Let's look at the possible conversation:

WW: "Honey, I realize that it is impossible for me to continue to work at my job because the danger to our M is too great as long as OM is working there."

BH: "Okay, that's it - I warned you that I would leave you if you decided you didn't want to keep working with OM! I'm outta here! To he77 with our years together, to he77 with having an intact family under one roof!"

Really? Do you really see that happening?

Thank you SO much for sharing your stories with me. It gives me hope. I am 41, the OM is 26. My husband seems to have adopted a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Unfortunately, that only makes it easier to keep lying. Lying by omission is every bit as bad as the alternative. I have two young children who I'm looking out for. I am so afraid of destroying their world for what I suspect may just be a midlife crisis. I just keep hoping that one day my feelings for the OM will go away. He's very young and I hope that I will wise up. So far, though, I'm having a hard time keeping my marriage going while waiting to wise up. It is so helpful to me to hear from people who have been where I am and who have come out on the other side. I feel so alone.

You are manipulating your husband. You are abusing both him and your children...YES YOU ARE ABUSING YOUR CHILDREN!

Well.....

Here's what Dr Harley has to say:


Discuss with your BH.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Hello, I am new here and haven't yet gotten the chance to tell my story but I just had to respond to this thread. I am following it closely as our BH's seem to have something in common. Unlike you, I live far away from the OM and there is no chance of contact so I am not triggered quite as readily; however, I can relate to your fear of telling your husband. My husband asks me often if I still miss OM. When I tried to answer honestly in the past that I did but it was fading, he became so enraged. I also KNOW that my head is in the right place but sometimes my heart thinks fondly of the OM. I can't tell my husband his self esteem is so low already (thanks in a large part to me) and he thinks I SHOULD feel a certain way and doesn't want to consider the fact that I can't really control my feelings.
Even with no contact, it is hard so I can't even imagine how you are able to handle it.

SC,

You wrote. My head wants the marriage; my heart wants the affair.

Actually your Head wants the marriage, but your addiction to OM wants the affair.

I not sure your husband has really taken a don't ask don't tell policy, when I blithely allowed my Wife to continue to work with OM after D-day it was because I was too numb to react, to the outside world it might have seemed like indifference.

God Bless
Gamma

Your chances for saving your M is very good, given your desire to stay in it and not with your OM. I don't think your H is aware of the danger that your M faces if you continue to work with OM. You will need to man the ship here, and do what it takes to keep your M intact.

Your desire to stay in your M is noble; however, the chance of keeping it intact dwindles as you maintain contact with OM. Can you talk to your HR dept and be transferred to another place that would remove contact? Barring that, I think your best bet is to find other employment. Sucks, but it's one of the hazards of conducting an A.

Here is a truth that doesn't get told much: If you shared your heart and your body with the OM, coupled with the "thrill" and the "addiction", it doesn't go away overnight. There are times for awhile that you not only have a fond thought of the OM, your body actually starts to respond to the thought of him. Remember being in high school or college and physically aching for someone after a breakup? It takes time, but there is a choice involved too. Thoughts cannot just evaporate. You have to REPLACE those thoughts - with thoughts of family, gratitude for what you have, prayer, the Bible if you are religious. We have to retrain or "renew" our minds. Every day. But it does fae...and then you realize that you don't care. it isn't hate - hate is not the opposite of love. The opposite of love is indifference. Belive it or not, esp if you follow the MB principles and to the RIGHT things, the withdrawal and feelings will become indifference. OM won't even be relevant anymore.

But it starts with complete honesty and NO CONTACT.

It will not disappear by you hoping it will. YOU HAVE to end contact.

It won't just happen. You do have to take action.



IF the best focus for you right now and the thing that will make you see sense is the children, then go with this. FInd out about what fanily split ups do to chldren and the increase in the chance of abuse for children who are involved with their mum's new partner.

It was until my A ended that I became so painfully aware of how much I had neglected them during my A.

2 jobs for you to do right now

1) be honest with your H

2) end contact (TOTALLY)

SD, one thing that helps with that is to expose your own affair. Make sure your children, other family members, and most especially the OM's wife, if any, know about it. The more people that know, the more people to hold you accountable.

Having others know about your filthy affair helps take the gloss off of it and puts in a proper perspective. Its hard to romanticize an affair when others are looking at you with disgust on their faces. Its like bringing a crowd of people into the crack house to watch the crack heads get high. It ruins the high!

An affair is a filthy act of degradation, and this realization comes when the fantasy wears off and reality sets in as the addiction dissipates.

