I am a WW who had an affair with a co-worker 15 years my junior. When BH discovered affair, we went to counseling and I changed departments to get away from the OM. However, I continue to have contact with OM due to work. We cannot afford for me to quit my job, and I am in a highly specialized profession and have been unable to find alternate employment. BH does not want me to quit my job, but I'm finding it difficult to work on my marriage with so many triggers. BH does not know that we are still in contact, and has told me that he would leave me if we were. So I cannot explain to him why I really need to quit my job. In addition, I cannot share my withdrawal with BH or he would leave me. So I continue to work and try to maintain my marriage while having these conflicting emotions that are sabotaging my efforts. Please help.

Are you having physical contact?

So you are tricking him into staying married to you? WHY?? ARe you usually this cruel?

The solution is to stop being a coward and tell your H you can't stay there. Tell him why. Then go to Human Resources and tell them about your affair and ask them to transfer you or take a leave of absence.

In the meantime, get your resume out there and start looking for a job.

Is the OM married and does wife know what you have done? If not, she needs to know so she can protect herself and her children from you and her H.

No physical contact. And you're right--I am a coward. I am afraid of losing my marriage because of my fog, but I can't escape the fog without losing my marriage.

I guess I'm not getting this. What do you mean that you can't share your withdrawal with your husband? If you are still in contact with the OM, then you are not in withdrawal.

Also I'm not buying that there is no physical contact.

Expose the OM wife and his parents. They may put enough heat on the OM that he leaves the job.

Also tell management about the affair and for your need for NC.

There is no physical contact. We only see each other during working hours at work. As for withdrawal, what I'm referring to is trying to keep my distance from the OM and keep my boundaries. It is really difficult to do so when he is always around.

The OM is not married and his parents are aware of the situation.

Say to your H "I need to leave my job because OM is there"

I dont imagine he'll argue with that.

BTW anything less than radical honesty in your Marriage will lead to its down fall. Look at how lying has already caused you problems

Need a bit more information. How long ago was your affair? How long since your husband found out?

How long have you been married? Kids?

I'm a BH whose FWW also had an A with an OM over a decade younger than she was. Based what I went through with her at the time (she continued working with OM for a few months), I would strongly suggest the following:

1. Start being honest with your BH. You're not doing this now, and he's likely going crazy with the disconnect between what you say you're doing and what his suspicions are about what is actually happening.

2. Take positive, definite and noticeable steps to change jobs ASAP. Without delay. Like as soon as you read this.

3. Do at least one noticeable thing every day to show your H that (a) you care about him, and (2) you understand and care about how your choices have adversely affected him.

huh? That is a foggy statement... The fact is that your H needs the truth. He has a right to know that you can't avoid the OM at work and that recovery will be impossible. If he leaves, he leaves.

You have nothing to lose because your marriage won't survive this way.

Honesty is the solution, not more lies and not more secrets.

Thank you all so much for your advice and your candor. We have been married for 15 years with 2 kids. I know that honesty is the solution, but the problem is that my head and my heart are in two different places right now. My head wants the marriage; my heart wants the affair. I trust my head, not my heart. The heart is what's holding me back from doing what I know I need to do.

You sound much as I was when I joined the board and found the material last Jan.

Give your H and you M a real chance.

Let this be your chance to do everything you can to get your M up and running again.

My motivation in the beginning was my children. I am so pleased that I forced my head to take control.

You have made a brave first step coming here - now do what you know you need to do.

*EDIT*

Look at what you've written. Your BH is willing to stay with you after an A with a co-worker, wants you to stay in contact with him, but says he'll leave you if he finds further evidence of hanky-panky. That makes no sense. Why would he allow you, a wayward wife, to stay in the same job that contributed to your A? He appears to be prioritizing the family budget over your M. That needs to change.

How old are you, anyway?? You are being treated like a child and you're allowing yourself to be. "Okay, you were bad, don't do it again or you're really going to get it." That changes nothing, as you have realized. You are one glance away from being up to your eyeballs in infidelity again. The A was/is like crack to you, and you go daily into the crack house and look at your drug.

You know yourself well enough to know that the A is in danger of resuming. Your H needs to know that as well. Stop with the immature hiding of the facts. You need to woman-up and tell him what you've told us, and that you have to leave your job to help save your M. If you don't, the chance is good that he's going to have to learn to live on one budget, after all. Because your M will end.

Srpingchicken, I had an a with a younger OM co-worker four years ago. I was afraid to tell my H. In fact, I lied about it to quite a few people.

You say your head and heart are in two places. I will tell you - follow what is right. It is hard. My H packed his bags and left the last time I had contact with the OM. It wasn't because I told him. It was because he found out on his own. And that WILL happen. Your H will find out, and that will be worse that honesty.

I am also in a specialized field - I am a general music teacher. It is terribly hard to find a job. But there is no way to work with the OM. Even if you have to do something different - secretarial, sales, receptionist, ANYTHING - for awhile, you cannot work with him. You are right. There is not way to be around him and recover your M or recover personally.

The weekend is coming. Tell your H today/tonight. Tell him that you no there is no excuse for not telling him sooner. Tell him you cannot work with OM around. Fall on his mercy. He may get very very angry. He may walk out. But he may very well walk back in my the end of the weekend.

Read everything you can here. If you want to know more about my story, I will tell you anything you want to know, but read the MB stuff.

I KNOW your mind is going in a million directions, but the RIGHT thing is always the right thing to do. The more deception and lying there is, the worse it will get. EVERYTHING has to be out. It is the only way.