Here goes. Not sure how these posts work, so if I ramble on you can hopefully excuse me. I am the husband who committed the affair. We were married in 1994 and my affair began in 2001. At the time we had two young children. In April of 2001 , my father passed away and at the time I had a daughter from a previous relationship that we were going through counseling with. Please do not take these as excuses, because I am not putting them here for that, only showing what was going on in my life. I do know and have acknowledged that I caused the affair with my actions and my actions alone.

My affair was with my sister in law. My brother in law was a good friend of mine, as I had met him and lived with him in college for a few years. When my friend was married, I ended up walking down the aisle with his soon to be sister in law and we fell in love and were married 5 years later. My brother in law and I enjoyed numerous hunting and fishing trips together and we ended up spending quite a bit of time together with our wives for family trips, etc.

Following the events in the spring of 2001, I was at my brother in law's house for an evening. I do travel to different areas for work and am usually gone up to 1 night a week on the road. At certain times when I am around friends I will stay for a night at their place. This happened to be one of those nights that I was staying and after some wine and my brother in law going to sleep, my sister in law and I ended up kissing and hugging. This was the first time that I ever felt any feeling for my sister in law outside of just being friends. Very fast, within two or three weeks, we ended up becoming intimate. We shared other intimate times and did have sex, but slowly the lust faded and I finally cleared my mind to know that what I was doing was the worst mistake of my life and ended the relationship.

My wife suspected something during the time that the affair was going on and the following February some letters were sent from my wife to her sister concerning questions that she had. At that time, I did not tell my wife the truth and she placed her trust in me and she ended up believing that I was not involved with her sister.

At this time I took this issue in my life and did not deal with it properly. I did not evaluate my feeling about what got me involved and simply tried to bury it. I certainly grieved and was extremely sad knowing what I had done to my wife, children, her family and our future, however I never truly addressed how I ended up in the affair and going through all of the steps involved to fully understand it.

What I did wrong was that our children were similar ages, my brother in law and I were still friends and as our families had done things in the past - trips, etc. I thought that those things were more important than protecting my wife from further pain and our families continued to vacation together - 4 times over the last 9 years and see each other at family outing typically 2 or 3 times a year.

I will say that I never once saw my sister in law outside of family events and never again put myself in a position where anything between us could happen. I was social to her when we were around each other.

My wife and her sister have slowly drifted apart and seen less and less of each other over the last 9 years. Some of this had to do with my sister in law's actions - she has continued to have other affairs and never stopped being extremely flirty, with other people not myself. I have not been involved with any other affairs and have remembered what got me into this situation and will not repeat it no matter what circumstances happen in my life. I have never talked with anyone about my affair and have never dealt with any feeling towards her, I simply buried my feeling knowing that what I had done was wrong and I could not do it any longer.

My wife's father passed away 6 weeks ago and during one of my wife's conversation with two of her other sister's a comment was made about whether my wife's feeling toward this sister was a result of some of the closeness that her sister and I shared. This was of course news to my wife as she did not know about this, apparently her sister that I had an affair with, told one of her sisters that we had something together and kissed different times.

Needless to say when I was confronted I was not truthful with my wife. In my mind after knowing what I went through after my Dad's passing I felt that my wife could not deal with added pain. And as I stated earlier, I truly never dealt with my feeling 9 years ago and had buried this so deep in my life that I had a difficult time remembering alot of the details. My wife asked more questions and I finally told her the truth about our relationship just today. This was 6 weeks after she had asked and pleaded with me to be honest about the relationship.

My wife has asked me to move out for now. I want to reconcile our marriage. I want to do the hard work to get through this. I know that I have destroyed her trust in me, her respect for me and so many other things, but I do want to share with all of you that she is worth everything to me and outside of this event, which I consider to be the most regrettable thing I have ever done, we do have what I consider a great marriage and one worth saving. I know that overcoming trust will take alot of work and would like to know your thoughts. PLease offer your help and suggestions in books, advice anything to help us through us. I will begin individual counseling through marriage builders as soon as an appointment can be set up.Thanks..

First, Welcome to MB.

Have you read all of the info on here?

You may get some harsh responses to some of what you wrote but don't get discouraged. This is going to help you.

