Ladies and especially Gentlemen......

This has come before and more often in the past few months. Newbies have been dealt a debilitating blow of finding out their S is having an affair. They come here looking for advice and quickly move into Plan A. Time passes, Plan B is the obvious next step but for a million reasons they seem frozen to go there. We will hear all kinds of reasonings such as......

"I cannot afford to move out. What do I do?"

"I asked the WS to leave and they refused. What do I do?"

"I won't leave the kids. What should I do?"

So we tell them to go to Plan B. They come up with a gazillion reasons why this won't work (which them most long standing VETS drop off the threads because they get frustrated with newbies not following Dr. H's PLANS.....), so then the ask the dreaded.......
How do I Plan B while still living with my WS

The answer is........
YOU DON'T!!!!!

So I'm going to review what Plan B is and isn't......

Plan B is Avoid ALL Contact with the Wayward Spouse until the Affair has Ended

The purpose of Plan B is to give the WS a taste of what is to come IF a divorce actually takes place (pg. 79 SAA).

In Plan B, the BS needs to be as far as away from the WS and the affair. This sometimes DOES mean that the BS needs to move out. Dr. H even says he has gone as far as recommending moving to another city or state (pg. 80 SAA)!!!!! Dr. H also recommends the BS seek legal counsel for advice as to what they can legally do.

So folks, for review......

Plan B is to LEAVE your WS.....to remove yourself from the drama, angst, and disgustingness of the affair. To remove yourself from the mental anguish that the WS inflicts upon the BS......

To put this plan into motion one needs to

A. Get legal counsel. In my opinion, this should ALWAYS be done in Plan A. A WS thinks of nothing in spouting off legal mumbo-jumbo in order to keep the BS in line, aka to keep the BS from interfering with the affair, to keep BS from snooping (I KNOW this one all too well), keep the BS from exposure.....the BS's best defense from this is to educate themselves by getting real counsel from a REAL lawyer....(usually the WS is spouting off facts that they got second hand......not from a real lawyer.......)

B. Secure living arrangements. Men, pay attention to what I am about to say.......you may have to move out in order to go into a Plan B. This does not make you weak. This does not make you a doormat. This does not diminish your manhood one bit. Do whatever is necessary. Find a month-to-month lease on a apartment......find a stable friend or family member......
You think you can't afford this? Well, you will end up in divorce before long and you will be facing this VERY senario anyway. Remember the purpose of Plan B......to give the WS a taste of divorce life.
Do a search on Mortarman. Read up on his very beginnings here. He sold his HOUSE!!!!!.....Mimi, another great VET, sold her house as well. This situation is doable. Hard to implement? Yes......but very doable.......BRAINSTORM till you find a solution. It may not be easy but NECESSARY for your own sanity......

3. Secure all documents for your children. Get your own copies of birth certificates, SS cards, health records and school records. Who knows if you'll need them, but better to have them rather than scrambling around when you do.

4. Set up an intermitary. Some one who can handle all communications. Some one who can filter the facts from crap. This person needs to be able to do this without taking sides.

5. Plan B letter. The one from SAA is perfect and to the point. It is a love letter giving the WS a way back to the marriage. There is extensive samples of Plan B letter in the Notable Post section on the forum menu page.....

These are very basic, simple things to follow.........but WORK to implement. But let me tell, if you aren't up to the work of Plan B, you aren't going to up to the work of a TRUE recovery.

Now, about the children.......this is for you MEN.....

The biggest fear I see lately is leaving the kids. In case you all haven't noticed this is 2010. The courts recognize that the best solution for the kids of divorce is for BOTH parents to be involved. The thing is if you skip Plan B, your chances of divorce is pretty darn good and then you are going to be without your kids 50% of the time anyway. By doing this whole "Plan-B-while-living-with-the-WW", you are only prolonging the inevitable. The very thing you fear is going to happen anyway. The only difference is you are going to come out of the other end more mentally scarred, abused, and bitter leaving your kids with not ONE unstable parent but TWO. So now your kids are faced with having no safe haven. IF you really want the best for your children, you have to care for yourself first. It's just like when flight attendants tell you "In an emergency, place the oxygen mask on yourself FIRST, then assist your children....". If you don't secure your own mental state, you will be in NO CONDITION to secure your childrens.......

As you can see from above, you CANNOT Plan B while still living with your spouse. It just isn't possible.......it goes against the entire purpose of Plan B.

Anything else is not Marriage Builders way of dealing with an affair.

Not2fun

Thanks Not2.

I for one did understand that Plan B cannot be done in the same house. I also now understand the last part you posted for us fathers out there.

I think the issue is not how to do Plan B while living together, as it CANNOT be done, but rather do you leave the house if need be in order to execute the Plan B?

