Shucks, Believer, thanks.

Thank-you so much...and thanks turtle head for your last reply...it's exactly what I was getting at by only hearing advice from one or two ppl. and trusting it to help with my life! and after seeing the replies on here that support eachothers comments and advice I do feel better and it's not that any of you have not made sense...if anything some of what ppl have said was too perfect and matched what was going on in my life to make it believable! Again, accept my appreciation for all that is donated to me in order to help me through this one way or another. Well I'm off to meet with the family sans the WW. Big smile is on for the camera and kids! Happy Easter to you all!

So after talking to a mutual friend of my WW and mine I found out that she apparently broke down abit with our friend. She apparently said that at this point it is purely an emotional attraction to the OW and that apparently the OW is supposedly pushing forward for more of a relationship I guess. I don't understand how someone who has met the husband, hangs out with the kids, see that it's tearing a family apart is ok with this and tries to sink her teeth deeper into my WW? My WW also stated that she misses her home and all the amenities as we just finished a major renovation which includes a nice big brand new kitchen that she designed. I don't understand then if it sounds like she isn't into the relationship as much as the OW and she misses home why she would run the risk of throwing it all away as I have stated to the friend I'm not sure what will happen if we get back together. For example whether I can ever trust her or love her the way I should as a husband. She supposedly talks about that if she were to come home that would be "the easy way out" which I guess she is refering to just coming home and not dealing with things and she would be giving in to me. But I said to our friend that it would not be the easy way out as my WW has a lot to prove to me and trust to regain as well as she has yet to seek counseling for herself and these issues she talks of. I guess she feels it would be the easy route for me? but none of this has been easy and it's not going to be anytime soon. Does this sound like she's waking up a bit? Do I continue with Plan A still? I had a great Easter w/e with the kids they had fun. My WW picked them up on Sunday to take them to her family dinner which I wasn't invited to for the first time in 18yrs as the OW was there...surprise surprise. 51/60 days together and counting...just a friend for support though and I've only met her once.

I don't know if I would say "She's waking up".
But, she certainly sounds conflicted about her situation.
Uncertain if she's headed down the right path, etc.





Most certainly, yes.
Plan A has probably helped stir up conflict within your WW.

What Pep said.

So my WW who needs her time away and separation to figure out whether she needs me or loves me still keeps asking me to do stuff for her for example pick up prescriptions for her, change the tires on her van etc. Is it part of plan "A" to keep doing these things for her? Even though she has just spent the last 2 wks living with the OW? Still wont see an therapist etc? And is it still suppose to hurt so much still? It feels like it has been an eternity already that she left and has been doing this. She admitted fully that she is having an affair but it still seems like she justifies it cause of "how she was treated: all these years. She also stated that when she turned 30 she realized she had made some big mistakes in her life..."she was only 15yrs old and trying to get out of her parents home" and this is true...we spent many w/e's in my room her balling her eyes out about how her mom treated her and my comforting her, my parent hooking her up with a therapist and paying for it etc....could this be the mistakes she's talking about or perhaps settling for me and never having dated anyone else? I tried to break up with her when we were young so she could see others but she would cry uncontrollably and want to get back together. I cant figure it out!!!!

Sounds like things are going well. Yes, keep doing things for her and showing her the man she fell in love with. You need to continue on your best behavior and meet what needs she will let you. If it doesn't knock her off the fence, then it will be time for Plan B.

Thanks...it's so hard to do things for her when she is hurting me so much...i kinow I still love her deep down but at times it seems like it will be impossible to forgive her and love her the way i use to so much. I hope this pain goes away its worse than when I lost my parents unexpectently.

If it feels like it is too much, then you need to go to Plan B. Sometimes it helps to set a date in your mind. For instance, tell yourself that you are going to stay in Plan A until Fathers Day.

Are you still spending time with your kids?

yes i am spennding as much time as possible which is not sitting well with my WW as she feels "I'm telling her when she can have them and can't have them" b/c i said i would take them during the week when im off and we wouldnt have to rely on her parents and she could have them on the weekend when shes off. but then that cuts into her going to toronto to stay with the OW. however i will not look after the kids for her to carry on like this. So while i have had the kids for the past two weeks she has been living with the OW at her appartment. and when she did have the kids the OW has been with her...which my son is now starting to complain about but of coarse according to my WW I'm feeding im negative things about her. Which i'm not. I cant set a date cause then i'd have to follow through with it and i'm not ready to give u on her yet......

You are doing very well and seem to have a natural ability to do the right thing. Of course you shouldn't be watching the kids while wife is out playing with the OW.

Its amazing to me that he parents aren't waking up.

Well I'm really starting to understand why my father in laws parents disowned him for many years until my WW was born as it appears they didn't approve of him marrying my mother in law as she is very controling and stubborn. It has become apparent why they are the black sheep of the family. They rarely do stuff with the rest of the family and have caused a fair amount of termoil in the family regarding money and inheritance and the grand parents are even close to dying. My WW is actually spending time at the zoo with the kids today and a mutual friend...although the mutual friend will not answer as to whether the OW is there too...my son always tels me when shes around so I will know regardless. I'm wondering do i make the affair public at my WW's work? This will also disclose to them that the OW is a lesbian as nobody there knows this except for my WW? I'm not even sure if ppl there know we are spearated! Do I just start telling ppl? Anybody that asks in public I always tell them that my WW hass left me and is having an affair, should I start telling cousins, aunts, uncles etc too? I don't want to make her out to be a bad person as I still feel she is kinda depressed and making poor choices.

Yes, exposure is part of Plan A. You can write a letter to their HR to let know about the affair that is splitting up your family and asking them what they plan to do. Some employers will take action and some won't. But affairs are really bad for workplaces.

Also the exposure tends to take the glamor and secrecy away.

I'm not sure how that will work as they are both teachers at a small pubilc school. I know the principle a little, however I think she may be a lesbian too. The secretary I know as well but I have been told by my son that she writes nasty texts about me to my WW. So I'm worried she probably knows "all the bad stuff" about me and therefore I'm again the "big bad husband". I'm affraid that by exposing the OW "lesbian secret" will turn my wife against me and hate me. I'm so scared to do this as I'm affraid it will push her farther away from me.

Exposure is a key point of plan A. If you think the principal might be biased, expose to the district. There is no need to bash the OW for being gay, just let them know that the affair is breaking up your family.

No I have no intentions of bashing the OW's sexuality, could care less. The principle is a friend of my WW so perhaps if I speak with her and see what she knows and let her know the details and talk about how this has also been going on at work as I can prove that they have been texting back and forth when they sould be teaching. Like I said before I'm so scared of driving my WW further away.

Everyone is afraid of driving their spouse away. But you marriage can survive her anger, but might not survive the affair. Oh, I'm certain the affair will end, but YOU might be done with her by then. That is the biggest danger.

Torsade, how much further away could she go?
She's living somewhere else, with someone else.

Exposure is your single best tool for breaking up the affair.

Dr. Harley on Exposure: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2266646#Post2266646

I see...they only thing I'm really not sure as far as trying to explain to my 9 yr old son is that his mom is with another woman. I plan to try and talk to my WW's principle and see what she knows and get her up to speed and see what she plans and if I'm not satisfied go to the board as I can prove they have been texting for some time on company time.