Yes, all you have to do is outlast the A, work the MB program so you don't lose your love for your spouse, and don't worry about the rest.

Right, easier said than done though right?

I have been sticking to plan A. I texted him once today, all good stuff...haven't been lovebusting or anything. He said he would call today but of course he didn't. He is very withdrawn. I try not to think about what he's doing but I still do. It is hard not to. Especially what he is doing when he's with her. But I suppose I'll find all of that out when we go to recovery. I shouldn't think about it right now but like I said, it's real hard.

I am getting stuff ready for the baby so that has helped a bit in keeping me busy. That and being around family and friends from church has helped too. I have a lot of support and lot of prayer for myself and my WH.

I'm so happy you have family and friends from church to go to for support. Prayer definately helps.

What smiley said, plus:

Yes, feelings are always real, but the reasons for the feelings may or may not be real depending on the context. For example, in your case, I don't think the feelings for Vampira will last past husband's wake up call. He will learn about infatuations the hard way. Last time I got hit with an infatuation, it was with a Vampira type. It took me about six weeks to pull my head out and go Uh oh!

I pulled the plug on that one immediately. And I have never looked back and I have no fond memories of the feelings because those feelings were built on a foundation of lies, both the ones that were told to me and the ones I told myself.

Larry

I just peeked in to say I am rooting for you too Tink

Have you read the articles on the website? Have you ordered a copy of Surviving an Affair? Some of your questions are pretty basic, and some of your logic is circular which makes me think you are not reading the Harley's articles and are not really taking in the advice here...

Hi TB81,

Just came across your post and wanted to offer support. I don't have much advice to give.....my situation is eerily similar to yours (pregnant, 28yr old husband had affair with woman about 40 yrs old, still puts her on a pedestal and blames me for everything....only difference is she's married with kids, and his reasons for resenting me is that he feels I put my bio family above him and make him feel unloved/unrespected).

But, I wanted to say I am praying for you. *hugs*

I have been reading the articles, I haven't gotten through all of them. I went through the basic concepts and the surviving infidelity. I have not read the book yet, I had to use all of my money on bills and stuff for the boys. I haven't asked my parents for any money to buy it but I should. I just felt bad b/c they have done so much already but really, the book doesn't cost that much and I really need to read it. So that is my poor excuse.

Hmm, I see. So of coures the feelings are real, but since they are started in adultery this makes it a foundation of lies. Therefore these feelings they have, or the "infatuation" they feel is flat out wrong, although to them it is okay because they have rationlized it all. This is so strange to me because I've never had feelings or infatuation for another man besides my husband. In fact, I never felt true infatuation or feelings of "love" with anyone before him either, atleast not to the extent that I did with my husband. I definitely know that I am capable of doing something like that, of allowing myself to be infatuated...but since I know this I feel I am better equipped to protect myself from such an evil as adultery. Plus, learning from past mistakes, obviously.

So this "wake up" call, I really hope it comes soon. What was it for you during this last "infatuation" that caused you to stop? I have been praying for something to happen that will open my WH's eyes to what he is really doing.

Also, the update on him is that he did call me late last night. At first it was a little awkward but then we got to talking and he was even mentioning and talking about funny stuff that happened during our dating years and early in our marriage. He said that he missed me, which he hadn't been saying at all before..maybe once through a text. Someone on here told me that I would know if he was drifting back towards me or further away. The conversation last night led me to believe that he is perhaps drifting back towards me and starting to remember that our marriage wasn't all bad and that we had a good connection when we really put in our best effort.

Thank you!

been reading along but never had something to say that was better than what was being offered.

My mother taught me that feelings or the "feeling of love" is actually a symptom of doing loving actions.

once the actions stop - the "feeling" fades.

You dont fall in love
you dont fall out of love

you stop doing loving things for a person - and stop loving them
you begin doing loving things and then you love them.


its not like you are walking along, trip and OOOPS i fell in love...sorry hunny.

Love is an action - not an emotion. in my opinion.

Now the WH is no longer doing loving thing for OW - it should fade.

Note - a person can short circuit the above process...WS and BS alike...

A WS CAN keep past positive actions alive by reliving them - and trick yourself into thinking your feeling love...but your not...thats a fogged WS

So to - a BS can relive and keep the anger and hurt alive until it ruins their life...but if the WS is not doing those actions anymore..then the memories or false...not real and will mess you up from where you should be.


its like - a person with lost limb who thinks they can still feel the hand...a ghost limb. Its not real...its not there and if you spend to much to concetrating on the ghost limb...the rest of you wastes away and you lose all.

hopefully your WH will realize the OW is not real anymore...and concentrate on what is real..YOU

tink,

Once you understand some of where he is coming from - that is, that his betrayal is HIS, that should help you fight the affair.

First, you can stop OWNING IT. It isn't yours. This should help you focus where you need to focus. When he starts in with the blameshifting - you can legitimately stop him with the reality that you know to be true. Now that you can see it, and you have some beginning of understanding of what is going on in his head, you CAN fight this mindset. Because you KNOW that when he is blaming you it is his attempt to justify what HE KNOWS TO BE THE MORALLY WRONG CHOICE ON HIS PART.

