Actually, this is who I had in mind when I wrote what I wrote ... his Muth'a

1. Don't you think these answers are dependent on how long the affair was?

Yes.

2. Also, that MOST of these answers reflect on the condition of the WH's mind was at the end of the affair??

Yes.(qualified)
I just was looking for answers from the FWH's who post here .... no matter where they currently are.



3. Oh, and as far as we ALL being idiots.....speak for yourself, sasssypants!!!!!......

There goes your chance of a notable post !

Not to t/j, but Pep, you said if you were asking FWW, you would ask different questions. What would those have been? I'm curious that way. It's okay if it's too much of a detour.

Oh, and I freely admit to being an idiot

It's more than a detour. More like a dissertation.
Women (MARRIED women) who have affairs are more complex than married men who have affairs.
IMO.

The thread where I dove into that was
this thread

Ha! I alredy knew that.

Wanna bet???....

ONE DAY, SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW.....

I am gonna write this BRILLIANT, AMAZING, WONDERFULLY witty post......

It's my MB mission.......

not2fun

ps...because I forgot this earlier sweetie.....

pss....Are ya feeling better now???

I figured that....until you threw in your FYI on WHY you started this....

See this whole thread had me thinking back on those days. I didn't believe my H either when he told me how he wanted to end it........because I had seen each and every email between them. And because of that, I KNEW that that wasn't true....at least not during the affair (quite the opposite....anywho....). It wasn't until the night I caught the two of them and those God-awful, WAY-CRAZY weeks afterwards that he DID want to end it.....

But for me and my sitch, it was the one of the hardest thing to over-come....KNOWING, that for that BRIEF time (of 5 months) he would not have ended the affair for nothing....not me, not the kids, not his family....nothing.....

And it took a LOOOOONNNNNNER time, for me to ACCEPT, the power of addiction.....

(and as you can see, my poor brain still gets tripped up by this at moments...... )


not2fun

ps....DH, yes, WH's are weak.....but MOST men are when it comes to the power of sex.....it's biblically proven.....but it is very ENCOURAGING that you are seeking ways to understanding this and to not succumb to it again......thank you for your HONEST postings here....

pss.....

Pep,

At the risk of jacking your thread, but I see it is wandering around a lot anyway, you are missing the main issue. My main issue.

Ignoring for the moment participation on MB, I know a number of adulterers and adulteresses irl. Quite a few actually. And I can confidently say I would not trust any of them with my money. I don�t think any of them should be allowed to raise children, frankly. Not even their own.

I firmly believe every last one of them would do it again if they thought they would get away with it. They are all sociopaths in their unique way.

I make it a policy to stay away from them in general. I will not even allow them to work with me. Not even the currently non-active adulterers. They have already proven themselves. They failed the test. Who knows what they will do again? They are all archetype losers, really. And will be for all eternity.

And for the most part I see the exact same things here on MB re the adulterers I see irl.

But, now allow me to both paraphrase and contradict myself. I posted something to this effect a long time ago; more than once, actually:

There are some few adulterers who indeed simply tripped and fell. They were not watching where they were going and they stepped in a hole. These few adulterers are relatively easy to detect. The adultery did not last long � a couple of months if not just weeks. Most were ONS. Almost none were entangled affairs. They ended it quickly and climbed out of their hole pretty much by themselves. They spent no time digging the hole deeper. They admitted everything immediately. They spew no, as in none, lies and obfuscations. They are chock full of remorse and active atonement.

Indeed, there a few of these hapless adulterers here on MB. A few. Among all the so-called FWS here on MB there are a small few. But then a place like MB is where these few would be found isn�t it�

So, I do not think all adulterers are avatars of evil. Just all but a few unique ones.


Ok, so as to your original questions, I morphed my reply into how my wife answers the equivalent. But I forgot, I did mean to but didn�t have much time, to give OM�s answers to his BW. So here they are �

1. Did you want to end your A, but did not know how? - Yes but she would not let me.

2. Did you fear that if you "dumped" OW, she would expose the A? - Yes I was deathly afraid of exposure. I knew she would explode and even stalk both of us.

3. Did you hope OW would "dump" you? - All the time. From the very beginning. She would not leave me alone.

4. Were you somehow relieved once the whole thing was out in the open? - Yes. Except for the fear her husband (that would be me) would want some kind of revenge.

These were his answers to his BW. She told me. Sound like your H's? She wanted to start a harassment suit since they both work for the same company, though on different campuses. (He squashed that fast since he knew I had all 10 years of both their emails by then.)

OK, so pay attention here. His answers were all lies.

He pursued my wife during the VLTA as much as she pursued him. He in fact is the one who primarily kept it going. He is the one who almost always called her if they hadn�t seen each other for a month. When he wanted sex.

So, despite his answers to his BW, they were both equally active in the prosecution of the adultery - equal to six decimal places. Bottom line he, like all run of the mill adulterers, lied to his wife. I know this because I got very far into the affair and have (had, actually - I tossed it all a while ago - I no longer care) tons of their correspondence. He admitted all this, and much more, to my face when I confronted him with just part of the evidence. But, like every and all WH, when he thought he could get away with it he lied through his teeth. He lied then and he lies now.

