Been lurking on the SSA side for a while and since I filed for D I knew it was time for the move.......

I know most of you don't know my story..... same song different verse ....except I get to throw in the WW's move from devoted Sunday school teacher to atheist and besides the 2 OM under her belt in the last 3 years she had a OW as well.......

So why has it taken me this long to get here ?????????

Am I really that stupid ??????????


Did really like her hair that much ??????????

And why do I believe there is a chance we'll be able to split assets amicably.......I told her a couple of days ago what I was willing to give.......today she responded she wanted half.......

HALF !!!!!!!!!!!!!that's right the woman that has spent the last 3 years in an affair wants HALF and best of all isn't embarrassed at all asking for it.......

I'm in an equatable distribution state.... the judge can find in my favor...... the real question is if the evidence I have is admissible..... I have video and a full inch of e-mails and skype shots that if I can use will get my point across in seconds ........ but there getting dated .....form 08 to 09 time frame........ I plan to take what I have into my lawyer to see if I can use it....

I think I'll be ahead dollars if I can stick to the uncontested route......One of my biggest problems is I'm soooooooooooooo done with this that I just want to walk away.......

The one thing I just can't stand the thought of is her getting her hands on my monthly retirement benefit.....would rather give all my 401K up before I have to share that monthly retirement.... There is just something about having to continue to pay her that kills me..........

I so want a clean brake.........

And so the next burning question for me is should I change my name from "stillcommitted" to "soonavailable" .....I'll have to work on that some more.........

Just a quick response to your last point:

Nothing wrong with being still committed (stillcommitted). It's just that you will change the focus of your commitment.

Sorry you have to be here. Welcome to the club. From one who married a very disordered woman to another.

I don't know - if he were still committed, it would be to that little psychiatric place with the padded room and strait jacket.

Still, think very carefully before trading money which is essentially under your control, your 401K, for a pension. Pensions in many, many areas are woefully underfunded, and may not be able to deliver in 5, 10 or 15 years' time. What would you rather have, money now or the promise of money?

I can't offer you money advice; more than five dollars boggles my mind. But I wish you the best of luck in getting things settled in your favor.

SC, I remember reading your thread in the beginning. I lost track of it - didn't know you now had an atheist/ww. That's sad.

Let your lawyer work his/her magic. You probably have a lot of emotions that could cloud your judgement.

Good luck. Stay committed.

~opt

KA....loved the strait jacket reference....guess I'll stick with my name for now........

Greengables....... I am so hung up on not wanting her fingers in that side of my retirement......the thought that 20 years from now that I will still see a chunk of my retirement being sent to her kills me........

I know logically that what you suggest makes since..... the defined benefit I have after the bankruptcy is now worth 5k a month....

If I have to give her Half I'll have to sale our farm to make it happen.........

May not be all bad because of land values now and if we liquidate everything it may not net what she expects and I could re-buy the farm with my side of things


So Appreciate everyone's thoughts

Very good advice - in some cases a 401K is better, in others, a pension is better. If there are a lot of assets on the table, you might want to consult with a divorce financial planner. They can give you an idea whether your pension that will pay you X amount in 15 years is worth more than the future value of your 401K.

I went to a seminar given by one about a year ago - lawyers and judges aren't always the best people to figure out what an asset will be worth in the future. They are mainly concerned about where the parties stand at the present.

Excellent suggestion, PSU. I didn't know they had divorce financieal planners.

Still, right now you are all tied up in emotional knots. Those will go away with time, BUT the property settlement will be a fait accompli, and you will have to live with it for the rest of her life or yours. So, follow the logic and advice of skilled professionals.

If you decide to make an emotional decision, do it with a price tag. "I'm willing to pay her $XXX,XXX now so that I never have to speak to her again."

Ok guys......

I've got the WW working on her settlement statement ....

1st is how much in cash it will take for her to walk away, she will baseing it on what we think your assets are worth.....

2nd is her plan of how I could keep the farm and pay her what she wants..... This may include creative ways to share equity in the property til I can pay her off ...........

3rd I will call my tax accountant ..... And my Ed Jones guy and talk over the retirement side of this mess........

3 years ago my company went bankrupt and my union pushed hard to retain our pension...... We did but it's only 35% of what I would have had but to the best of my knowledge it's well funded.... I think that the company had to fully fund it to cover the reduced payoff and it's locked now......

