What is he so angry about?

Hi! He's not talking to me at all, so I don't know.

I've already mentioned that I think is my IB's, based on the fact that he told me that he had nothing else to say to me because I do whatever I want anyway! Other than that, I don't know. But he sure is driving me nuts.

I just don't know, I hope he goes to work this week, or I'll leave home early in the morning and come back at night w/ my DD's. He stayed home last week, ignoring me, it was a very tense atmosphere, I can't take that anymore.

ok, what did you do to tick him off?? If you are engaging in IB, the solution is to knock it off and tell him you are sorry. The solution is NOT to pitch a fit and threaten to leave him.

Good grief, Rizos! Are you Irish? Don't make the problem WORSE by escalating it. If you have hurt him, then stop hurting him and try to undo the damage.

Why dont you start by going to him first and telling him you are sorry for your IB. Ask him to tell you what is upsetting him and when he answers DON'T FIGHT WITH HIM. Just be humble and PLEDGE to do better in the future.

I believed that he thinks that all the things I do are to make him unhappy on purpose!!! But of course, it's not the intention, but the perception what counts. I'm not in WAR w/ him, but he sure has demonstrated me during the last week, that he is indeed in WAR against me.

I don't think he'll give me another chance. He's probably still home to be w/ our DD's. I'll ask the lawyer, if I can sign a paper to take full responsibility for him leaving home. And been clear that he didn't abandoned us, that I was the one who requested him to leave. Maybe he is waiting for me to do that, I don't know.

I'm so sorry to thread jack, but

Mel! You crack me up!

I have been avoiding to tell him that I want him to leave, so that he can not say that that's my only solution to our problems. So, I haven't done that YET.

I've already said that I was sorry, but like I told you, he says that he doesn't believes me anymore. And he told me to call Steve. I've been trying to talk to him, I've offered him food, clean his clothes just play it nice, but he keeps his stupid attitude. I have an appointment w/ Sandy on Wednesday, but I don't see what difference it will made, if anytime he gets upset, he just cut me off.

I didn't understand the Irish thing!!! but it did made me laugh.

Rizos, why don't you send Sandy an email now and ask her to call you Monday morning first thing?

As a part Irish person, I can attest to the fact that we have hot tempers and tend to ESCALATE problems rather than solve them. Irish people are crazy, in other words. I noticed you Hispanic folk have alot of Irish in you too.

Mel, I found a portrait of you:

Rizos: I am infuriated. You come here, professing that you want to save your marriage, receiving extremely valuable time and input from some of the best, and what do you do? You give up, throwing a temper tantrum because it's too hard.

You know what's hard? Your BH having to look at you, the one person who was supposed to protect and cherish him, and who instead threw him under the bus. Then got in the bus and drove it over him. Repeatedly. Then, when you were done with that, you left him bleeding in the street while you went on your merry way in Affairland.

You know what's hard? Your BH even sticking around and wanting to attempt recovery.

You have been in this process long enough that you should have grown up, become humble, and become at least somewhat empathetic to your BH and the situation YOU put him in. He did not ask for this. Your DDs did not ask for this.

Here's what you wrote:


I deleted 2.5 paragraphs after that because what you said following doesn't matter. As soon as you say "but," you negate everything that came before it. And in the instance of recovery, it doesn't matter what comes after it.

It's whatever it takes for as long as it takes. As Mel suggested, you need to be humble and, in my words, suck it up. Become a better person from this. Don't remain a temper tantrum-throwing little toddler, some entitled girl who just gives up and throws her DDs and BH under the bus AGAIN because recovery is too hard.

*********
/rant

I'm not saying ElC is a saint. I'm not saying he doesn't have his own issues to worry about. What I am saying is that you did this, and if you have any hope of being a better person, overcoming your infidelity, and even attempting recovery, you need to start taking care of your side of the street and going all in with an open heart, empathy, and humility.

I will leave this to the vets. Just thought I'd let you in on that rant - maybe it will wake you up a bit.

The first thing is that he doesn't have to leave his home. That is his house too so it is not right to ask him to leave because you are having a meltdown. He would be nuts to do that. Don't be saying that to him, Rizos, you will be making the problem worse.

Secondly, I am also guilty of independent behavior and I used to excuse it by saying "I didn't know you cared if I did that!!" yeah right, what a load of crap.

The principle is NEVER DO ANYTHING WITHOUT THE ENTHUSASTIC AGREEMENT OF YOUR SPOUSE. If you just follow that simple principle then you wont' have a problem.

