I've written this many times in my head wanting to get it right. I have so many questions and concerns that is is a bit overwhelming. At first I came her to help deal with my infidelity but ended up learning so much more about marriage and relationships. It has been quite eye opening as I always considered myself the good (wife, daughter, mother,employee, etc.) No one was/is more suprised than I at this discrepency.

So here are the facts and I can expand when needed.
Me - WW 40yrs old
Him -BH 39
Married 14 years together 19
DD 9
DS 6
I began an EA with a former boyfriend which turned into a PA on 2 occassions. These required lots of deceit as he lives far away. I was able to do this easily as I had been previously "compartmentalizing" all aspects of my life. I now see myself as dishonest but rationaized it as being kind and saving other from themselves and my shortcomings. This was made even easier by OM telling me what a terrific wife and mother I was and how he didn't want to mess with that. "What they don't know won't hurt them." Right?
WRONG!

D day was 8 months ago and NC e-mail was sent with BH standing by. It was not as good as those on this site but we had no experience. I exposed to my family, friends, boss and pastor as well as anyone that would come in contact with BH and think he was grumpy or mean. He exposed to his family and friends. We also told our children age appropriate information although they heard a lot more as he worked through his anger.

I have since lived with the mantra "feelings follow actions." Unfortunately, having been in withdraw for a long time, my feelings are not returning at a rate acceptable to my BH. I realize from reading here that this is the ultimate betrayal and that I need to be patient. I feel like I am at the point of many of those on Marriage 101; however, since I am the betrayer, I don't feel as if I have the right to ask anything and I feel guilty about not feeling "in love" with BH

I feverently wish I had found this site BEFORE my affair. I had expressed my unhappiness and requested counseling but I didn't do it right and I took it too personally when he refused. Instead of cleaning up my side of the street, I withdrew and clearly had no boundaries in place to stop myself from doing the unthinkable.

Now you know the rest of the story.

I reacted to another post here because I am afraid to tell my BH that my feelings aren't there yet. Neither of us are good at being O&H and it would be quite a departure for us. I am trying by exampling but conflicts are frequent and I do feel guilty because I did wrong so I just want to make it all better.

Thank you in advance for any words of wisdom you can give.

Sunny

Are you in touch - IN ANY WAY - with the OM? You mentioned having feelings for him on the other thread, and that is usually a result of some type contact, whether it be email, phone or even scoping out his facebook page. Are you doing any of that? Please be honest.

I would start off with openess and honesty by telling your H you want to be passionately in love with him. Tell him that is missing from your marriage, but you know how to get that. I would then suggest going to a Marriage Builders weekend. It is the start of a year long program that is designed to create romantic love. They assign you a personal coach who contacts you every week with your lesson plans. She tracks your progress throughout the year. My H and I went to this weekend and it really does work.

The FASTEST and most effective way to create romantic love in your marriage is to get in the habit of spending 15-20 hours per week of UNDIVIDED ATTENTION meeting the top needs of affection, sexual fulfillment, converstation and rec companionship. That is the quickest way to go. Importance of Undivided Attention

Thank you both for responding so quickly

I will order the book. I think I have been resisting because I am affraid that he can't/won't be able to follow the radical concepts of POJA and avoiding LB's...I do realize that I just committed a DJ in that statment which is why I am going to order the book. Before this happened, I would have done anything to remain in my marriage...even during the affair, I never considered leaving, in fact, we openly discussed how that would never happen. My fear is that if I am honest, my marriage may end, but you are right, if I'm not honest then it isn't much of a marriage.

Melody...to answer your question, no, there has been no contact. He closed his FB page immediately on Dday and I followed shortly after. I have a huge problem of imagining romantic ideals in my head so I am trying to stop that. I actually thought the reality of meeting him after many years would end both of our romantic thoughts but it didn't. Logically I know that there is no reality involved. I just have practice thought stopping...or something. I will also look into the MB weekend thing. Funds are very tight right now (I know, cheaper than divorce). I would never have imagined him agreeing to that either but I am being proven wrong (in a good way) everyday so we'll see.

Again, thanks for your responses. I won't be on much this weekend. We are having a party for my MIL at our house. This will involve me and all members of his family...most of which probably know. I am trying.

I think you are at the right place and reading "Fall in love,stay in love" will help a lot.

This might help, I know it's more about memories than just thoughts and imaginings, but it does pretty good explaining how the brain works - and how to train it.

DITTO.
Plus you have access to Dr. Harley on the weekend forum for added counsel, this is for an unlimited time.

You will gain the knowledge and tools of how to protect your M, and head you in the direction of romantic love for your spouse!
My H and I went to one, it was a great help to us too.
I believe that there is one in May.

sunny,

The mind is a very interesting tool. You can actually use it to create feelings.

I have a saying, "What you think about, you talk about, and what you talk about, you think about."


The fact is that you are avoiding talking about your feelings with your husband.

I believe this is because you know that it would be another betrayal.