There's alot of "I think" in what I have said..... I plan to talk to some of buddies that know more about the plan and it's funding level....


I've got 3 buddies in town working on what the farm would bring at auction..... the WW and I when we talked over our assets the other day may have over estimated what the assets are currently worth

Our house is trashed after raising our kids in it ....it needs paint,carpet ect.......


My plan til you talk me out of it is

A. get the WW to sign a division of assets agreement based on liquidation of all assets.... pay the dept off..... split the money 50/50......give her 50% of the 401k

B. not lift a finger to improve the property before the sale

C. Hope that the assets sale low and I will be in a position to re-buy the farm.....

D. In the next 2 years rehab my house and subdivide the farm then resale it all for twice what I bought it for.....our farm is right on the edge of our town and has great potential for appreciation.........

Thanks for keeping me on track.........

I wouldn't count on being able to sellit for twice what you pay within 2 years. That would be a 50% appreaciation each year.

Also, there is no way in heck I would do anything creative with regard to finances with a STBX.

Green....
your right I won't double my money but I could make some change.....

And I have no interest in creative financing either .....

Dropped off some of my war chest...e-mails and video with the lawyer to look at to see if I can use it in court......

My appraiser buddy says the farm is worth about half what we were guessing......

Been thinking if I can get the WW to agree on a percentage in writing before the sale then I could be ahead dollars compared to what I was offering......

This week I'm leaning toward going low dollar mode after the D....

By that I mean finding a cheap place to live and banking all I can for a few years......

Been thinking of Rich Dad, Poor Dad....... I liked that book alot...

I know what you mean. If there's a benefit to The Leopard's sabotaging our marriage, it's that it forced me into taking a long look and an active part in managing my retirement funds.

I found money and accounts that I've had for years and done nothing with. At my age, I find I'm playing catch-up, with retirement possibly just another decade ahead. I'm nearing the $200K amount, and with today's prices, that would only give me less than ten years of living on a shoestring.

BTW

the WW has said she would like use to tell others that the reason were getting divorced is "personnel and that we prefer not to discuss it"....... she says she has seen so many other couples get into HE said SHE said and how destructive that is for everybody .......


Thoughts..... bet I know what they are.......

Since you're dialing down your lifestyle, read "Secrets of the Millionaire Mind"

Fred...

I've never had an interest in my retirement accounts either.....the rumor I've been told is that if it is invested in a good mutual fund it should double every 7 years ......mine never has.....although before the market went south I was close........

In theory if you didn't put another dime in you'd have 400k in 10 years and could draw 30k out a year with out hitting principle....I bet without the Leopard bleeding you dry you could bank some cash fast.....except for that unemployment issue......And on that You strike me as a guy that will land on your feet running....... I hope this new phase of your life is prosperous and exciting....... have you picked a job yet???


KaylaA....

I'll put that on my read list.......


Thanks for the inputs....It helps me to be as distracted as I can..... some days are better than others....

SC, you're in the heart of Dave Ramsey country. Find his radio show. It will help you stay motivated as you "live like no one else, so later you can live like no one else."

As for telling people "It's personal and we prefer not to discuss it," you're getting divorced! She can decide what she tells people, and guess what? You get to decide what you tell people. I can't believe she even has the nerve to suggest such a thing.

That said, it always best to speak respectfully of your ex and to give information to people based on the type of relationship you have. Very close friends and family get the whole story. Future romantic partners may eventually hear the whole story. Your dentist probably won't.

I'd add that if you're going to be bluntly honest about your spouses contribution to the divorce, you need to be just as bluntly honest about your own. And still avoid DJs.

Green,

Funny you should mention Dave Ramsey......

Not only have I been listening to him since before he went national but my WW took his financial planner course so she could help others in need in our church and community ......

Of course that was before aliens invaded her body..........

As far as exposure to others I feel like by keeping quite that the WW may be more cooperative in the settlement process but I feel like I'm selling my soul to the devil to do it......

dkd,

My problem is I still see myself as the injured one that after being faithful for 27 years, and being a devoted husband and father (WW says I'm perfect for what that's worth) I have trouble laying much blame on myself...... was I gone alot ???.... yes
did I meet all her EL's?????? obviously not(she had an affair)...... Did I do everything humanly possible to restore my marriage???? YES (My friends say so too)......

I want to vindicate myself and not stand silent while she says "it's private" ......

I know in the end it will all come out and that her true colors show thru........I just don't want to wait


As always thanks for reading....