Also, the A is exposed but not to her father. Should I do this or just leave it alone? (She is 24 and her father is apparently abusive) I want to write him a mailed letter and explain but I think that may only provoke her to call us at this point. Should I wait and see if they contact each other again and then do this?

bump**

I would save the extra exposure for when contact is resumed, if it ever is. The point of exposure is to shine light on the A and help hasten its demise. If there is NC, there is no need for exposure. The only exception to this would be if OW's H or boyfriend didn't know. Then you need to expose to them because their partner's behavior directly impacts them (STDs etc.). So in this case I wouldn't expose to OW's father. I also wouldn't worry about him being abusive.

You sure seem to be spending a LOT of energy wondering, fearing, and suspecting. That's normal, it's part of PTSD and you've been through a huge shock. But please take a step back and try to realize that all the time you spend worrying is really time spent in DJs. Disrespectful Judgements. Love Busters.

Focus instead on eliminating LBs and meeting his ENs.

Now I'm not saying to be stupid and naive, don't do that. Maintain vigilance...I'd even tell WH that you'd feel much more secure if there were a key logger on the computer (or I'd just put one on and not mention it to him). That way you don't have to wonder if there's a new secret email account... you just check the logs. You don't have to listen fearfully to every little tap-tap on the keyboard and wonder what he's typing, and to whom. You'll still check the logs, and you'll get peace of mind from that, but you won't cringe and stress all day.

Be sure and meet his ENs. Thank him for times like when the phone came in with the suspicious area code and he handed the phone to you to answer. That's a big step.

Thanks for the support. I am spending WAY too much time obsessing about what can happen. Unfortunately I cannot put a keylogger on his work computer because its at his work. Thats my fear and that is the computer he used in the past.

Its really good to hear back from people on this site, it really does make you take a step back. I just wish the insecurities I have would go away...and I guess in time they will.

The phone call was a big step but he has done this in the past because he knows she will not call him, she prefers to use email. When she calls I ALWAYS find out and that destroys what "they" have and he breaks contact for a short period of time.

Ok, here is my dilema. H was at work for the past 2 days doing "online courses" on the laptop he used to talk to OW. I called a few times and I could hear the course in the background.

He doesn't know that I have his username and password to his work portal. I logged in and looked at the courses and he is only enrolled in ONE. Some of the courses he said he did show up as not enrolled......

Should I question this? Do I ask him to see certification that he completed these courses?

What kind of courses are they? How long should they take? If it says "not enrolled", I would assume he didn't take them. Can you look at a transcript online?

Do you think he is using the courses excuse to use the affair laptop?

They are work related courses that should take awhile to do. I asked him specifically which ones he has taken and they say not enrolled. I also tried to enroll him and see what happens and it says that he has to do prereq first.

I am curious if he is talking to her again since his mood has changed a lot since Monday.

I wouldn't say anything about it. Bide your time.

A personal question - does he want SF with you?

THanks believer. Yes he does want SF with me. In fact there was something he wanted me to do in that department that I offered this past few months and he always said "we will see". Thats how I knew he was in contact with her.

Last week, when he broke contact he brought it up and said he wanted to do that, and the reason he didnt was her. I asked him last night and he said yes he would like too, just not tonight he was tired.

I will not say anything. I will just keep an eye on things. For example, he works 2 weeks on and 1 off, and since the A he has been going into work on this days off just periodically saying he needed to do something. I will watch for behavior like that.

You are a sneaky one! LOL.

So you have kind of a built in barometer on whether or not there is still contact. See if he is still too tired tonight.

LOL I know.

H just called me, he finished another course and so since one of his EN is conversation and I am trying to steer clear of enemies of bad conversation I asked him about the courses. He explained them to me, and said he had problems logging in from his workspace so the boss had to put direct links on his desktop for him and he had to print confirmation. He said this without me even asking anything. I think thats a good sign!

We have courses like that at work, and sometimes it is IMPOSSIBLE to log in, so I do believe that.

Try to enjoy his company tonight and not stress about it. Either he will maintain NC or he won't. Actually, most posters have to go to Plan B.

Thanks Believer! His mood has changed a lot in the past 2 days. He could sense it was bothering me yesterday, and he told me that he is telling the truth and I will see that in time.

If I have to go to Plan B I will, it will be extremely difficult to do but I will do it. I actually tried to leave on 2 occassions after I found out about contact and as soon as I find out, he BEGS me not too and says that there is no doubt in his mind that he wants us, he just contacts her because he is wondering how she is doing, and it spirals from there. But I also know he would say anything to make me stay and "have his cake and eat it too".

I think he probably DOES want you, he is just addicted. Once the OW is completely out of the picture, the two of you will be in recovery and can move on to a wonderful marriage.

Right now the danger is that he will fail with NC again. A BS has a certain tolerance for false recoveries. You may be able to go through 10 more, I don't know your number. But the scary thing is, one day you might wake up and realize that you have lost your respect for him. And after that, the love goes quickly.

That is what happened to me. When my ex came out of the fog, he was just like the man I married. He begged me to go out with him, talk to him, anything. But I was just done.

A year later he committed suicide.

Plan B is hard and every BS dreads doing it. But it is absolutely essential to protect the love you still have for hubby.

Believer, I am so very sorry to hear about your H.

I really appreciate all the advice you have been giving me. I know what you mean, I cannot go through this time and time again and will PLAN B if I have too. I am following PLAN A for the first time ever and I am really hoping this will work.

His mood makes me feel uneasy sometimes but I think, "isnt that what I want to accomplish? Him to be better?" I thought the withdrawal would last longer, and I am sure its not completely over, but I think of the timelines and how he tried NC 3 times since Xmas so the length of time that he has spoken to OW has decreased significantly. I wonder if its easier for him than when he was talking to her for months and had to do NC?

Let's hope so. In the end, it is really up to him. He needs to bite the bullet. Otherwise it is like an alcoholic who still hangs around the bar - sooner or later he will fall.

Just keep meeting his needs for conversation and admiration. Try to be excited about your future together. I know how hard it is.

It is hard. Its wierd though, I do feel like things will get better. I hope that doesn't come to bite me in the butt!

Ok, I am super angry at the moment! I woke up this morning, H was just staring at me. I asked him what was wrong he said he had pains in his stomach and was wondering if he had an ulcer from the stress etc. I told him that I thought things were getting better this week. While he kind of agreed, he said he was still having a hard time.

He said that he wonders if he will ever make me happy, and that he never has been a happy person, bla bla bla. So I see the fog AGAIN. He said part of him wonders if I would be happier without him.

I asked him if he was in contact again, and he said no and to go ahead to call her to see like I had in the past. He definitely is suffering from depression, but I have no idea what to do to help.

I asked him what he wanted and again, all I get is "i don't know". I am so sick of hearing I don't know. I read emails between him and OW and he sounded so upbeat, happy etc. Could it be that he is really in love with her and that she makes him happy?

We talked about how to be happy and I told him that I think it starts by spending more time together doing happy things. He doesn't agree. SUPER frustrating. He said we are happier around our friends and family playing games, etc. and i said that was because we were having fun and interacting. How do I make him see the light? Or, do I just walk away?

Before I left the house to go to work I asked him to please figure this out. I am here to help him and I do believe we can get through it. But I am not going to keep this cycle going. (Does that make sense?)

He's in withdrawal and not depression, IMO. What he's saying sounds pretty typical of a wayward coming off their drug, to me.