Hi Starving,

Years ago my ex H's new wife started calling me like she wanted to start up some type of friendship. One night she called me and and during the conversation I said something like, "Listen, EX is out of my life now and my life is very calm and peaceful. I really like it like that. I can not control what you and ex do when children are with you and can only set a good example and provide the type of environment I want them to have in my own household, and then hope you 2 do the same in yours. I am not trying to be rude but the kids are old enough to communicate when their games are, school events, etc and I hope you will respect this and not call or write me again."

When I see them, I politely say hi to both of them as a couple and not individually. If I see them separatly then I say a quick hello and no chat. Now my boys are young men and I know I made the right choice to keep the communication as small as possible with her and the ex. They have told me several times how my house is peaceful and their dad's house is full of hate, fighting and anger. Little by little they stayed away from his house and wouldn't even visit, and my ex and his wife became very little influences in their lives.

I wonder if I would have let her suck me into this so called friendship if I would have also got sucked into their fights and both of their chaotic life all over again.

I really don't believe in the "let's all be best friends for the children's sake", instead I believe that your children need to know that you will be polite to them both but you will also set your own boundaries as to how much you will allow them both in your life and you will not be a hypocrit and overly friendly to either party.

A

W8ing and Anna,

Taks for chiming in. W8ing, you asked questions about how I communicate "face to face" and on the phone. My answer is no I don't and I know it's not good. I did see OW at my children's school play and I though I didn't speak to her directly, I spoke to the group. She emailed and asked if I wanted pictures and I said "yes, thank you very much". Not much in the way of positive interaction, but better.

Anna,

I liked your response. My life IS peaceful and happy, and it has taken me a long time to get here. That might be a good thing to say, but only if pressed. I will speak politely to OW the next time I see her. I'll just thank her for the pics and move on.

Well I saw OW today at the park and said hello. Before I even got home, she had written an email saying that I made her so happy and that if I could forgive her it would be a huge step towards HER healing.

How nice for her

Just keep up your "Poise Practice"

Thanks for the smile lildoggie! It was huge for me to speak to her and I was thinking OK I said 2 words that wasn't so hard. But now we're best friends I guess.

She talked about forgiving herself. She also encouraged me to respond to her email, but I didn't.

We all had to forgive ourselves for marrying bozos didn't we? And letting them father/mother our children? I started to try and explain. None of the responses I could think of sounded anything but snide, and I've already told her several times that, when it comes to her, there is nothing to forgive.

Anna, I tried your response too, because I liked it, but I couldn't get the wording right. It seems that if I just keep following everyone's advice and responding only to logistical questions that she'll figure it out. But hey, I said hello!

If you can stand XH, tell him that he needs to deal with the kids with you, rather than letting anyone else take that responsibility. That in and of itself could do a great deal in terms of helping along the lines of the open tensions between you and OW.

Thanks BOTM. I usually only deal w/ExH on kid issues. OW is the stepmother though, and I have to assume she'll be around.

She emailed me again a couple of days ago to invite my children to OCs b-day party. The party isn't for almost two months, and my children have always attended OCs b-day parties unless we are out of town. It just so happens that the children will be out of town that whole week at a lacrosse tournament WITH ex-H! So I guess OWs husband isn't going to be at the b-day party either. I sent a one sentence reponse saying that she was nice to check, but that kids will be in DC that week.

It seems she is looking for excuses to contact me, but if I only repond to direct questions and keep the answers short, she will get the message that we aren't going to be new best friends.

Oh for the love of God. Starving. Listen. There is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping certain people who are toxic or not good for you at a LONG arms length.

Our society believes that everyone should be accepted, forgiven..blah, blah. I think it helps create the totally superficial, two faced culture that we really are today. It is not like this in many, many societies in the world. I think there is a certain truth that goes a long with that.


We do not have to like eveyone we meet, work with or know. It is simply NOT in our make up. We have instinctual safegaurds that guide us, but we seem to deliberately squash these down, think that they are "wrong" to show a good face in public. blah.

This dumb a$$ woman is not your family, nor your friend.
She still to this day is occupying too much of your time and effort.

She took something of yours that at that time you valued FROM you , without hesitation. She is still looking to take something from you -your forgivenes. She still wants something from you- your friendship. You would not be a bad person for ignoring,disregaurding/ being disinterested in her, or her problems or marriage.

In fact, I think polite disinterest (of people that have or will take advantage of you) is 'prolly the healthiest thing you can teach your children!

Notice, at no time did I say fight with this woman. That is the oposite of disintrest. Please do yourself a favor and disengage. React to her no more or no less than someone you just met...someone you just met who slightly smells.

***giggle***

Barbie: Thanks for the harsh yet gentle wake-up call! You are right...she is taking up too much of my time, and I won't be talking about OW any more! When she last emailed me about the b-day party, I told BF abut it, saying why is she doing this? Do you think it's weird? He said just what you said, yes, it's weird, but why do you need to worry about it? Well, I don't and from here on out, I won't.

Anna, I read about your break-up, and I am sorry. Sure sounds like you did the right thing letting him go.

I agree...I try to be polite, but don't feel it necessary to respond to anything/everything just because someone else wants me to. My XH's OW has left voicemails on my phone telling me to call him (we have no children together, no need for further contact) and I just ignore them. She wanted him, she's got him, and I can live without their drama.

very well said. I don't know how I didn't think of that earlier given my lifestyle. Either way, props to barbiecat. Starving, sounds like you've handled this situation beautifully, now you can make the exH work for you as he can't use his puppet any more.

Starving..I think you are doing a great job. My WH is still with the OW. They live out of state, and my WH will be coming to visit the kids in a couple of months. My fear is that the OW will tag along during this visit. The kids mentioned when their dad comes, they will sleep at Auntie's (SIL). I definitely don't want the kids exposed to OW sharing a bed with their dad. Hello..we aren't even divorced yet! After repeatedly asking WH not to have the OW around the kids (at least until we're divorced), he kept doing. This was one of the reasons I moved back to my hometown.
I know once we get divorced they will marry, but I hope I'm as good as you are at dealing with the OW.
Keep up the good work and God bless.

If anyone should have included OW in the conversation it should have been ex-h. You owe her nothing but civility. As your children get older, they will understand any tension between you and OW and can end up respecting your behavior or being ashamed of it - right now you're giving them a lot of reasons to respect you!!!