Hi,
I am 8 months from D-Day, in MC and he is in IC. It's helping, we are getting there.

I would love to hear from BS or WS about what specifically helped you heal after the important things happened (NC, remorse, going to counseling, etc)

Does anything stand out in your mind that really helped?

Thanks in advance!

1. Hearing about every bit of the A. The how, the why, the when.
2. Being here and learning the anatomy of affairs.
3. H's willingness to do whatever it took to heal the damage.
4. Beginning a path of O&H, RH and transparency with H.
5. Time. Gotta have it.

Thanks, maritalbliss!

I guess I am struggling with what else I need him to do to help me heal.

Can you expand on this? What is he currently doing? What would you like him to do?

What he is doing:
1. going to IC and allowing our MC to share info with the IC
2. going to MC with me
3. NC (although the OW and my H now hate each other)

What I would like:

1. Telling me how he has changed or is changing to make sure this doesn't happen again
2. Really hearing me when I talk about it - he says he is sorry, he suggests I get some individual MC vists to help me - but the MC says I need HIM to help me heal rather than talking to her alone

I feel shut down when I talk about it. I feel that he is more focused on the future and wants to sweep the past under the rug.

He had a lot of trauma as a child and the IC is working on those issues - trust, not be able to empathize, focusing on himself and his needs exclusively.

Have you told him that you want these things?

I agree with your C - your H needs to be an active participant in your healing. It may be that he isn't used to that type of communication and he's a little rusty. It gets easier as you go, though. Reassure him of that.

You know, we've all got skeletons in our closet. I don't know a soul who had a rosy childhood. As a matter of fact, a large number of people I know will tell me that their childhood sucked. I think spending too much time analyzing childhood feelings of abandonment, etc etc, obscures a very simple fact: the wayward had an affair because their boundaries were poor and because they wanted to. Healing starts from there.

Maritalbliss makes an excellent point -
Have you told him that you want these things?

How does the old saying go - "If you don't know where you're going, you'll probably get there?" Recovering WS's, regardless of their degree of remorse and willingness to improve the marriage, are not concurrently given the gift of ESP. If there existed communication issues before the A, the reconciliation process should include flattening those issues.

How you would choose to communicate your needs to your spouse would be based on your relationship. My wife and I used a number of media, depending on the nature of the subject to be transmitted. Sometimes one of us would just say, "I need a hug" which was a code for "I'm feeling nervous and scared." We would occasionally write notes (hardcopy or e-mail) bringing forward issues that were difficult to verbalize face-to-face. We even established a shared journal, which we could leave available for each other.

But whatever methods might work for you, you should use them to maintain absolute honesty and candor with each other - often and fearlessly.

The GREATEST healing tool is to create a romantic, passionate relationship to fill the vacuum in the marriage. The good feelings eventually outweigh the bad feelings.

Of course all of that is AFTER contact has ended because there will be no recovery until that happens.

I have told him but I don't think he understands. Our MC says that he may not be capable yet of the empathy needed to help me, but healing with him is better than healing alone.

We just finished an 8 week class at church based on the Love and Respect books, and he seemed to be getting some tools. I did too! However, yesterday at MC in response to my request that he listen to how I felt at times he said "guys just don't know how to talk like that. I don't know how." I was frustrated because we just spent 8 weeks learning how, and the facilitators thought that we did such a good job that they asked us to help in the next class!

Here is the example I brought up at MC. The other day when he asked me how I am, I answered "I am feeling really angry today because I am having to deal with consequences of what you did." He did not answer me. Nothing. Then later when our MC called to reschedule our time, he asked me what time was better, rescheduled and let me know when. Then he said he thought I should go alone so that she could help me.

Thanks for all your answers and advice.

D, does the counselor KNOW HOW to teach you to create a romantic, passionate marriage? I think its cute and winsome that he is going to IC, but that is a distraction from your real problems, your marriage. He could learn empathy by being taught the policy of joint agreement in Marriage Builders.

What is being done to restore your marriage to a state of romance? Does this counselor have a PLAN?

See, this is the kind of stuff that prevents you from falling in love and prevents your marriage from recovering. Going to a MC *TOGETHER* and lovebusting each other and having to hear about past mistakes is a disaster. That is not how marriages are restored. That is how you keep people angry, triggered and bitter. Couples in conflict who are counseled together leave the session more angry than when they arrived. That is not how the Harley's do it AT ALL. Not even close.

