|
|
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 55
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 55 |
i have been sitting here trying to write my letter and working out my plan b without falling apart....then i get a text saying "i do miss you" i relied asking whats wrong and he said he was very tearful and thinking about everyone he has hurt, then he rang me and said he dont know why he feels the way he does, he misses me so bad and thinks of me all day long, still crying - i said its a decision he can only make himself but i love him and he can come home, he didnt answer, i asked if he would go to counselling with me and he said he would have to think about that, he then said he thinks it is guilt that makes him feel this way ??? (is that a good or bad thing) he said she was on her way to his flat and she was staying overnight - the another call to say she was walking down the road so he cant ring me, but she has said she is not staying overnight because she has left some case papers at home that she needs for tomorrow, he said but thats not a problem for me and he will ring me as soon as she has gone ??????
should i put these comments in my letter or just leave it open and disappear ??
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
i have been sitting here trying to write my letter and working out my plan b without falling apart....then i get a text saying "i do miss you" i relied asking whats wrong and he said he was very tearful and thinking about everyone he has hurt, then he rang me and said he dont know why he feels the way he does, he misses me so bad and thinks of me all day long, still crying - i said its a decision he can only make himself but i love him and he can come home, he didnt answer, i asked if he would go to counselling with me and he said he would have to think about that, he then said he thinks it is guilt that makes him feel this way ??? (is that a good or bad thing) he said she was on her way to his flat and she was staying overnight - the another call to say she was walking down the road so he cant ring me, but she has said she is not staying overnight because she has left some case papers at home that she needs for tomorrow, he said but thats not a problem for me and he will ring me as soon as she has gone ??????
should i put these comments in my letter or just leave it open and disappear ?? He is negotiating with you. He wants to keep doing what he's been doing. Don't allow this, where. Your Plan B letter is to let him know that you will not permit this. Don't wander into a debate or a discussion about the OW. Yes, his guilt is causing him great conflict. Then he gets a little dose of you and feels better. That lasts for awhile, then the guilt/conflict sets back in. He'll ride this fence for as long as you let him.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895 |
Tell him point blank that it hurts you too much to be a part of this three way relationship and that you have to remove yourself from it. Do it in a kind and loving way. If he responds that he would like to come home, tell him that you do not care what anyone thinks about him coming home. The only thing that matters is the two of you but he must terninate his A with OW by writing her a NC (no contact letter) which you approve and mail. If he is unwilling to do that, you give him the Plan b letter and remove yourself from the situation.
HE WILL DO THIS AS LONG AS YOU ALLOW HIM TO!!!!! I would try this first but you are deffinately ready for Plan B IMHO. You have progressed to Plan doormat and it is time for him to face life without you. The 56 missed calls while you were out Saturday shows a bizzare dependency on you to be there for him while he boinks OW whenever she is available and on her terms. God's Blessings, Say Once again, Where. I would trythis to let him know that you are no longer willing to participate in his adulterous behavior. If he does not agree to a NC letter and counseling and STD tests....GO DARK!!! God's Blessings, Say
Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,903
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,903 |
Post your Plan B letter here before you give it to him. Do you have an intermediary set up?
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 67
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 67 |
I hope you get busy writing your Plan B letter.
When she gets tired of using him as her 2-3 times per week Boy Toy, he will be knocking on your door. If you decide you still want him at that time, PLEASE make him see a doctor before you will let him get anywhere near you. Yellow eyes, weight loss, and extreme tiredness are all symptoms of various things but a PRIME SUSPECT is Hepatitis C. This awful virus is normally transmitted through sex and IV drug use. If he has caught it from her, he can give it to you. There is no cure. There is treatment that can keep you alive but the physical pain that flairs up repeatedly makes some people decide that life is not worth sticking around.
The way she keeps him away from many parts of her life and the appearance that he might have Hep C makes it look to me like she might have a lot of men out there she is screwing around with. If this is true and if she did catch and is now passing around Hep C, she could also be passing around other things like HIV and some of the lesser evils.
