i know this has been a topic of conversation before- but do i tell her? i have proof, they have 2 kids both 9 and 7. i suspect she has an idea - do i tell her to releive her anxiety? or do i let nature take its course?<BR>the d is on- or is it just revenge.<P>my confusion stops me from doing anything<BR>any replies would be helpful<P>thanks, you guys help keep me sane.

I vote for telling. I have always felt that once the truth is known the affair loses some of its power and mystique. <BR>On a personal note, I wish that someone would have told me! No one did, and there were plenty of opportunities. I have a lot of anger stored up for those people since discovery!! <BR>The wife has a right to know what is going on. At least she can protect herself from std's.

If your proof is ironclad, I'd tell in a heartbeat. <P>People in affairs lie constantly. So the OM wife is probably semi-puzzled as to whether she has guessed correctly about the affair.<P>I wouldn't supply significant details - just enough to say the proof is ironclad.<P>Paul

Tell the wife.

Tell the wife. I praise God and will be eternally grateful for the "Angel" that called me anonymously. <P>If I hadn't found out I wouldn't be 8 months into the recovery (I hope that is what we are in?) stage. <P>Tell her. She may be able to save her marriage. <P>Make sure you don't do it out of revenge for your own sake. <P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Tell her right now. <P>Do it for the sake of her children who's father is risking their mother's health with his promiscuity. <P>Do it for the children who's dad might be squirreling away money to keep assets from them in case he decides to leave his family "high and dry." <P>Do it so the kids can immediately get counselling to get them thru this - whichever way the outcome goes - they will need to forgive and move on and hopefully have a healthy relationship with their dad. <P>The adults are adults and will handle this matter, but the kids are the innocent victim's of their father's lack of character and they need to be protected.

I agree - tell her. Wish someone had told me earlier.<P>Lori

Thats a grave responsibility! I would try and find someone who knows her well, like her emotional stability, and have them tell her. I wouldn't want to be responsible for telling an unstable person such devastating news. I have vacillated on the issue if all was done again if I'd want to even know. That sounds stupid I know but in hind sight my life ended and then began again totally different. I wouldn't want to live a lie but I sure wish I didn't have all of the gorey details. She needs to know, but I'd be real careful in the process.<P>------------------<BR>eyes wide open<BR>

I face the same problem. I don't know who the OW is but can find out if I want to. My problem is once her H knows, I don't know if that person is violent and might try to hurt my H or storm into his office and lose him his job, which would hurt my kids. Then, since the OP don't have any kids, the OW's H might leave her and make her freer and easier access for my H. Right now, if he wants to continue, it is very difficult, expensive and a guilt-ridden thing for him to do, even tho he doesn't seem to want to stop. It's a tough call; I can definitely see how it might blow up in your face if the other spouse says "that's it, I'm out of here", leaving the other cheater free. In my case, I intend to take everything that she gives my H away from her, and it seems to work because my H is beginning to be affectionate and intimate with me again.<P>Be careful - take care.

I called the OM's W and she already knew for 3 months. I wish she had called me then. <P>It is possible though that there could be an unstable person on the other end of the phone, in which case your call probably won't help. I think she has aright to know and it may help your cause. The downside risk is small. JMHO

covenant,<P>I'd suggest that you discuss this with your wife, and use the "Policy of Joint Agreement" to come to a resolution. It demonstrates that you still care about your wife, and are willing to show respect to her under less than ideal conditions.<P>If you have incredibly strong moral convictions to tell her, than I still suggest that you first discuss this with your wife, but then let her know what you plan to do.

I agree with K...

I contimplated telling the OW H for quite a while. Fortunately I know him, and know that he can be a loose cannon (she has done this to him before and he went nuts). So I held off and decided not to,and gathered all the evidence I could on my own. As the story goes, the OW H did find out and went nuts and CONFRONTED my husband on our front lawn! Since then I have been in contact with the OW H several times to keep a "check" on things. It is good to have someone else keeping a close eye on things! I usually felt better after talking with him about them, since he understands how I feel.

I contimplated telling the OW H for quite a while. Fortunately I know him, and know that he can be a loose cannon (she has done this to him before and he went nuts). So I held off and decided not to,and gathered all the evidence I could on my own. As the story goes, the OW H did find out and went nuts and CONFRONTED my husband on our front lawn! Since then I have been in contact with the OW H several times to keep a "check" on things. It is good to have someone else keeping a close eye on things! I usually felt better after talking with him about them, since he understands how I feel.

cov,<P>So, did you tell... or not?<P>I vote for telling, although I agree with K that I would first speak with your W.<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Just to speak to the title of your thread -- ever and always, yes! Emphtically, yes! But be VERY careful how you do it. If at all possible, do it anonymously, by phone or letter. Also provide concrete proof. Give her your W's name, telling her that her H is having an affair specifically with [your W's full name]. Do NOT tell OM's W that her H's OW is YOUR W, however. The basic idea of doing this is to make trouble for the OM, not for you. And the basic idea of making trouble for the OM is to break up your W's affair, so that you can win her back and heal your marriage. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

I haven't told yet, we are in the process of D and do not wish to make trouble for myself..i appreciate the comments. i will do this anonomously thanks all.<P>or shouldn't i wait? could this be a LB? i DONT WANT TO DO THIS FOR REVENGE..sorry for shouting, but i feel like poop knowing and her not being aware.

I guess I am pretty mixed up. I would say to not tell her unless you and your spouse agree that it's the way to go together. The OW's H knew for a long time that she wanted my H and when they got married she told him before hand that she couldn't swear to be faithful to him when it came to my H. He knew how she felt and yet when I reached out to her to be friends he didn't say a word. He said that he felt I had to be my own person and that he didn't feel comfortable telling me that she had designs on him to start with. <BR>I think that the more of a relationship you have with the OW or her spouse (or just the opposite, the OM and his spouse) the longer that the relationship will go on. If you want them out of your life why are you going to do something more to keep them involved? If you start something with the spouse your liable to create more of a reason for conversation between the two of them. I would try to solidify the relationship between you and your wife and discuss weather or not the wife of the OM finds out through the two of you as a team effort. That makes the two of you as a couple making a decision, not just one of you causing conflict.<BR>I am probably wrong, but would this only increase tensions that you don't want to have anyhow? God Bless, no matter how you decide!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

covenant:<P>Whenever you question something you will say or do that will affect your wife as "will it be a lovebuster?", the best (safest) course is to not take that action.<P>Again, if it's something you feel strongly about, you should think about other ways to convey the information that will be less damaging or threatening. The only legitimate reasons (IMO) to tell the OM's wife are that you are compelled to always tell the truth (morally), or that you feel that she would/should need this information. Not everyone would want this info in her situation, however, so it's not an easy call.<P>Reasons for revenge, punishment, or to try to break up the affair are all "beneath" you.