Conclusion: A BW should never believe any WH answer to any of your questions. And by extension, a BH should never believe any WW answer to any similar question.

you are making this conclusion based one one experience with one WW, one BW, one BH and on WH...

I knew a women. Her husband cheated on her, was a drunk and beat her. Beat her into a coma - she had extensive facial reconstructive surgery. He went to jail for 20 years. She got a divorce, remarried. Her second husband dies of a heart attack. She meets 25 years later her former husband at a church conference. He is a changed man. They fall back in love and remarry. She is living out the rest of her life with the husband of her youth...a good and changed man.

I just proved your one case wrong with one case of my own.

my one story proves nothing...just like yours proves nothing except what happened with that group of people.

My point - a WH if on board with MB and remorseful - deserves a second chance.

I deserve a second chance
as do most of the WS on this board.

you would have to interview an extensive group of WS, their OM, their OMs Wives etc...and then corralate their answers...before you could say they all are that way.

I am not defending the actions in any way...i am just saying...some people trip in that hole and push themselves out, some people are users...and as different as the fingers are on your hand from each other - so to are the WW and WH and the cause of their stupidity and why they cheated.

You wont work with an adultrer - what about a person who was faithful to her husband for their whole marriage but was convicted of embezzlement...did time...reformed her life and then went looking for a job. would you hire that person? How about a person who used to gang bang and killed a kid or two...but now they have chnged their life and reformed.

Is the only sin you wont forgive the one commited against you?
What sins have you committed against others that you should be held accountable for?

Thank God I am not held accountable for my sins. This is why I must forgive others the trespasses against me...

Your wife sounds liek a user...a truelly selfish person. But do not judge all people by her actions. Give a those of us a chance who have been broken by our sins and put back together by christ...you may find yourself in the presence of not a pile of broken glass but a bautiful stained glass window....from destruction can come beauty....inside

Awesome, sister Reed!

You have mentioned this a great deal in the past, Aphelion. I can't help but wonder if you are drawn to these people in some way.

I, as a former adulterer, know very, very few adulterers IRL and associate with none. In the same way that I won't associate with people who drink.


It really rankles me when you say that I am an unfit parent. My kids are amazingly great specimens, both academically and personally, since you brought it up. They are well-adjusted, Eagle Scout, National Merit types. One is graduating college next month, and has a job waiting for her in the fall, and the other is a freshman on academic scholarship. My H's career made it possible for me to be a very involved parent. I think that we did a fine job raising them, and my H would be the first person to tell you that I had a greater direct influence on them day to day he did. As the family provider, his influence was indirect, but every bit as important.

And both of our children know of their mother's grand failing. I told them. So they have a great example of forgiveness in their father.


I don't feel the least bit uniquely sociopathic. I've had the opportunity to be unfaithful and probably be able to get away with it, both before and after Dday. It doesn't interest me any more than a line of cocaine would at this point, for the same reason. I know that it's no good for me and for those around me. The appeal factor is negative.

In general, but not specifically? As I said, you frequently mention how many adulterers you know IRL. And if you know that they are adulterers, you must be getting kind of close. In one post, you mentioned having a beer with one of them.


Prerogative of being the boss, I guess. Is it on the job application?


I don't think that MB is an accurate sampling of what you see IRL actually, but that is material for another post.

pk

Pepperband - i think he might be missing it

I sure wish the search routine worked better.

There is a post in a thread from a couple of months ago in which SH is quoted to say most people are nuts (my word, his was more pc) to try to recover after adultery. But that he is here for those that do want to try.

Can I say I am in some way supporting those BS that need the light of day shined on their situation up front so they don�t waste any more of their precious life?

Ok, Ok. I�ll go away. Again.

"You have mentioned this a great deal in the past, Aphelion. I can't help but wonder if you are drawn to these people in some way."

Oh come on. I am sure I only know the tip of the iceberg.

They are like cockroaches. They are everywhere. Just look around carefully.

They even run for president.

You havent sin - wow...I had no idea the second coming had alread occured! only one person hasnt sinned...and i dont think its you.

and Yes I am held accountable - there is an accounting - and then their is redemption as the price for the sins have already been paid in full. For all have sin and fallen short of the glory of God.

You are hurt horribly by your WW and for that I am sorry. It is evident that I am unlikely to change your mind on this topic. I need not debate with you the merits of my motherhood ability. Even in the deepest and greatest moments of pain my BH would say that I am a good mother and parent. Your opinion matters little. I felt compelled to respond because this is a public forum and despairing WW or WH may come along later and read your post and I had to offer the counter view point (more inline with Dr. Harleys philisophy). Had we been spekaing IRL - i would have just walked away from the topic as it would be a waste of breath. My response even now is not necessarily for you (wasted key strokes) but left as a record for those that come after us.

People can change
Dr. Harley can save marriages
WS do deserve the chance to save their marriage
BS can to save their marriage and forgive and rebuild
and while shakesphere believes that "the evil that men do live on after them - the good is oft intured with their bones" - I pray that this is not my story.

Lastly - who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of a wayward? - the FWS knows...why?
we have been there and we can help people stop it....

AMEN

SISTERREED