They don't counsel couples together except to give each person their lesson plan. When they are together, they don't allow them to criticize the other or drag out past mistakes. They are assigned lessons that all serve to create romantic love in the marriage. There is no loose talk about angry feelings, just a focus on solutions.

D&S, please try something different. The Harleys have a completely different approach in that it is behaviorally based, not feeling based. The differences in outcomes is astonishing. They don't believe in endless counseling sessions where time is wasted yapping about feelings. They focus on a PLAN. Check out this article:
How Dr Harley Learned to save marriages

Thanks Melody! Our MC had us focus on ENs and is encouraging us to work to meet each others. Which we are doing, although sometimes we do the two steps forward, one step back process.

I have a hard time meeting his need for physical attention because of the A. I found about 200 photos of him and the OW (she had emailed them, posted them on websites, etc) and they pop into my head constantly. My doctor has given me ADs, anxiety meds and ambien. He said I have a version of PTSD from the experience. I have NEVER looked at the photos since D-Day again; they are burned in my brain and just appear at the worst times.

My H is trying to meet my needs too. I can see his attempts and try to praise and thank him for them.

An update on my story:

In addition to her claims of harrassment at work, which got them BOTH fired for having an A, the OW tried to file restraining orders. My H fought them. Finally, after 9 months of court, the judge ruled there was no evidence. The judge called the OW a "practiced deceiver" who manufactured evidence. He also told her that her claims in her divorce that her H was a bad parent because he had looked at porn were nothing compared to her "consumption and creation" of pornography; she posted sexually explicit photos online and had online relationships and planned physical relationships with strangers. He told her if he were the judge in custody hearing for her preschool-aged child, he would not give her custody!

Finally, a voice of reason!

Well put by Mel. What it comes down to is a choice. You either choose to move forward or you choose to stay in the past. I chose not to give OW power over me or my M. My FWH made the same choice. We worked everyday at making each other happy instead of unhappy. When I made that choice that is when the healing began. We focused on improving the marriage, not trying to dissect the past. There is a quote "you can't change the past but you can change the ending". It was my FWH's actions everyday that helped me heal. What is your WH doing everyday to help you heal. Is he being there for you? Is he listening when you need to be heard? Is he doing things to please you that he never put effort into before? Most men are about actions - his actions may speak more than what comes out of his mouth. Are you paying attention to them? Or is he behaving in a way where you need more from him in terms of action and not words?

Gg

You ask a big question, d&s.

1. Time
2. Seeing that my H was truly remorseful
3. Seeing that my H did want to recover the marriage
4. Knowing that my desire to recover the marriage was strong enough to make it happen
5. Making a choice, every day, to face down whatever emotional strain challenge me that day, knowing that it was that ONE day I had to overcome, just that one single day, just today...only today.



6. Knowing that future together was better than a future apart.


7. Time.

He has been there for me, but not as much as I have needed. The past year after D-day was a legal mess with lawyers, court dates, constant new allegations, and other crazy behavior by the OW. It did prevent some healing. Now that it is over and we won, things are even better. We were both focused on not letting this crazy person, who was using everything she could legally and at work, to hurt us. We both were serious about being honest, even when she was willing to lie and cheat in court and with others. We won because of it, I am convinced.

He has been listening, and changing, over the past year. Is currently reading Love Busters. Talks to me about it. Is transparent, tells me bad news even when he knows that I won't want to hear it.

It's getting better, slowly. I am getting better, slowly.

We focus on the future and present mostly.

Great news about your court case, d&s! Now you can get onto recovery.

Have you read about the importance of 20+ hours per week of undivided attention? Per Dr Harley, this is the KEY to restoring romantic love in the marriage. He says his program does not work without it.

We did read about the time together!

Here is what we did last night - we gathered up a bunch of information about activities and events in our area for the next 6 weeks and then went out to dinner with them.

We took our Blackberry (me) and iPhone (him). We had yummy dinner on the waterfront outside, and went through all kinds of possibilities to do together, and planned some for the next 6 weeks. We tried to follow the POJA because we both tended to agree to activites the other one wanted, so we kept reminding ourselves that we both had to be enthusiastic about our choices. We did both agree to a couple of events that the other was more enthusiastic about, but the other person was enthusiastic about trying at least once!

This met a couple of my ENs and when we got home I enthusiasticly met his top need! That was also good.

Today is our first day of this! We have plans for about 4 hours!

Good job! If you do this religiously, you will find yourself IN LOVE.

Thanks! I can't wait to feel that way again! A year ago, I basically wanted to rip his face off every day. Today, I am better but would love to be IN LOVE and stay that way!!