Use that information.

When he says to you, "I am confused," you can respond, "I hear you saying you are confused. I understand that you would be confused when you are making a choice to have an affair, and that goes against your morals and values. It also confuses me."

OR

"I am confused", You could say, "I understand that you feel confused. I have wondered if your confusion is seated in the fact that you are going against what you know to be the right thing to do?"


When he brings up your past, and the issue he talks about with your lying and his idea that the marriage is "invalid":

"It is true that I had lied in the past. I made major changes in my life and within myself in order to protect our marriage from any possible repeat of my poor behavior. You, however, are not on that path. Your affair is not, and never has been, about ME."


Make sure that when he deflects HIS CHOICE for the affair onto you -

no matter how he does it


that you return it to HIM.


for example, he cites your weakness in listening:
"Perhaps I do have a weakness in listening. I can and probably should work on that. I don't believe that any prudent adult would respond to a spouse's weakness in listening with an affair, however, and I do not accept this as justification or blame on my behalf for your choice to have an affair. Don't you agree that we might have been much better off just talking about this? Perhaps some counseling?



You get the idea. Do not accept his "justification", because it is a tactic to get you on the defensive. Instead, turn it back to HIS CHOICE.

Yes, I am a poor listener. I can work on that...doesn't justify your affair, and I didn't make YOUR CHOICE for you. Let's focus there.

Yes, I didn't give you enough sex. I can work on that...doesn't justify your choice and we could have talked about this more reasonably .....

Yes, I lied about sexual experiences before we were married. I was wrong about that. You know that the two of us have worked on our marriage since then, we have conceived a child together and that my changes have been major. We could have worked on things, yet you have chosen to have an affair. I don't accept the blame for that - you had many other options. Your change of heart didn't come until after you met your OW, and we can still talk about things - but your choice was, and still is that - your choice.

Thank you for the ideas SB. I will be ready to deal with his justifications and blameshifting now that I have some ideas of what to say back.

I have not mentioned the OW at all for the past week. He has not said anything to justify what he's doing for the past week and a half. I would like to keep it that way. I don't want to talk about vampira or his A with her at this point. If he brings up anything then I will use what you told me and put it back on him.

When he comes back for the birth how should I go about the discussion we need to have? I'm not sure what I should say or what I shouldn't say when we talk about where we go from here. Should I leave it all to him? Or should I just flat out tell him that if he's not willing to commit to our M and get into counseling then we will have to be separated? Then give him the plan B letter?

SisterReed-

I understand that love is an action and that feelings follow. But in the beginning of a R isn't it the other way around? There is the infatuation that people have and they think this is love so then they are doing "loving" things for the other person and feel "love". Then after they've been together for awhile the feelings fade and they have to start doing the loving actions in order to "feel" the love, right?

I am wondering what you meant by this:

A WS CAN keep past positive actions alive by reliving them - and trick yourself into thinking your feeling love...but your not...thats a fogged WS

Are you talking about me being tricked into feeling love? Or him being tricked with the OW? I was just a little confused.

Also, any ideas (besides what I already know for plan A) about what I can do when he comes back for the birth? I want to have a talk with him about all of this. Wondering what I should stay away from and what I should concentrate on when we talk. Before if I ever brought up what he was doing was wrong he would become livid and then start with the blame game and all that. He still of course denies an A and I am going to bet that he is still denying it when he comes back to see the baby. I am wondering how I can handle that. I really do not want to have to go to plan B. I was hoping with him coming back and being with his boys and the new baby, plus my family that he would someone get his head cleared to the point where he will work things out with me, his WIFE.

SR-

Just to clarify what I said to you in the last reply...I had mentioned how I would tell him that his A is wrong and to stop doing it. I would bring up our R and talk about our M. This was before I found MB. I was doing everything wrong. At first I cried, I asked why would he do this, I asked him not to leave me (but didn't get to the point of begging). Then I tried the ultimatum. He would get mad. Then blame me and I would be so beat down b/c I thought since he was bringing up real stuff from our past and things I had done that it was indeed my fault that he felt this way. It was horrid. I lived like that for 6-7 weeks.

Any time I told him that his A was wrong he would go on the defensive of course. And the whole time say it wasn't an A. He actually said he was "incapable" of having an A because of how he felt and viewed our M as being possibly "invalid". That is a very, very scary mindset. Plus using God to justify himself....by saying maybe God thinks our M is invalid. That is just really bold to do that.

But anyway, those were the mistakes I was making. I'm not sure how I should approach him when he is here for the birth or shortly thereafter. I don't want to go back to where he is becoming a rabid beast who is so arrogant and full of pride that you can't even talk rationally with them. While being in plan A for the past 2 weeks and not mentioning our R and things like that it has been going as good as it can I guess. I don't mention the A or the vampira. I just don't want him becoming unglued. He doesn't mention it either.

