder where I am going at 2 in the afternoon, or anything like that.. My counselor is very helpful, but he is more for helping me than the marriage.. If that makes since.. He has changed, it is really sucks too, because we use to be best friends.. We would go to a club, and be able to just have fun. And enjoy ourselves with other people. But now, if a guy even looks at me and we are together he starts saying that I was checking him out.. I can honestly say when I go to the store, or to the park, I see the men as men.. I have no attraction to them, or a urge to 'pay him back' he has me, all of me... And NO one has ever had that.. I think this is why it pains me so much, because he knows how I feel for him, and knows that if he woke up with some out of the wall skin distortion I would see him as attractive as I did the day I told him I love him. I do want this marriage to be beyond the best, I want time to go back so then maybe I could stop it from ever happening.. I just want the images, the pain, and the fear that it will happen again to go away.. I may just be hoping for the impossible. And yeah, I have tried talking to him about the way I feel, and it just ends up in an argument and I just shut back down and bring in the teddy bears and balloons with rainbows. And I am rambling again. I really am lost on if I am going to just be putting too much energy in this marriage, giving him that need everyone needs, someone that will never stop loving you no matter the damage caused....

Kamie,

Unless you tied your husband's hands and legs together and thrust him at another woman specifically for the purpose of having an affair, there is no way, shape or form that you are to blame.

Accepting the responsibility is simply the result of having a wayward spouse shift the focus from their own aberrant behavior in an attempt to make themselves feel better about their immoral activities.

Don't buy into it.

I have spoken to the OH and he is about as trifling as it gets.. He asked me to have relations with him to get back at them both.. My child is my child, I don't want to say he was an accident, because everything happens for a reason. He is 5 years old. The good qualities of my husband.. Honesty, empathy, sympathy, always there for me no matter how small the reasoning I needed him, A FRIEND, never made me feel like I was a bother when I would call him while he was driving... The internet fling didn't affect me so much, maybe because it was so humorous to me.. I mean how desperate does someone have to be to have a fling with little black letters (I hope to not offend anyone) but it seems just stupid to me.. But for the last year, it seems to me that he has turned 'emo' everything is about him, perfect example of a situation.. We both play games on a mobile site and someone on the mobile site decided to try and tell him I sent him explicit pictures to him.. So of course my phone gets ransacked by him, and of course nothing there, but the other day this same guy started his 'war of words' with him, and as my husband was texting me about it.. I told him it is all just rubbish highschool drama... And he turned it into me calling him a kid, and immature, and pathetic.. He has been the one wanting to be the victim so say.. I only bring up the OW when she is harassing me, or when he tells me that he wants to be with no one but me.. As for the latter, that may be my poke at him to remind him what he did.. But how can you say that after doing it? And as for the passwords.. Yeah, he will not let me have any, but he has all of mine, as the women he flirts with he tells me I can not pick his friends and I am just jealous of them. Its all pointing to that this will happen again and again..