Lastly, does your BW also post on here? Your story seems familiar. We need to know this to help BOTH of you. Thanx.

HL

Welcome to MB, the club nobody wants to join, but some do because of their wants and consequences.

I wondered last night if you were going to show up. You are going to get pounded. Man up to it and it will pass, maybe. You have glossed over the details of how it happened. That is not going to go over well here, with me or anyone else. What were you thinking? The examination you will receive here is likely to be intense and painful. Man up to it.

There are a few on here who are part of the club of relationship affairs. My then wife had a two month affair with a relative. That is a club within a club. It was a double betrayal, which I wanted to point out to you because it is going to take more effort for recovery. A double betrayal. You betrayed your wife and family. Your SIL betrayed her husband, your wife and all of the family. That points out the obvious.

In your initial exposure, you lied. You did so to protect your own hide. Take a look inside and see for yourself. This means the discovery was thus extended into six weeks, which is a long time for someone to endure one of the most emotionally painful experiences of their lifetime. And your wife has had to suffer through that. Go now and read in the Notable Posts Forum the posts by longhorn and wat to get an idea of what your wife has had to endure.

And more important, will continue to endure.

Going into this, there are a couple of things you must realize and those are: It may not work out for you. Your wife has the right to kick you to the curb. You have violated one of the most basic rules of human society, betraying those for whom you accepted the responsibility for caring and protecting. That others have done the same thing does not matter.

More later. Go read.

Larry

Scottie, it is delta //larry

Larry-I thought that it might be, but one never knows for sure.

That being said then. I have another bit of advice to give you. Stay off of your BW's thread. She should stay off of yours as well. There is going to be advice and 2x4's given to both of you that the other doesn't need to read to get help.

The next thing I want you to read is something called Joseph's Letter. Nobody around here remembers the origin of this letter. It was written by a man asking his wife for the truth.

It will give you a window into why the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, total honesty, will give you any chance at all. Joseph describes his take on what is going on in the mind of a betrayed trying to find why an atomic bomb has been set off under the foundation of their marriage.

This letter is not meant to give YOU hope, that is for your wife to give. Read it for understanding purposes only.

Larry

+_________________+

"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is will affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

+-----------+

HL:

Now for a suggestion.

You are not a man of few words. You can communicate.

I suggest you sit down and start writing to your wife. Your FIRST statement should be a written statement of what happened, in as much detail as you can truly remember. I don't recommend the more salacious details the first go around, the actual acts themselves, just that they happened and the circumstances.

Later on, you can go into more details if you are asked. And if you're asked, spare nothing. The circumstances are important, but be cautious, don't spare yourself. The Judge and Jury is sitting in the house waiting. Leave nothing out to spare yourself or the SIL.

And don't blame the SIL, point out your own shortcomings, her shortcomings are both obvious and have nothing to do with where you find yourself except for being willing and there. As you have discovered if you read what I asked for you to read, honesty has now become your best friend.

I hope that you have more than one computer. Your wife is going to need to be online probably at the same time as you.

So where are you?

Larry

Yes my wife does post on MB and her story has unfolded in time and this is my first post. I have not read all of the information on the website, but am seeking all of the help I can get. If there are certain parts of the website that you feel can help me more than others, I would appreciate it.

I will say that I have never talked about this before and it does feel good to share in this. Thanks for taking time to comment.

HL

Uh, I did point you to several things to read initially.

Did you go read?

What were your impressions?

On step at a time, no shortcuts. No hurry. Your situation will not get fixed overnight. You must be prepared for the long haul.

Larry

Suggestion:

If someone says do whatever, then if you do it, say that you did or that you will do it. When you do it, say so. That way someone will know what you have done and not guess that you are spinning in place.

Larry

I will write a letter to my wife stating what happened. She ahs heard me tell her this, but I like the idea of putting it in writing. It should help to not have it be verbal, as I know that anything that causes her to not trust me has to end.

If the story sounds familiar, it is because my wife has been posting on the website lately.

I do appreciate your response and suggestions.

I know that her lack of trust in me and what I say is one of the things that I need to restablish.

Just this morning I realize that the affair is truly my deepest regret, but lieing to her about it is my second.