Since you are still talking to him (though I wish you wouldn't), ask him if she also has yellow eyes.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
i have been sitting here trying to write my letter and working out my plan b without falling apart....then i get a text saying "i do miss you" i relied asking whats wrong and he said he was very tearful and thinking about everyone he has hurt, then he rang me and said he dont know why he feels the way he does, he misses me so bad and thinks of me all day long, still crying - i said its a decision he can only make himself but i love him and he can come home, he didnt answer, i asked if he would go to counselling with me and he said he would have to think about that, he then said he thinks it is guilt that makes him feel this way ??? (is that a good or bad thing) he said she was on her way to his flat and she was staying overnight - the another call to say she was walking down the road so he cant ring me, but she has said she is not staying overnight because she has left some case papers at home that she needs for tomorrow, he said but thats not a problem for me and he will ring me as soon as she has gone ??????
should i put these comments in my letter or just leave it open and disappear ?? where, this is pretty bad.  I would get that letter written and go into Plan B ASAP. Your H is very, very flagrant and abusive. He will drag you right down to a nervous breakdown if you don't shut this door ASAP. Do you have an intermediary set up who can screen any contact? I would not have any more discussions with him, just leave him a Plan B letter and be done with this. Additionally, I would send the OW a copy of your letter with a note on it patterned after the note on pg 81 in SAA: "I love Sue with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for her to give me that chance." Here is a thread I made with my notes about the job of an intermediary: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=157563&Number=2264548#Post2264548
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895 |
Where??? You need to be here working on a Plan-B letter.
God's Blessings,
Say
Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 55
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 55 |
well my friends, we now have a spanner in the works
i sat for a couple of days re writing my NC letter over and over just trying to get it straight in my head, then i got a phone call from WS which was completely garbaled and hysterical, i panicked and went to his flat, where i discovered that he had totally mentally and emotionally broken down, and was begging me to help him and to bring him home etc etc, i did this and arranged an immediate doctors visit, the doctor spoke with him at length with me there, he was saying how much he loved me and what he had done etc etc, but didnt know how the ow felt etc, it was all so jumbled up - the doctor diagnosed severe depression and arranged medication, yesterday WH refused to speak or see anyone else but me and even begged me to answer hsi phone to OW, whichi did and explained the situation to her, she just said its fine with her if he stays with me but to tell him he knows where she is if he wants her - now today he does not love me anymore, he is sorry etc and he has spoken to her and told her about the doctor etc, then told her he didnt want to talk anymore and put the phone down - but he is checking her face book every hour, but then asking me never to desert him, he is so confused and scared, he thought it would all be so different with her and cant understand why she is like she is and he loves her, and loves me as a friend but never as we once were.....he is now asleep in my bed but says he is going to his flat tomorrow -
help
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 738
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 738 |
Wow. I just started reading this thread.
My opinion (and again, I could be completely off base here, I am new at this): Call the doctor again. If necessary get your husband admitted. Then go dark.
People always say having an A is like an addiction. This proves it. He could be on heroin with this behaviour.
Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10
Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10
Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012
Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895 |
Go very dark, Where. Don't let him continue to do this to you. Let him see what it is like without you. Show him what needs she is willing to fill for him. You have no children together so you will not need to speak with him at all. Outline your financial expectations in your Plan-B letter. MAIL it to him. Do not see or speak to him again. That is your only chance.
God's Blessings,
Say
Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895 |
Where, you really need to be here. Please let us know what is happening in the UK this morning. Your WH needs to go back to his own place and you need to post a draft of your Plan-B letter and let the vets here help you with it.
On reading back through your thread, it appears that you have your finances taken care of with him. Can you go to stay with family for a few days? Change your locks and go dark. At this point it is self preservation for you.
God's blessings,
Say
Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 895 |
Bump! Where, oh where is Where!!!
God's Blessings,
Say
Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 55
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 55 |
i'm here say - whose idea was it to go and see friends !!!!!!
i took your advice and thought i would pop over to spain and see a couple of friends THEN came face to face with a volcano and no blooming flights home
well them phone was full of calls etc etc, on my arrival home this morning and spoke to him, i explained my feelings right to my soul and have asked him to come home and work it all out and said that ow must be gone for anything further to happen between us, including being friends - he said he has to have a good think now and will come to the house tomorrow and talk about it.
he called me again about an hour ago and said not to get upset but ow was going to his flat and he would call me when she had gone
he still said about us being best friends etc etc, so i does not look very good from here but if he says no i will def cut it all dead, i am now so emotionally low and fell utterly helpless.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
1 members (Brutalll),
159
guests, and
68
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,622
Posts2,323,491
Members71,964
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
