How do you show the affection your husband needs after you find out about the affair. I feel like he doesn't deserve my affection or my time trying to get advice. But look at me, I found this web site and I have read many things on it. Shouldn't he be checking out books or talking to someone about how he needs to change and how he messed up. I feel like I am trying to fix this whole problem. He is being nice and saying sorry, but I feel like that isn't enough. I feel that he owes me the world for all the lies and hurt he has caused me. I know he can't take it back, but I keep thinking he has to do something to make it all better. But then it seems like I have to change, but it is so hard after what is has done. Do I just fake the affection and them eventually I will want to give it to him? I want it from him, but I don't want to return the affection bc I feel like he will think it is all better now. I want him to realize that this is nothing small and this was a huge deal that I will not put up with again.

Welcome to Marriage Builders! Have you read the Basic Concepts and Q&A Columns on here, including how to survive infidelity?

It is usually the case that the BS (betrayed spouse) has to do the heavy lifting at first. Yes, it sucks. But someone has to take that first step and the WS isn't interested. It's the nature of an affair. They (WS) are literally impacted with a chemical reaction as if they were addicted to drugs. Expecting him to jump in and get busy while he's withdrawing from an addiction is unrealistic.

Read the Basic Concepts (link at top and bottom of page) and the Q&A Columns. Ask about anything you don't understand. Post frequently and you will get more responses that are better suited to your situation.

How long have you been married?
Any kids? Ages?
When did you find out about the affair?
How did you find out?
How did it end?
Are you sure it's over? Why?
Who knows about the affair?

Inhopes-

welcome to MB! You will find a lot of great help and resources here, be willing to listen.

We definitely need more of your story in order to give you help and guidence. Take some time to answer turtleheads' questions.

As for affection, I'd say start slow. I know I kept a special place in my heart for my H, even while I was being mentially tortured with the affair in my face and divorce looming. When my H came crawling back (almost literally) I looked to that spot for affection for him. It'll take time and you'll want to throw in the towel some days but keep it up.

Have you read surviving an affair? If not go and get a copy, trust me well worth the insights I learned.

Welcome and hugs, cause everyone dealing with this crap needs hugs...

My story is long so I might leave out alot bc it's hard to type with a 2 year old demanding my attention. I met my husband in high school. We have been together since I was 16, and I am now 30. He joined the military and I started college in the beginning of our marraige. Times were good back then, but when he got out of the army 7 years ago things started going down hill. He was using cocaine behind my back. I had no clue untill his addiction over took him. He was not coming home, saying he was going to the store and would be gone for hours. He acted really wierd after being on drugs for a while. He could no longer hide it because he acted like a total freak. I went through infertility during this time. All I wanted was a baby, and he was out doing drugs. We were seeing a fertility Dr. and I was going to appointments by myself in Savannah which is an hour and a half away. So I hated my husband because of the drugs, lies, and not doing everything in his power to have a baby. He said he wanted a baby, but he was too addicted to drugs to want anything but the drug. So I learned to hate him. It became very normal not to show affection because i hated him. I felt i was doing enough by just putting up with his [censored]. Finally he admitted that he had a drug problem so he went to rehab for 7 months. My daughter was 4 months old when he left. I have a full time job and had to take care of a new born. I talked to him on the phone while he was gone. When he returned he thought that everything should be perfect, but I was not able to act like he didn't screw me over for years. So it was still hard to show him affection. He was texting this girl, but I caught it so soon that nothing happened, but I still felt that he was cheating in a way. They hung out but did not have sex. I wasn't able to let that go so I continued to show no affection. I was improving a little. I saw my progress, but he said he had no clue. So he started seeing this other girl he met at a bar watching football on Sundays. He claimed that he was just hanging out with the guys and it was innocent. Well he saw her in his secret life for about 3 months. He decided to end it, and that pissed her off. She supposely thought he was going through a divorce. He never told her any different when he broke it off with her. He said he was afraid that she would tell me since she was pissed at him. The affair had been over for about 4 months and then I found out about it. I was at McDonalds with daughter. I said her name out loud. She doesn't have a common name, so the girl my husband was seeing heard me say her name aloud. Then she said are you Jason's wife? I said yes. "Well you need to tell him to come get his [censored] from my house that has been there for months. I was like what??? So I asked for all the details and then I went home and confronted him. He admitted to it all. He said he was going to tell me in the future. His sponsor told him he should hold off on telling me untill we were doing good for a while. So that is my story. I know I left out alot because it has been 7 years of bad/ok times. He claims all he wants is me but he liked the attention from the girl. He said it had nothing to do with her looks etc... Which I do think I look way better than her anyway. So the affair happened bc i couldn't give him love and affection. He didn't give me enough time to heal. He gave up on me. So now I don't really even think about the drug drama. It's all about the cheating now. It has just been lies after lies so how can you expect someone to forgive and get over stuff- ( drugs, secret credit cards, secret phones, cheating etc...) There was no time to heal- one thing kept exploding after the next!! I found out about the cheating 3 weeks ago. He is still living at the house. We talk, but I don't show him affection-HOW CAN I??????? I STILL WANT HIM TO TELL ME THAT HE LOVES ME THOUGH. IT IS A BIG MESS.

