I know a thing or two about the "heart" of a WW. You are still emotionally addicted to your OM (that is the "heart" problem here). The ONLY way to break this is via COMPLETE & PERPETUAL NC with OM. Then, you can start getting your heart where your head is (and where it SHOULD BE)...which is with your BH and your marriage.

TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER WRITTEN.

It's the lying, deceit, and cover-up/CYA'ing that kills the marriage far more efectively than even an affair does.

]


That is cute and winsome, but we are grown ups here. If you are old enough to drive a car you are old enough to know not to "follow your heart." That is silly teenager nonsense. Of course you don't "follow your heart." If you have feelings that are stupid, a big girl puts those feelings aside.

spring, NC is the only way. You cannot see him again. Yes, you will cry. You will feel an aching hole. You will want to look for his car at Wal Mart. It will take everything you have not to relive the experience. But you will replace those thoughts. You will dry your tears. You will throw yourself into working on your marriage. You will turn away from the thoughts of the OM. And then you will notice that the ache is less, the tears haven't come in awhile, and your H is waaaay more with thinking about than OM ever was.

Don't trust your feelings. Fix your gaze squarely on what is right. And do it. Every day. I PROMISE that you will never ever regret doing what is right.

Spring,

Every emotionally-addicted WS feels EXACTLY like the above. It is normal at the time. They are enslaved by their feelings and are sure that 'following their heart' is the only path to future happiness and and it is 'hopeless' to reconnect with their BS.

This is NOT TRUE. Don't fall for the siren song of personal destruction.

I urge you to take ACTION. You know the actions you need to take. ACTIONS PRECEDE FEELINGS.

Your feelings for the Om will dissapate and you will regain them with your BH...where they should always have been in the first place.

SC,

even the thought of giving him up makes me cry. I could barely work today without sobbing at the thought of it. It's crazy. Please tell me that this is normal and that I can re-connect with my husband again. I need some hope.

Twice the crying took place with my wife over OM1 and OM2, it was a long time ago, but she is in love with me now. So it is possible.

At that time I was really stupid though, I just sucked it up and went to work everyday, all the while I felt utterly empty and worthless inside.

You will need to plan A yourself, but plan A is impossible with the colossal lies you are living now.

One question, can you imagine yourself with your husband holding onto these lies 2 years from now, 5? 10?

God Bless
Gamma

Sc


Ok, I will tell you. It is normal. You are addicted to a variant of the reward brain chemical dopamine. The infatuation variant is called PEA, or phenylethylamine. This is the chemical that gives you extra energy, feelings of euphoria, excitement and all that stuff about which you are well acquainted.

Eventually the chemical quits being produced either during continued contact or after no contact, and the latter is quicker. Ever hear of the seven year itch? This means that the infatuation has died and now what.

A few rare people can sustain it forever. And that is with reinforcement. Without contact, it dies out way quicker and you wake up one morning and go, OMG! Yea, like that. Then you understand the coyote ugly joke way better.

How quick? Depends on the individual. And it depends on if it is a good infatuation or a bad one. A bad one is affair based because of all the betrayal and lying that goes on, both what you say and what you think. And what you hear from the snake OM that violates common sense. Of even more importance is that you are projecting on the other person who you want them to be instead of who they really are. It is not uncommon for affairees to be lying their teeth off to each other so they get to maintain their fix.

Even with contact, you are likely to wake up one less than fine morning and go uh oh, what the blank have done? Might be a few months or a few years down the road.

Last time I was infatuated, it took me six weeks to figure out the woman was a snake. I bailed (yes it hurt) and it was about six weeks before I felt good and four months before I was completely dried out and no reaction when I thought about her, which became increasingly rare. One sorta, maybe, rule is that the time of withdrawal is about equal to the length of the infatuation. I have no scientific basis to hang that on.

Problem is that PEA can be reignited at a later date for a shorter period of time. That is the way dopamine works. High School Reunions are famous for starting affairs that go nowhere except an emotional train wreck.

Continued contact OF ANY SORT will continue to reinforce and withdrawal is tough, really, really tough. This is why it is supremely important for no contact, to hasten the demise of the dopamine PEA production in the brain. When it stops being produced, it is over. Dead as a hammer.

Dr. Harley's concept of falling in love and staying in love is based on inducing the production of PEA dopamine in the brain for both parties who follow his program. It really works. It really, really works. I mean to the point where you are now and trust me, EVEN BETTER! Why, because there is no guilt to get in the way of a good time by all.

And if you keep up with his program, you keep getting the dopamine fix indefinitely instead of however many years then Poof!

Hope the scientific explanation helps.

Larry

Larry, that really does help. The OM I suppose is my drug of choice and I imagine that like any addict I am using him to mask some other problem in my life. And, like any other drug, you gradually develop an immunity to it, and that is probably when you have your "WTF was I thinking moment".

I also liked SDCW's reference to a siren song. I feel like the OM is my Medusa and the urge to look is so powerful.

The solution to an addiction is complete and total abstinence. That is why you have never withdrawn and the reason your marriage has never recovered.

Lurioosi2, I need to memorize your comment because it gives me hope. I just need to learn how to replace my thoughts.

ML, nobody who has an addiction behaves responsibly. However, I appreciate the tough love. Harsh, but true.

NO!

Addicts use drugs because they like the HIGH.
I am a recovering drug addict with over 25 years of clean time.
I did NOT use drugs because I had other problems in my life!
I drank and used drugs because I liked how they made me feel!

