This is ALL VERY INTERESTING. Wow, Thanx DH for leading it in this direction. Now I see where Pep was going.

Both sets of Qs from BHs directed toward WW appear to be applicable to both WH and WW...

i think one good Q for a WW would be...did you cheat beacause you were unhappy with your H and your marriage...or yourself?

I think alot of women are ultimately unhappy with themselves. Now this may be that they are not getting their ENs met by a spouse but they dont attach it to the spouse. Even Drunk talking to OM i was talking about how I love my H but I didnt feel good enough for him...i wasnt thin enough or young enough)...i was the problem in my mind...not H. My H still does not believe me...he thinks I cheated because of something he lacked that I was seeking to obtain...when in truth it was something inside of me that was damaged. I thought I loved my H before I cheated, and while I cheated and after...I didnt think it had anything to do with H...I wasnt good enough for him and I just wanted someone to show me I was wanted. i of course was wrong...but thats what I was thinking.

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Gotcha.

Sugar, be thankful she was not a single OW. They are harder to get rid of than gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe!

Sorry pep I responded to the above poster who responed to another about FWW. My mistake.



This is a great idea BTW.. Hats off.

the phrase "Path of least resistance" fits perfectly for me. I never back down from challenges of work or task, even when I know there is a chance I may fail.

In the case of my A, maybe because of the circumstances, I knew that it had a already determined end, it was just easier to go with it.

That isn't an excuse for why the emails continued after I returned home. I think that at that point I turned it into a long distance friendship.

WH's (ecspecially me) are weak.

I would respectfully like to ask you if this is something you are working on? The "path of least resistance" part of my H's personality is very concerning for me. I truly believe he has no intention of EVER having another A. He has no real protective boundaries though and his tendency to take the easy way out of situations (even though he KNOWS it is not easy just makes things harder) means to me that he will eventually find himself in a potentially harmful position at some point again. So I wonder if someone like you that recognizes this in himself can/will work on changing it?

Someone wants my advise...reallY? I'm flattered faithful.

I think someone can recognize it. Let me give you an example that my or may not make sense to you but what I see in myself and are similiar in my head. As I think more about what I am going to write it probably won't. I'm not known for making sense. Anyway...

Example #1--I don't like to spend a lot of money on things that I think I can get a better deal on by doing it myself. Like fixing something...I have spent an entire day running back to the hardware store, messing around in the garage and standing back trying to picture something to save a few dollars because I think it would be easier then just spending the money for a new whatever (for example, the amount of time and money I have spent on trying to fix my grill instead of just buying a new one).

Example #2--I like to fish so I have several fishing rods. I have a lot of cheap rods and reels and if I break one or think I need another new one I will buy more cheap ones that I know won't last just so I don't feel guilty about spending more money on something that will last, is better quality and I wouldn't need as many of if I just bought better.

These examples are probably more material then the actual question but...

I know I do these things. I know they never work out. I usually don't like the result but for me they are easier.

As for changing it I think the 1st key is awareness. The 2nd is the realization that if you don't change it things will not get better and probably worse. And the 3rd, and hardest for me, is to make the actual change.

I hope this makes sense and I don't sound like an idiot.

Thanks Pepper.

I put in bold the parts the really click for me. Thank you! It makes perfect sense and no, you don't sound like an idiot. It is very hard to understand and get into my H's head. Most answers I get from him is "I don't know", so kudos for all this self examination you are doing!

My H openly admits to being "cheap". He will eat spoiled food rather than throw it away. Thankfully that trait kept him from spending money on his A, though of course we have CS for 18 years to pay. Oh well. He DOES see the correlation between the OC being conceived after our first DDay and his unwillingness to be the one doing the breaking up. He sees it because it costs him money every month for a child he didn't want. It also costs him his freedom because he is being a father to said child every weekend. Still, it doesn't seem to change his desire to take the easy way out. Very puzzling for me.

This is very true, Pep. My H is the hardest working man when he is at work. He will give all of himself and not take the easy way out when it comes to his customers. Unlike his co-worker who will "flashlight" inspections and write very brief reports, my H takes at least an hour to crawl a job and two hours to write a comprehensive report that includes details that are not part of his inspection but he observed. Subsequently, he sells far more jobs than anyone else in their company.

My WH is very successful at work, and he readily admits he would much rather focus on work than the mess he has made of his personal life. He acts almost paralyzed in this whole ordeal, unable to commit one way or the other.

Pep,

Don't you think these answers are dependent on how long the affair was?

Also, that MOST of these answers reflect on the condition of the WH's mind was at the end of the affair??

I have thought about this a lot and will be back on my train of thoughts this afternoon.....

Oh, and as far as we ALL being idiots.....speak for yourself, sasssypants!!!!!......

For the most part yes. The only person he easily says no to is me. When it comes to his mother, our daughter and still to some degree xOW he just draws a blank so does nothing.