Your independent behavior triggered his withdrawal, Rizos, and that is the bottom line.

The truth is that we Independent Behavior princesses [and I am one!!] believe we are ENTITLED to do what we want when we want no matter who it hurts. And then we cry "I didn't mean to make him upset!!" When we get nailed with an angry outburst THAT WE TRIGGERED.

So, don't make it worse by playing the victim and don't do anything destructive like telling him to leave! Kicking the man out when his feelings are hurt will really make this worse!!

I'm back... I had to make lunch for my DD's, the good thing is that I don't have to make lunch for BH, because he doesn't want to.

You guys are right, I'm the one who did this to HIM, so I should take his crap. I'll stop complaining. I have a meeting w/ Sandy on Wednesday. Hopefully he'll leave for work on Monday, and I won't have to see his face all day.

And BTW, another thing that we latinos have in common w/ the Irish is that they do like to drink and party hard too!!!!

Okay, he's upset about something you are doing, probably something he's asked you about before and feels like he didn't get through to you.

He doesn't feel safe telling you about it, perhaps because he fears he will get mad if he tries again, since there's a history of telling you before and him not getting through to you (frustration), or perhaps because he fears you will abuse him (angry outbursts, etc.) in response when he tells you.

So, he's proposed a SAFE way to get this vital information to you: for you to contact Steve Harley. He knows this is safe, and I'll bet you know this is safe, too.

But you don't want to do this, for some reason.

If your next step is not to contact Steve Harley, then your next step should be to propose to him some other safe way for him to get this VITAL information to you. What would you suggest, if, for some reason, you are not willing to call Steve?

You say you are not at war with him, but you are contacting a lawyer. I don't get it. That sounds like war, to me. A completely unprovoked attack. Calm down and put the weapons away, and take the next step, the next peaceful step, to see if this can be resolved.

Hi! Markos,

I've already setup an appointment w/ Sandy. I contacted her today, but she was busy. Although I don't see the point, unless he calls them too. He is the one who needs to tell me what is wrong. He wants me to be open and honest, but he is not. I can call God for what is worth and it won't make any difference if he doesn't believe in me anymore. I'll say he quit already. Right now, I don't even know where he is. Hopefully I'll be asleep by the time he comes back.

I am not perfect, I will make mistakes, and if he can not accept that, then this relationship is not going to work. He wants me to be perfect ALL the time, and if I make a mistake he explodes! He is lucky that I've been keeping my cool, even though every time I try to get to him, he explodes.

What can Sandy, Steve or anybody tell me? To tell him that I'm sorry, that this time I'll be perfect and won't make any mistakes? I don't know what he wants, I'm home right next to him!!!

I don't know what does he wants... Hopefully he'll finally go to work, and leave me alone. This is a lot of stress for both of us, and he is wasting our time ignoring me. There's so much that we could have done last week!!!

Tell Sandy what is wrong and let her talk to him and give you suggestions.



Ya know, if you are engaging in independent behavior, it wasn't a "mistake," Rizos!! You did it on purpose. What did you do?? Don't be crazy irish! That "I am not perfect" excuse is just a rationalization for bad behavior. I know this because I have used it so many times myself.

Rizos, we could be related, ya know.... My great grandfather from Ireland descended from the Spanish Armada. Crazy Irish meet crazy Latina!

HAHAHAHAHA You are killing me MelodyLane!!!!!! LOL

I am not doing it on purpose, I don't understand what is his problem. I have always been independent, and he loved it. It is hard to become a zero to the left now. It just takes time.

I know, blablablabla.....

Rizos -

I don't think this is about "shutting up and taking his crap." I think this is more about a fundamental change in your thinking - especially when it comes to how you operate in a relationship and how you do (or don't) create an environment of care and protection w/in your marriage.

I suspect THIS is what ElC is having a problem with. You say what more does he want? I'm right here, it's not like I'm having an affair! I'm sorry, but it takes far more than just not having an affair to recover from one.

It is absolutely imperative that you approach this as a real marathon, and the most grueling parts are here at the beginning. Instead of flaring up and being angry at ElC, stop and examine yourself first. Be open and honest with yourself, and commit to being a better you. Be humble, be empathetic, be remorseful.

A BS needs these things as a minimum, and even then there's no guarantee a M will survive infidelity. But it stands a heck of a lot better chance than when you pitch a fit, engage in IB/LBs, and otherwise refuse to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes.

Please think about this. I feel you guys can save this, you just need to get off on the right foot.