It's really not that complicated.

And it's not that complicated to make the right choices either!

Why, yes they do. Behaving irresponsibly is always a choice. People with addictions make responsible choices every day. And a grown woman knows better than to "follow her heart."

The "characteristics" of an affair are SIMILAR to that of a drug addiction.....

Don't confuse them as the same things!

And don't use the EXCUSE that you were not responsible for your choices and behavior!

Well, close and a good analogy. From a science POV, it just stops being produced. But after a period of time, it can be reignited. Second time around, it doesn't last as long.

Rational thought helps too, which is why I try to spread the word on what it is. Kinda ruins the mystery.

Larry

And SC, remember my example. I was infatuated. Full blow "In LUVE" and I bailed. And it wasn't even an affair, but it sure as heck wasn't good for me. Not as bad as an affair, but bad.

And I totally agree, don't use it as an excuse.

Larry

I've been reading this post and needed to respond. As a WW, what I can't understand is the lack of responsibility my BS feels for the A. If our marriage were a good and happy place, then I would not have looked outside the M to find my happiness. We've talked and argued about the OM, and while I hear this talk about "fog," I believed that he was and is my soul mate. The pain of NC is unbearable and I don't think that I can sustain it. I've agreed to MC for my husband, but why? He's not changing. I don't believe that my kids will suffer and I think that the outing is barbaric. Why should Springchicken quit her job? That's insane, especially in this economy. This isn't a fairy tale. This is reality. Maybe I'm just feeling that if the marriage were the right place for me, this wouldn't have happened. If springchicken were happy in her marriage, this wouldn't have happened. I believe that there is plenty to be said for following your heart. Kids are resilient and simply need to be loved by their parents - who don't necessarily have to live under the same roof. Why force 2 people to be together when apparently, they've grown apart?

lostinspace2,

You did a great job picking your screen name. Very apt choice.

Lost in space is apt, I agree.

Kids are resilient. Yea, they survive. And they watch their role models. They see everything.

Anyway, why don't you start your own thread. Before you do that, go read a couple of posts under Notable Posts. And please, realize that you are in the "Fog" of an addiction.

Your brain is infested with chemicals that distort your vision and muddle your thinking.

I can prove that, but not to the addled until the spell diminishes and they face the falsehood of their fantasy and the train wreck they have made out of the lives of everyone around them including themselves.

You are not unique. Not be a long shot. Just messed up and don't know it. And every word you have said, every ... single ... word ... has been said before, many times and those who have said them, end up regretting every word.

And I know for a fact that you don't even believe what you are saying in that deep, dark place where you really live.

The worst lie ever told is the one you tell yourself.

Larry

SC


Since I am holding forth from the science lab, let me just totally agree with TST.

SC, it is obvious you don't understand addictions. The addict is getting something FROM the substances or thing that is addicting, they ain't running from anything. Where on earth did you pick up that doggerel you were talking about?

When you get an infatuation, you are getting pleasure from the infatuation, a natural high.

Never mind that an infatuation is based on an unreal picture of who the other person is. See, a really good infatuation is when you project onto that other person all of your expectations and they project back to you. You both lie your face off to prove you are who the other one wants. It is all about getting your high from your addiction. Your drug fix.

And the biggest dang lies are the ones you tell yourself.

Get it?

Larry

Spring,

Let me say this first as a preface: I applaud and commend you for coming here, admitting your affair, and facing your issues. You have shown far more courage than the vast majority of wayward spouses do. I wish my then-WW would have done half of what you have.

You, because of the brain chemicals and emotional state you are in right now, can�t see the forest for the trees. Let me give you two OUTSIDE-LOOKING-IN perspectives [tough love here] :

The first is from the viewpoint of the BS. I was, like your husband, a BH. My wife cheated on me just like you cheated on him (to your credit, you have shown FAR more honesty and introspection than she ever did). I can tell you personally that you have devalued, disrespected, violated, and hurt your husband FAR MORE than you can possibly fathom at this point. You probably think all the standard WW rationalizations (�he doesn�t care anyway�, �he didn�t pay enough attention to me�, �I can�t help how I feel�, etc., etc., yada, yada, yada�) This is all NONSENSE and irrelevant. You have and are continuing to hurt your husband and kids in horrible ways that you would never ever want done to you. Do you get that???? I feel more empathy for this man, whom I do not even know, than you do right now�.and that should BOTHER YOU.

The second is from a neutral 3rd-party observer. Do you realize how freakin� INSANE you are acting? Even putting aside the obvious moral and emotional transgressions involved here? Do you really think it is a good and wise idea in the long-term to destroy your character, your marriage, and your children to indulge some silly school-girl infatuation with a man 15 years younger than you? Are you nuts??? Do you really think this OM is gonna give a crap about you after he�s bored with the hot, secretive sex? Is he really someone you would consider dating if you were single and emotionally-stable right now? Do you really think there is a serious �future� here with someone who is clearly using you? Do you really think that a man who would knowingly cheat with a married-woman is a good and honorable man worth having? Hello!!!!! Please wake up!!!!!!

I am trying to resist the temptation to too badly here, but please understand how hurtful and selfish you are being to those who LOVE YOU. You will start FEELING BETTER after you start DOING BETTER!

�Following your feelings, in the absence of your values and standards, is the surest road to personal ruin.�
--Dr. Gary Chapman