The sense of the loss of feelings is false. Somewhere inside of you, it is likely that you know this is true. The issue is likely more that you have decided that the emotional work that would need to be done to address these feelings, and the honesty involved in this process would be quite overwhelming to you.


You question if it might be easier to start over.


I would tell you that, no matter where you go or who you are with, your betrayal will be with you.


And you will have to address this whole issue, at some point in your life


openly and honestly.


To shift the blame for the "problem" to your husband is self-betrayal at its finest.



Read "Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of The Box" by the Arbinger Institute.

You will have the most eye-opening experience in your life, and you will FEAR NOT TALKING TO YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT YOUR LOVE FOR HIM. Because you will realize


this affair was, is, and always has been


ABOUT YOU.

SB

I'm back...

Thank you all for your responses and advice.

Vibrissa, I read Mark's thread and found it very helpful. I will admit to being resistent to believing that love is chemical and behavioral instead of the the "meant to be" feelings that I always attribute it to. (Yes too many fairy tales as a child).

I am looking into a Marriage Builder's Weekend. Unfortunately, after DDay, BH spent an inordinate amount of money on "toys" to make himself feel better and I wasn't feeling as if I were in a position to protest so our financial situation is a bit precarious at best.

Schoolbus, you are right on on your reponse on maybe it would be easier to start over and I am fighting that feeling. It is getting better with time and I do see hope.

The question I have now is, how do I sort out things that need repairing to have a great marriage and things that I have invented/rewritten to justify my affair? I will fully admit that I would not have considered leaving my husband now prior to this affair: HOWEVER, I was not convinced that I would remain married in my later years. I have watched my inlaws interactions and know that I do not want that. I want to make it better now that I know it is possible but I am not sure how to present that without him feeling as if I am rationalizing my affair.

I will have more questions coming so I appreciate your responses. I have been following Springchicken's thread as I seem to relate well so the advice there as been helpful.

Do try to get to a MB weekend despite all the help that can be provided here in the forums, the weekend will be MUCH more helpful.

As far as knowing what to fix - right now you need to repair the damage done to the relationship by the affair. Fixing what was wrong with the relationship will have to take a back seat. Dealing with that will make your BS feel you are justifying your affair.

Deal with the affair and put into place the MB principles (PORH, POJA, care and meeting needs) and you will have a safe, stable framework for addressing the areas that were lacking in your marriage before.

Deal with the affair and put into place the MB principles (PORH, POJA, care and meeting needs) and you will have a safe, stable framework for addressing the areas that were lacking in your marriage before.


Sorry I haven't learned how to put the quotes in the little box...Anyway, any sort of a time frame on this? I am trying not to rush but I feel like I boxed my feelings up for such a long time and now they are ready to come out. I don't want to hurt or overwhelm him anymore than I already have but I also don't want to go back to the way things were.

I think the Marriage Builders weekend is sounding more like a necessity.

I'm not sure as to a time frame. I know that recovery itself is slow and can take 2 to 5 years. A big factor in that is YOU as you're half the marriage.

Right now, your issues HAVE to take a back burner. You put yourself first during the affair, now you're going to have to put HIM first. Working on recovery and using the MB tools your issues will be addressed eventually.

Your focus right now needs to be on HIM and what HE needs to heal or in other words, on your MARRIAGE and what your MARRIAGE needs to heal. Not you - focusing on you got you into this mess. I promise that if you put into place the MB principles the things that got you here will be addressed in their own good time.

Your marriage was obviously not that great before your affair: it was a ship with a hundred little leaks, your affair dropped a cannonball into the bottom of it. You gotta patch up the hole from the cannon ball, fixing those little leaks will come after you've stopped taking in gallons of water.

It's going to be hard and you will have to do a lot of heavy lifting, but if the folks 'round here are any evidence you can have a BETTER marriage than you ever had - but it's going to take patience.

Do you journal at all? Writing can be a good way to get all this information out of you. Your DH probably isn't in a place right now when he can address it. When you're further into recovery you can go back to what you've written and see what needs to be done.

Journaling is a great idea! Not sure why I didn't think of that. I know that I am very impatient and have absolutely no right to be. I will try to slow down and breathe.

I do have another question though. My husband has made amazing wholesale changes. He was NEVER around and when he was he was always complaining about the way I do things. Now he is extremely helpful and encouraging. I am less stressed because I don't feel like everything is my problem. My concern; however, is that he seems to have changed everything about himself and I question whether or not he can possibly be happy. He does none of the activities that he previously lived for. I agree that being away 4 evenings a week and on weekends was too much but now he has seemingly no outside interests.

I have been completely transparent with my time and have even offered to have his mom come over to spend time if he is afraid of leaving me to my own devices so I don't think that is it.

I am worried he will resent me for all he has given up and I am not asking him to.

Any suggestions?

Me, me! I have a suggestion, pick me!

Replace "his" activities and "your" activities with new things that you both enjoy.