When SR talked about the WS reliving the events, I think (she can correct me) she was talking about the wayward rehashing the A over and over in their minds to "keep it alive." I did that some...yuk.

I am not sure what to recommend about talking with him when he comes for the birth. I hate for anything to happen that will upset you, but then again, him holding HIS baby might be the perfect time, his heart may be softer. I do hope that things go well with your birth nad your health. I miss having babies. It's such a miracle.

thats right lur - thats what i ment.

Also - if he is a WH that is fogged but not a compulsive user type WH - then the baby, the family is the perfect time to Plan A and shower love. His father/protector/provider should kick in. Do everything you do as an example of love. Make everything an act of love. I have learned to make all my actions an act of love and devotion to GOD...that means if my BH doesnt return it...I am still filled with love.

I am sorry this time of great joy is dimmed by the wayward behavior of your H> you are about to give birth my friend. To a beautiful baby. Hold it and shower love on it...and your family. THe amazing event I open will enable your H to bring you two closure. I have talked many women through drug free natural birth. I find often stess and fear can intesfy the pain. As you approach this amazing event ...this I can give advice on - I am not a BW and the rest of the gang advising you might be better on how to defof a wayward H...but child birth ...this i know

your body is about to do something amazing - and what it is ment to do. Dont fight it (I know you have had kids before but not while under the added pressure of a wayward H)...concentrate on your purpose...to bring your baby into the world.
A contraction has a purpose beyound pain...it is muscles working as they should to open the door so that your baby might be born. With each tightening it brings you closer to holding your baby in your arms. Breath Relax, Aim, Stop and Shoot I often say. Breath and focus on holding yoru baby...relax and let the contraction do its job. Imagine your baby in your arms, its soft warm head nuzzled under your chin, nuzzling to nurse. The amazing things your body can do. Work with your body and not against it. Do not allow thoughts that are harmful to enter the process. You and your baby. Giving birth, bringing forth life. You are amazing...you can do this. Do not focus on H right now. I know his behavior hurts but right now...its you and your baby.



But you need to find a way to focus on something simple. What is your bodys purpose.
What are you doing, breathing, focus on the work you are about to do. when you begin labor do not think beyound the single contraction - this one right now is bringing your baby closer to you.

Dont think of if this will bring your H back to you as this takes away from the beauty of the birth.

You are going to hold your baby in your arms ..you are going to bring life into this world...you are a mother...you are amazing...

My thoughts on what to do

If he comes back to Iowa for the birth, enjoy the time together to the utmost and be loving and tell him at the proper juncture that he needs to stay and build a life with you and the family in Iowa. A thriving marriage and career there. Or, he needs to brainstorm with you on an alternative place to build a future.

Tell him California is too upsetting to you due to issues with it.

If he goes back to California, you have the Plan B letter to give to him as he leaves. YOu don't warn him about plan B. You just give him the beautiful love letter as he goes. It will tell him how much you love him and want a future with him once he decides on a future with you.

If he stays in Iowa and doesn't go back to California, you may be able to skip plan B. He would not be able to stay in contact with OW but you would need to address that as a factor that must be part of the future of the family.

Be prepared for plan B. It would be very nice if plan A were enough and the birth were enough but I would not count on it.

Enjoy your plan A talks with him and hopefully he will come home for the birth.

If he doesn't......you stay in plan A until you decide to mail the plan B letter to him and go dark. Super dark. Darker than the moonless night sky. I am in that place right now and after about six months, I personally kind of like it. The initial darkness is rough but once you go truly dark, that disapates and there is a good life. Life without a wayward is okay. If they ever work though their issues and come back to the fold, Yay! If not....well....okay.

Chin up for now and enjoy plan A-ing!

Thank you all on your thoughts about the upcoming birth and how I should deal with my WH.

SR-thank you especially for the advice on what to do during the birth since most likely my WH won't make it in time for that. I am already getting excited about the birth and the whole process. It will be bittersweet obviously b/c my once loving H is not here right now, but nevertheless I will bring my baby here as safely as I can. My mother and two very close friends will be there to support me along with my midwife. I am very excited.

My WH will have to go back to CA even if he decides to stay in Iowa with us or move somewhere else b/c all of our stuff is there. I assume he would have to work two more weeks so he won't have a bad relationship with his managers when he leaves, I can understand that. He would then need to get a U-Haul and bring all of our belongings back. Hopefully if this is the case one of my family members or a close friend can help him. I am optimistic about the future. God has strengthened me a lot throughout the past 2 weeks and you all have helped as well. I intercede for my WH EVERYDAY. There is nothing like the prayers of a wife. I am still his flesh whether he realizes it or not. And only I can pray for him like no other could. Thank you all for your support. You have been angels to me.

SR-

I am going to deliver naturally with no drugs! I am determined! My last two I had IV drugs when I was at about 6cm. They helped somewhat but not really. And I don't want the drugs affecting this baby. I was worried with the last two and I wish I wouldn't have gotten the drugs but I had no real support from a woman and my H was great but he didn't really know how to help me the whole time. This time around I am better prepared! Thanks!