Usually when there is an affair it is not the affair that kills the marriage. It is the lies and deceit surrounding the affair.

Affairs can usually be worked through if there is honesty.
Lies kill a marriage.

In my time on this forum I have seen many marriages fall apart because the WS hides information from the BS and eventually all the deceit is too much for the BS to bear. Yet it was clear at the beginning that if the WS had "come clean" things would have worked out. But the WS keeps trying to save their own hide and loses everything in that gamble.

Please avoid this tragedy.
If your M fails it will be because of your ongoing deceit and lies. Every day you hide the truth is one more day your BH has to think "She was lying to me all that time. I thought we were in recovery and it turns out it was all lies. Just a big farce."

luroosi hit the nail on the head here. The affair has to be replaced with something, and that is a good marriage. An effective recovery includes creating a ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP with your spouse.

ML is right about exposure. We told our famlilies, several friends, our pastors, and I told my boss and a couple of co-workers. I had one friend say, "Why would you even LOOK at OM when you have H??? What were you thinking??" Tell your families, and find some REAL honest friends who will keep you accountable.

I am humbled to even be addressed by MelodyLane. It has prompted me to start my own thread so that I no longer T/J this one.

I have been wanting to do that for awhile but am trying to make sure I put things properly and avoid rewriting history (as much as my foggy brain can).

Lurioosi...we have exposed to everyone on my side, (OM is single, no children and lives far away) Unfortunatley, my friends, family and even BH's family have been privy to much background information prior to this that I didn't get as many 2X4's as I needed to defog completely...another reason to begin a thread here.

It may take time but, wait for it.

Sunny

Exposure - I'm with that. I told everyone that knew both of us, friends of mine that didn't know both of us and family.

This was so that I had eyes on me everywhere in case I got tempted - my H was reluctant at first for me to do so - he was ashamed. I took all the shame and let him know that he need not feel shame.

Accountability is a great weapon.

There is a 100% chance your marriage will fail if contact with OM continues.

Quit your job, go total NC....


And put your big girl pants on and tell your husband the truth. He WILL find out anyway, maybe in a month, maybe in 10yrs, but it will happen.

Thank you to all of your for your advice. It helps so much. I've been seeing a counselor, but it really helps to hear from people who have walked in my shoes. I really appreciated the perspectives of lurioosi2 and sunnydaze. I DO have a physical reaction to thoughts of him, and I feel this is as powerful of an addiction as drugs. I have told my counselor many times that I wish I were addicted to meth because it is more socially acceptable and there are 12-step programs to help. I know that the only way out is NC. I told the OM at work today that I could not continue like this and that I was telling my husband. The OM seems to think that we can continue to work together, just not contact each other. We've tried this before, but he always ends up contacting me eventually. Plus, there are so many triggers for me. We have mutual friends there. He is also quite attractive, and people remind me of that all the time. Part of me wants to believe that I can keep working there and insist on NC and re-build my marriage, and part of me thinks that will be impossible. Can I stay there with NC and not tell my BH how hard it is? How can you go through withdrawal by yourself without involving your BH while resisting the urge to relapse? Any ideas?

One more thing--it is such a powerful addiction that even the thought of giving him up makes me cry. I could barely work today without sobbing at the thought of it. It's crazy. Please tell me that this is normal and that I can re-connect with my husband again. I need some hope.

NC means you don't work together. If you work together, you are in contact. You can't go through withdrawal until one of you leaves the job. You H does need to be involved. He needs to know everything.

Spring,

With all due respect, this is a cowardly cop-out.

Your marriage will not survive with ongoing lies and ongoing contact. And your affair is likely to resume at some point to boot. You MUST:

1. Go to complete and perpetual NC with your OM no matter what. This is the ONLY way to get through the �fog� and the withdrawal�you will never escape either as long as you continue to see OM, even �platonically�. If true NC means changing jobs or possible financial hardship, then so be it. Your marriage, which you claim to be in fear of �losing�, is completely hopeless if you continue to have ANY ongoing contact with OM.

2. TELL YOUR BH THE FULL & COMPLETE TRUTH. Truth is the only disinfectant here. Yes, he may leave you. But, you are entirely responsible for your own actions and you did cheat (and continue to maintain secret contact)�you already gave him a free ticket out if he chooses to use it. Right now you are �keeping� him (temporarily) under deceit and are being terrible unfair and disrespectful to him.

Your marriage can NEVER truly recover under the current circumstances.