Hello,

I am going to condense your story for you:

You made the choice to cheat on your wife. It was unjustifiable. You then decided to bury it rather than face it. You continued to spend time with your AP because explaining why you couldn't was out of the question. When questions did arise, you lied. You realize what you have done but are worried it's too late.

The first time I ever wrote anything about my A, it was a novel. I thought I needed to share all background information. One things I realized is that background information, in many ways, is irrelevant. It distracts from the very simple facts. There is so much info on here, and it works. My D-day was July 25, 2006, and I am still married. We recovered from my horrible choice. But it took time, and lots of effort. Here are some good ways to start:

1. Take 100% responsibility for the affair. Any explanation at this point sounds to a BS like excuses. The only thing that really matters at this point is that it was wrong.

2. Answer every question you are asked, no matter how much you might think it will hurt her. She is the one who gets to decide what she wants to know.

3. Give her every password, all cell phone info, etc. make every corner of your life an open book

4. In our case, sense I confessed before H found out, we sort of did exposure together. But your famillies need to know, and all contact - all contact - needs to be cut off between you and SIL. Once her H finds out what you both did, that probably won't be a problem.

5. Call the Harleys. And in the meantime, buy Surviving an Affair

6. This isn't a slow climb; it's a roller coaster. There will be bad days, worse days, better days, great days, and back to bad days. The timeline depends partially on your actions and partially on how your W is able to process this horrible blow. So we're talking months and years here, not days and weeks

This can be recovered. And I echo the idea of not being on each other's threads. I have seen threads get way off track when spouses start intermingliing on each other's threads. That does not mean the threads are secret. It just means that you don't post...period, unless your spouse says you can.

Larry,

Thanks for the advice. Once again it really does help to have someone to help through this.

I will not post on my wife's thread. Good advice.

I do not want to get ahead of our M, but it is great to read Recovered from A on your reply, working on M.

Finally, talk about it. I see you said advice, not advise, which indicates that you do know how to write.

So no excuse. Paint your journey here so those who know can find the holes you are going to leave, both on purpose because you don't know better yet, or by accident, for the same reason.

You job is do a really hard thing to do, and that is a persona makeover.

I will be around. If not, there are others. This is a collaborative site, where those who post help each other to make the points that need to be made.

Larry

I think it is super important to never excuse yourself from your actions. Refrain from saying something like "but you...."

Agree to terms that your wife will set, even if they include you never to talk to you BIL friend again. In fact you should offer to do this yourself. Cutting off all contact forever with the BIL and OWSIL is suggested.

She is going to be mad at you, don't get mad back, just fess up to what you did. This is new to her, its like you have cheated on her yesterday, and lied for 9 years. Expect her to be mad for months and months maybe years. It all depends on how she feels and how long it will take for her to gather herself together.

Refrain from committing LB's. Right now your LB$ took a huge hit, and may be in the red. She will say things like I don't know why I put up with this, or I'm questioning why I should stay with you. These are just guesses, but I haven't really seen that talk in her thread. I do know that her LB$ took a major hit.

HLFH1236,

she has continued to have other affairs

Even if that is the case and your brother in-law is numb from the abuse, you still need to apologize to your BIL, possibly to their children and MIL/FIL.

The somebody else would have done it defense will be seen as a form of cowardice so please don't use it.

Gamma

I am working on an apology letter and will be sending this out. Thanks.

You need to wright a No Contact letter to your SIL/OW, have your wife read it and aprove of it and then mail it to her together.

The only thing I can suggest is sitting back and giving her time to digest this. If she asks you to move out, I would do it. That is the least you can do. She may not be able to overcome this and might decide she is better off ending the marriage. I would not stay married to you, but that is just me.

Let me just outline what has been done to this woman, because this is well beyond the usual cruelty we see on this board. This is an affair x 200.

1. you slept with her sister and have ruined her whole family - she now has to avoid family events for the rest of her natural life. when she attends funerals, etc, she has to face the affair again and again. it never goes away

2. you lied to her for 9 years - so in addition to an affair, there are 9 years of lies

3. you paraded her around her sister after the affair while she remained ignorant of what you had done to her

That is alot to overcome, HLF. While she may be able to come to forgive you some day, it may not be in her best interest to stay with you. Frankly, I would be scared of someone who could do this to another human being. Saying you are sorry is just not enough.