So sorry you have gone through all of this. It sounds like it has been a nightmare.

Have you been to Narcanon or whatever it is called? The program for families of addicts. Because the problem you are having is very common. The addict or alcoholic gets clean and sober and expects the spouse not to have feelings of resentment.

How long has he been clean?

Also how is he as a husband/father NOW?

wow, inhopes, you've been through a ton... I want to reach through my computer screen and hug you....

He has been clean from cocaine about a year and a half. He was getting better as a husband and father. He started working his program a lot after he ended the affair that I had no clue about. He goes to meetings Mon through Thurs. each night. So I did noticed a cahnge in him, but did not know that he had an affair. I thought we were doing better bc I actually thought in my head I love him, but could not say it aloud yet. I only say it aloud if he tells me first. So finding out about the affair has set me back from the progress I was making. No i haven't been to any meetings, but I have heard about them.

You really need to go. They really, really help.

But you have suffered a double hit - the affair on top of the addiction. Recovery is going to be very hard, but probably not as hard as all of the stuff you have been through already.

Is he sorry about the affair, does he SHOW you by his actions that he deeply regrets it, or is he still justifying it?

He says he sorry almost daily since I found out. He texts me every day while I'm at work saying I hope you have a good day and that he loves me. I just don't know if he is just doing it to get me through this? Is he going to continue? This just might be because it is in the beginning of me finding out. He says there is no excuse for what he has done and that he can not change the past but he can control the future. I still have a big problem though. How can I show him affection right now? But if I don't he will be developing all those inner thoughts as before. He may not cheat right away, but he will have negative thoughts. Do I just try even though I don't want to? It's like I want him to have to wait. He comes up to me and kisses me bye or lays beside me in the bed. I don't push him away. I let him do it, but I just lay there. I really don't respond. I do peck kiss him back in the mornings when we are both going to work, not first of course. He comes to me. I do need to try one of the meetings out, but the meeting house is at the same building that his meetings are in. They are right next door to each other. I don't want to see some of the people he goes to meetings with. Some of them know about the affair, and it is embarrassing. And it seems like there is sometimes has drama at the meetings. People get into your business and talk. I wish the meetings for me was not right next to his meetings.

I urge you to go to the meeting. I know exactly how you feel. When I first found Alanon, it took me 3 tries to actually go into the building. The first couple of times I just sat in the car in the parking lot. The people there will understand and help you with the fallout from his addiction.

Resuming affection is very important, because you want to build a wonderful new marriage, not just go back to the old broken one. However you need to insist that he get tested for STD's before you have sex. Who knows what kind of cooties the skank was carrying?

He tested on his own. He came home a couple of months ago and showed me all the paperwork. He said he got it done bc I have accused him in the past for cheating, and he just wanted to assure me. I didn't know about the affair then. I was just accusing him and thinking something was going on. So now I know why he went and got tested. It all make sense now.

Okay I guess this is my question, but I guess the answer differs for every different situation. I want to try to fix the marriage so that means I have to start showing affection. I am having a difficult time by asking myself- oh is it too soon? SHould I be more distant for a little to show he has done a very bad, hurtful thing? I read tons of stuff on this site, and it makes me think I need to get a move on it with the affection. It is very hard ,and I always had a problem showing affection in my past before Jason's drug addiction and affair. My parents don't even tell me that love me and, I do not tell them. I would feel very wierd if I had to say it to them. I have no problem at all saying to my 2 year old daughter. I tell her a 100 times a day. I used to tell Jason, but I do admit I have been slack. I have a problem expressing love to certain people I guess. My parents don't hug or show any affection. I don't recall them showing affection to me either. But the wierd thing is they show affection to their grandaughter just fine. I got off track- I need someone to tell me I need to start trying very hard to show affection right away right???? I read some infor on this site on how you can teach yourself to become more affectionate. Maybe I should try the list like it said and check it off. I will feel very wierd-especially after all the affair drama.

How you do it is just by starting in doing it. I'm like you. My parents never showed affection, have never told me they loved me. I remember as a child being very uncomfortable when a friend's parent said they loved them.

Now I'm an adult and have chosen to show affection to my partner. It feels very strange and fake at first, but becomes second nature.