I know I'm pathetic but how long until the withdrawal of my addiction to the OM ends? I have a pit in my stomach and feel like throwing up.
My husband threatened the hell out of him and exposed him and it ended (actually it had ended earlier).
And, why did it happen in the first place. Hubby and I had been married for 23 years, just emptied our nest and I felt myself wanting to make a really distructive choice and not caring about the consequences.
Has this happened to anyone else?
We are now in MC and IC and hubby is doing everything right. Why did I do this to such a wonderful man?

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

When was your last contact with the OM? Have you ended all contact with him? Is he married and has his wife been told?

a couple weeks ago. Yes, but I teach in the same building as him, so I see him everyday, but we dont' talk. He's moving to another building next year. No, his wife has not been told.

Ok, you will be in a state of perpetual withdrawal until you stop working with him altogether. Your marriage will never recover as long as you see him at work every day. Moving to another building will not solve that problem. So, if you want your marriage to survive the first thing will be to leave that job.

And his wife needs to be informed what you and the OM have done to her behind her back. She can't very well protect herself from you and her H if she doesn't know. Eveyrone should know about the affair; your family, children, friends, everyone. The more people who know, the more people to hold you accountable.

So actually you saw your lover LAST FRIDAY at work?

Can you ask your husband to sign up and post to us?

Your husband did not tell your other victim, the OM's wife? Why not?

OM would probably be kicked out of the house if his wife knew.
We ended it so he wouldn't lose his boys and I could get back to my marriage and figure out what was wrong.

Yes, I see him everyday but we don't talk and I'll see him maybe twice yearly when he moves to another building.

I see, so the idea is to LIE to his wife so you both can trick her into staying with him? It doesn't get much more cruel and manipulative than that, does it? How will the wife protect herself and her boys from you and her H if she doesn't know?

Does the wife get any say in her own life? What if she would to choose NOT live with a liar and a cheater? Shouldn't that be her choice? By not telling your victim what you have done, you have DENIED her the right to make decisions about her own life. How noble of you..


That is contact. And you will never withdraw this way. This will be an on again, off again affair for YEARS.

Can you please ask your husband to sign up and post to us?

This makes your deceit doubly cruel. You and your lover KNOW the OM's wife would not want to live with him if she knew so you decieve her so she will not be able to make that decision. That is manipulation and cruelty of the highest order. To lie and trick someone into staying in a marriage like they are some sort of pet on a leash. That is sick, sick, sick...

So was your husband ignoring you? Or not meeting your emotional needs?

Kathylee,

I see the problem even if you don't. It is right in the middle of this single post. Actually there are several problems some of which have been pointed out to you. Permit me to quote what you said.
Problem one, you will be in withdrawal until you quit lying for your OM. You will be in withdrawal until you can actually face his W and tell her what you have done to her family. And yes your OM did it to, and will probably do it to her yet again. My bet is you are not the first notch on his bed post.

I really like this because here is the problem. You are lying. YOu did not end it to figure out what was wrong with your marriage. You know what is wrong...YOU are having an affair and saw nothing wrong with destroying your marriage. You still don't really do you? You really broke up because OM wanted to cover his butt and not lose your marriage but neither of you cared for your marriage. Neither of you broke it off because you felt it was wrong or that you should respect your spouses did you? You broke it off to protect OM.

You have already been told that this will only increase your withdrawal.

Kathy, your withdrawal will not weaken until YOU see and mean really see the error of your ways and remove OM from your life and that means NEVER seeing him again. You will not get out of this fantasy until YOU face the reality that you are responsible for basically harming another woman and her children. You are also responsible for when she gets an STD from one of OM's lovers perhaps you, perhaps a new one, perhaps an old one. This woman and her children are defensless because of you being so cowardly as to allow her to unknowingly be exposed to SDT's that could kill her or even be transpmitted to her children.

You are apparently an empty nester, but she has childre to rear and you are risking their health.

Please don't tell me "he has never done this before and has sworn that he won't again." We know that is a lie. You are willing to do it again apparently, that is why you are in withdrawal from a man that cheats on his W.

Please read this carefully a few times and I think you will see where the problems lie in your withdrawal. You are lying to yourself, to your H and clearly to OM's W by omission.

Think, read, ask lots of questions.

JL

"Yes, I see him everyday but we don't talk and I'll see him maybe twice yearly when he moves to another building."

This is not going NC.

This is why you will never go through withdrawal.

This is why you will have to leave this school district.

Leave this district, lose pension time, health benefits, start over lower on the pay scale at a new district, maybe sub for a year or two before full time tenure track position comes up. What am I crazy to tell you to do these things?

No you are crazy to not realize that without NC many an affair restarts. Many a WW has her recovery stall because she still sees the OM.

Do you want to stay stalled pining for the OM?

Was the OM worth losing all of this? Whether he was or wasn�t you decided to dance and now the band has to be paid.

You staying fogged up is making your BH pay the band when you were the one that got to dance.

Also forgot this

The OMW must be told. Something that you and you BH can do together.