Make a huge list. Brainstorm all kinds of things. Classes, sporting activities, volunteer work, clubs. Put it all in the list. Then take turns knocking stuff off the list. At first, he'll knock off your stuff and you'll knock off his stuff, because you have been working a long time at cultivating different interests. But at the end you'll be left with 3 or 4 really strong candidates for recreational activities that you will enjoy together.

You know, in all honesty, several years ago I would have totally negated that solution. The funny thing was, we both would talk about how "healthy" our marriage was. The IB wasn't a big deal before kids because we each had our own things and time for each other. Then came the kids....he still did his own things and I became mommy of the year. I don't think I even realized that I missed it until my youngest became more independent. I felt like I had awoken out of a deep sleep.

I hope this works. I think it might as long as we use POJA and don't agree to anything we aren't enthusiastic about. Right now he is still so afraid of losing me that I am worried he will try to guess which activities I want and chose his accordingly.

I like the brainstorming idea...that will be fun in and of itself.

Thanks.

Making babysteps....played Wii together last night, after having a family dinner. Watched TV after the kids went to bed and did have SF even though I was exhausted. I enjoyed it.

I still like he is doing everything to please me and has huge expectations. I do better when he backs off just a little bit. Not sure how to tell him this without offending him.

"The IB wasn't a big deal before kids because we each had our own things and time for each other. "

IB out of control leads to affairs.

You complain that BH is spending too much quality time. That is your IB getting out of control.

During the affair would you of ever told the OM or felt that you were spending too much quality time with the OM?

No you were willing to grab all the time that you could possibly do.

Being open, willing to have his mom be with you to put BH's mind at ease.

You had PA with the OM because you were not happy with BH. Why don't you think the BH won't move mountains to meet your needs now?

A W and a H should be each other's best friends. Who does one spend their time with the most?

Activities and hobbies. Some are kept for a lifetime. Some come and go. Do not worry about what the BH is no longer doing. Enjoy what he is doing with you.

I have a good friend he's retired, I'm semi, we like to hang out together alot. His house, mine. Our wive's still work. When either W is off that day we usually don't get together. Each prefering to spend that day with our W's.

Lots of good points...thanks.

A couple of things I've asked myself honestly. One, about the OM, is it possible that it was someone far away who made it clear he liked his bachelorhood and valued his alone time BECAUSE I didn't want someone getting close.

Yes, I am still surprised that my BH is so intent on pleasing me now as I felt as if I tried everything over the years (aside from leaving or having an affair). I guess I feel like I had already left.

Question... when your wives are retired, do you think you will spend as much/some/any time at all with your good friend?

I've been getting a lot of good advice here. I have been reading other threads as well and ruminating on many other things. I may have to begin a thread on Marriage 101 to address this issue but based on recent responses from Turtlehead and TheRoad, I thought I would give it a go here as well.

I do no want to rewrite history and I honestly don't think I am doing that (but still foggy). As I read through these articles, I think I have had a misguided view of marriage from the get go. I do believe I was initially a "Buyer"; however, I think I believed that entailed a lot more IB than it should have.

Let me explain. My BH has an activity that is his life. He works in a field that directly involves this activity and has done so since he was 18. He began this activity as a child strictly on his own with no prodding from friends or parents. When we began dating, I willingly engaged in this activity because I wanted to be with him. I did not particularly enjoy it. It involves cold weather, lots of uncomfortable equipment and clothing, dealing with situations I feel out of control or in danger. I am not particularly good at it either. Nevertheless, I continued to do it and now encourage my children to do it. (They seem to really enjoy it.) It takes up a lot of time and money. I don't think he would be happy engaging in it only part time as this would inhibit his skills and make it less fun. It never occurred to me to ask him to limit this or give it up, I don't even think I was particularly resentful. I think I've always believed that would be a dealbreaker and was okay with that. I figured since he developed this desire before I came along and on his own fruition that it must be a part of who he is.

Now, to me.....I don't really have an IB activites since having kids. I have hobbies and such but I put them aside as necessary and don't mind; however, when I was thinking about IB's I did start to think about my relationship with my friends. When I develop friendships, they are profound and lasting. I have 3 "best friends. We've been friends 30, 28 and 24 years respectively. I cannot imagine life without them. They are all married and have families and so it is not a problem balancing them. What TheRoad said about my husband being my best friend hit me though because he is not.

I guess what I'm asking is this, I can see how his very involved activity and my very close friendships could be taking away from our marriage; however, I can't see either of us being able to give them up and or limit them significantly. I know Dr. Harely talks about giving up hunting for his wife; however, my husband has stated he would not do this and quite frankly I would feel dreadful asking him. We both knew these things about each other before we got married....this is fundamentally who we are...should that really change for someone else? Would I teach my children to do that for their significant other?

Sorry if this is long...I just feel like I misunderstood for so long and am now worried it is too late. Marriage Builders should be a requirement prior to getting married.