How long was your A? How many d-days has your BS gone through?

and most importantly, you say you have established NC but...
do you still email each other?
are you still FB friends?
do you still see each other in passing AT ALL or work at the same company etc?
do you still look at things from your past together (such as photos or notes, etc)?

because all those things mean you haven't established NC...

Who created the rule that when your S has an A that you are supposed to help them?

Where is the logic in that.

Aren't you responsible for yourself! Or is your BS responsible for you?

Lost,

Tough love above...
Tough questions too...
Tough stuff that requires some dreaded tough looks in the mirror...

Your posts on the other thread reeked of self-entitlement, unremorsefulness, personal irreponsibility, blame-shifting, sanctimony, unrepentance, and lack of emapthy for those you have hurt.

I'm glad you have "come back" here--I didn't think you would--and asked for assistance. That is good.

Now drop the pity-party, drop the fingerpointing distractions, drop the avoidance of your own demons, and drop the "my BH won't just sweep it all under the rug like I want him to so I don't have to face my own issues" crap-o-la and...

START ANSWERING THE QUESTIONS HONESTLY AND HUMBLY PLEASE.

Thank you. We are waiting...

I think you are confusing "gradual" with "really quick." It must be a common mistake. I do it myself, all too often.

You can't tell if your thoughts are gradually growing dimmer because it's only been a month. "Gradually" hasn't happened, yet.

Lost,

You talk a lot about how you feel. A lot of what we deal here is feelings based on truth. Facts are not the same as truth.

Example; When magellan stated the world was round before he sailed around it, it wasn't a fact untill he proved it. But it was the truth. Many truths can only be realized with faith.

If you continue to trust completly in what you feel you will spiral down. Your emotions are suppossed to be appreciators of what life has given you, not the rulers. Now you are serving them instead of them serving you.

Many here understand how affairs start, how wonderful it feels to be free from the other person you think has trapped you and the lie you think your marriage was. What everyone here knows is how much of a lie that is. Fueled by the chemicals in our brain that are supposed to reward us when we do well if we run away from the chance God gives us to learn how to love we are robbing ourselves and the truth will eventually bring out what we did. Its a trick of the mind, a mind that needs instruction.

As we all do at some point you have come to a crossroads and you have to make a choice, a descision. Ask yourself these questions.

1. Do you really BELIEVE that you know whats best for you now?
2. Do you really BELIEVE that these people here don't care about you?
3. Do you really BELIEVE that we have not had to make the same decisions about what we valued more in life, our feelings or the result of the actions we took to be responsible, accountable adults?

1 Corinthians 13:11
When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

I know it says "man" here but the message is still the same. You are a grown up. What you did was run away and play make-believe with someone who in that tricky mind of yours,(all of us have them BTW), makes you feel wonderful. But its in your mind and its not real. we are trying to tell you this so you DON"T become the very thing you are afraid of. Alone and afraid of not being loved.

LOve is an action verb based on decisions. Decision follows thoughts, Actions follow decisions, Feelings follow actions. Get your thought life right and you can start to make decisions and proper actions that will all come together as a whole person and your feelings will reward you.

You have to do it, we all know the road that you have started down will hurt you and everyone around you. These feelings you have for OM are not love. They are a chemical response in your mind to what you percieve is a way out.

In your present marriage you two are not in love. You can be if you follow the instructions of Marrige Builders, both of you. It can deepen the love you have for each other farther than you can even imagine right now. You have an opportunnity to be taught things many of us wish we had a long time ago. Don't blow it.



So tell us. What is your H doing now and what has he done in the past that makes you feel so bad that you cheated on him? Is he a willing participant in MB?

Did you read through all the concepts and articles that are available to you on the site?

Are you aware of the facts, statistics, of marriages and affairs and Dr Harleys proven track record of counselling? That what Dr H does. He teaches us how to love and be in love and stay in love.

They are throwing you a lifeline Lost, Grab it.

LostinSpace,

I have been reading your thread and felt that I had to put my 2 cents in too. For what it's worth I have to say I do know where you are coming from. Heck, I could have written your exact words a year ago. But please listen to someone who has been there. These people on MB know what they are talking about.

I had an affair with a coworker (4year EA followed by 2year PA)
I was about as deeply embedded as anyone can be and went through withdrawal hell for a long while. I thought that there would be no way that I would ever love my husband again. I was wrong.

Trust me adultery and divorce does negatively affect your children. My 11 year old son still struggles a year later. He panicks when I get upset and is very clingy. I'm sure he's thinking Oh no, Mom's not happy again. What if she gets another boyfriend to make her "happy". To have to see that in my child's face and know that I caused that anxiety in him is almost too much to bear. I have some tips for you and they will help if you will follow them:

1) NO CONTACT WITH OM (don't see him, talk to him, look at his picture, read his email/cards, google him, etc) When you are tempted to do these things come here and read, read, read.

2) Tell you husband about this site and have him read. (Hopefully he will be willing to do this. This really helped my husband)

3) Read Pepperband's Run of the Mill WW thread. (yes, the whole thing. It will give you some insight on who you are right now and will help you see where you need to start to make some changes in yourself)

Finally, know that the people on this site are not saying that your are a horrible person past all help. Obviously they don't believe that because they have for the most part chosen to stay and recover with their WS. They believe in their spouses enough to stick it out and work on it. If they thought all WS were worthless pieces of trash they would be long gone. We are all here because we do care. And we do want your marriage to work.