I would only consider this if it were absolutely impossible to get the WS to leave.

It is a very tough choice, especially in light of Mel's excellent thread here: Men, do not leave your home!

The key thing I recently noticed when re-reading this thread was this:


I missed that little sentence the first time reading this. That sentence is HUGE.

Fortunately for me, I still have the strength and desire to continue to Plan A a little longer. When I am 'tapped out' and need to go to Plan B, I know what I need to do.

Thank you so much for your help and patience. I know this post will help more folks than just me!

As for success stories that come from those doing this so-called plan, I cannot think of one.......I know of some failures......Eyeofthestorm, Lino, are a couple (their threads were deleted because their WW's used them against them in court....)....

Successful Plan Ber's.........

Mortarman, Mimi, Queenie, MarriedForever, Lil'doggie........

Current Plan Ber's doing it successfully......

Fred, Scotland, Ladylongleggs, Hope

Plan Ber's who ended up divorced but kept this as a way of life......

Silentlucidy, SDguy, Chailover, Luna, DancingMachine, Bugsmom.....and let me tell ya all.....this group came through with their mentality still INTACT......best testament of all on why Plan B should be used.....

Guess my work is done here!!!!!!....

SOL, hopefully you are not dragging this out beyond 6 months. One of the biggest mistakes I have seen men make is they drag out Plan B beyond 6 months and become very bitter and angry before they know it. Their bitterness becomes a way of life. 6 months is pretty much the MAX.

Unfortunately, Plan A does attract alot CONFLICT AVOIDERS and instead of doing what needs to be done, they allow themselves to get dragged into the sewer of hate or indifference.

Not, Lino and eyeofthestorm very much ARE success stories. They both did Plan B successfully and they both ended up divorced. The definition of success in Plan B is to remove yourself from the circle of abuse. They both did that. In both their cases, divorce was the definition of success and I know that eyeofthestorm, at least, is doing extremely well and is very happy.

Limbo has a good head on his shoulders and is counseling with Steve Harley. I think that he has a good idea of what he can and cannot tolerate and is willing to follow Dr Harley's most excellant advice. I have prayed for alot of BH on here who were conflict avoiders using Plan A for two long as a way of doing that. I don't think that Limbo is one of them.

God's Blessings,

Say

Thanks for filling me in, Say, that gives me relief. Steve is an excellent coach who knows how to guide one into plan B when the time is right.

Any lawyer will tell a BH... DO NOT LEAVE THE HOME!!!

Plan B may work, but if it doesn't, a BH is screwed for abandonment.

This is the dilemma we face, especially as betrayed husbands.

That is why it is SO imperative to get your legal ducks in a perfect row before the start of plan B.

ANy court who is given empirical proof of an affair even in no fault places cannot possibly think anyone, regardless of gender, will continue a relationship with someone who is having an affair whether they think it is morally right or not. Prove the 'relationship breakdown' and its not a case of abandonment, but a case of protecting yourself.

Never ever move out it will put you behind the eight ball legally. Denied acces to home, kids, custody, CS, spousal support.

Do what is known as the 180. Ignore WS. Cut off money to WS. Live your life fully. Plan activites for yourself and your kids without including the WS. Exercise, clean up, cook for yourself and kids exclude WS. Show WS that you can function without them. Let WS see the new and improved you. Let the WS see what they are missing out on.

Think of the 180 as the share the house plan B but not your life.

Until??? A year? 5 years? Forever?

I did 4 months plan A, followed by a 3 week false recovery. I think I would rather shoot myself than deal with an active WS ever again.

Plan B saved me.

TE, a BH cannot stay and linger forever in limbo for fear of being charged with "abandonment." This is why he must first try and get the WW to move out without the kids and get a separation order. The solution is not to STAY for years on end while the WW carries on her affair.

what is he supposed to do? Stay there and be abused for 25 years??

This is a conflict avoiders DREAM. I have known wimps who stayed with their wives using this pathetic excuse FOR YEARS. FOR YEARS.

...

But is it worth it?

I don't understand why a BH wouldn't just pack up the WW's stuff and put it on the porch with a Plan B letter and ASK(nudge nudge) her to LEAVE.

I mean, LEGALLY I couldn't kick my WH OUT, but I asked him to go and I asked for my key and HE LEFT. Was I afraid that he wouldn't go? You betcha. If he didn't, would I have left him? Probably sooner than later. It definitely does something to a WS to see this HUGE step taken by a BS. NO PLAN DOORMAT IN PLAN B.

Just throwing it out there. Maybe it should have been in the rants thread instead, teeheee.

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Um... Get a divorce while we're still young, and meet a new beautiful woman who loves him with all her heart and is fun and exciting to be around, who's not a betrayer, and who's not committed adultery...