My wife cheated on me while I was gone, emotionally for three months and physically for a month. It's been a month and a half and I've started to have these feeling like my wife is permanently tainted. The thought of touching mer makes my skin crawl and all I can think about when I kiss her is what else has been there. What really exacerbates this is that both of us were virgins when we got married. I've never been with another woman and now I feel like I've married a slut. I literally can't seem to get passed thinking that she has no morals, never will have them, and has complete disregard for what I or God wants from a marriage. Has anyone ever felt this way? Maybe all I need is someone to tell me I'm just being an idiot or a jerk, that would be nice. I just know I'm not going to be getting anywhere in making this marriage work as long as I keep thinking these things. Thanks.

CG,

Traffic on the board will be slow until the morning.

Unfortunately, your feelings are normal. Your wife just ripped your heart out. These are not normal actions for someone that cares about your feelings.

It is a long process to get past this. First is to make sure the A is over.

Give us more information. How did you find out? Do you know the OM? Have you told anyone about the A?

I'm pretty sure it's over. That's what she says, at any rate. I knew when the emotional affair started because of her behavior, but I obviously couldn't do anything about it since I was on another continent. When I finally came home I took her out to dinner and that's when she spilled her guts about what had happened. She told me everything. Well, I mean, I'm pretty sure it was everything. Can't get much worse than all the stuff she told me. I've talked to the OM twice and I could pick him out in a crowd, but he's not a mutual friend. She doesn't see him anymore and we're seeing a marriage counselor. I've told my parents, one of my brothers, and most people in my unit know what happened. Her mother knows, along with one of her sisters and most of her friends. My real problem is that, even though I love her, I really feel like she's permanently tainted, like I said before. I know that can't be right, but it's really hard to overcome that. I guess I was just looking for reassurance that I can overcome that. I was supposed to go out with her today and shop for mother's day gifts, but I was so hateful that I bailed before I did something I would regret later, which I'm prone to do.

It can be done. There are lots of success stories on this forum. The first thing your spouse needs to do is put emotional protections in place. She needs to be totally transparent by giving you all her passwords to email accounts, account for her time, in other words no secrets.

The A happened because your WW did not protect her boundaries.

How long have you been M.

And please, for the love of all that's good and decent do not:

1. Leave your home
2. Take blame for the A (you are 50% responsible for conditions that LEAD to the affair but 0% responsible for the A itself)

There are a very few posters here who were in your place regarding that both the BS and WS had chosen to remain virgins until they married. When you chose to remain a virgin until M that usually indicates a high level of dedication to that purpose.
Bob Pure is the one I remember. But there are others as well. It is common that the BS in this situation is even more pained by the loss of exclusiveness in the M then the other posters here do.

So you are in line with other posters who previously have been where you are now. This may be a stumbling stone in recovery. Hopefully Bob will post to you and share his thoughts and feelings on this. It certainly took him time for this wound to heal. Unfortunately he does not post often these days.

This feeling is probably normal, I do remember more than a few men talking about feeling this way at first.

This thought is something that you need to address in yourself.
Beleive it or not, your WW actions are her fault, but your emotional reaction to them (and how you are going to rely on them) is up to you, you only.

I have read here BS who have overcame this, while others (mostly men) who could not.

MB concepts are very proactive. Have you read the Basics yet?

CG,

Well for one thing, you both need to get STD testing pronto! This is before you do anything sexual with your wife. My personal feeling is that you may need a safety buffer of time if she had HPV or some other organism which may be asymptomatic.

You or your wife for that matter have no idea what OM was doing on the side before and during the time he was with your wife. And don't trust that your wife is telling the truth if she says they wore condoms, even wearing condoms do not protect against viruses which are very small.

Gamma.

compgeek, sorry you are here. I felt the same as you after my husband's affair. I felt revulsion around him for some time and couldn't stand for him to put his creepy hands on me. But, it did go away. It didn't go away over night. That is not to say that you can get over the resentment. Some can't. It depends entirely on our personality.

Secondly, have you independently verified that contact has ended by snooping? Her word is meaningless about this. You will need to confirm it on your own.

Two things,

One, infidelity is a betrayal of trust in the worst possible way. With the importance you both placed on monogamy and your moral views, it may be an even worse breech of trust than for most affairs. You must decide if you can live with this betrayal and go forward in your marriage. Some cannot get past it and infidelity is a perfectly good reason to end a marriage. If this is your choice, then no one will judge you. Find some time when you are thinking clearly, find a trusted friend or family member to talk it over with and decide if you want to get past this and save your marriage. Remember, "no" is a perfectly fine answer for this question and can save a ton of heartache and misery that comes from failed recovery attempts.

However, if the answer is "yes" then you've come to the right place. Please read the above link on overcoming resentment. A lot of good stuff there.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html

Hi CG - Welcome!



I felt the exact same way that you do with the exception that Mrs. RIF had multiple affairs...

So to answer your question, yes, you CAN overcome these initial feelngs. It will take a lot of work from BOTH of you and it won't happen overnight. It took Mrs. RIF and I about 2.5 years to work through all of her A's.

You're getting great advice here... continue reading up on the basic principles here and let us know if you have any specific questions.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Before you make a decision you may come to regret, you have found this place.

Welcome to Marriage Builders and the forum, Surviving an Affair. This is the club nobody wants to join. You will find help here from those who have walked in your shoes and from those who have walked in your wife's shoes.

This forum is about surviving and that can mean different things for different people. You can elect to rebuild a great marriage on the ashes of the old one or not, up to you. You will find great concepts developed by Dr. Willard Harley that will serve you well irrespective of the direction you take.

Dr. Harley gives his knowledge away for free. All you need to do is earn them by reading on this site as completely as you can, which means all of it. He also has books available for the next step up, which means a more thorough examination of what he has developed. From there, you can go to individual support from his coaching center, a great place to get custom support designed for your particular situation.

Should you elect to move toward a even greater marriage than the one that failed you before, one that is bullet proof and emotionally satisfying at a level most folks do not achieve, you can take the MB home study course, or the ultimate, an MB weekend retreat with individual coaching for a year following.

There is something here for all.

It would be useful for you to read the posts under the forum "Notable Posts," as a start on your journey of discovery. In particular, abbreviations, Wat and Longhorn to provide information and a perspective of a baseline from where you are now as expressed by ones who have walked in your shoes.

Your next step is to read the links for surviving an affair. Dr. Harley has a great perspective, is easy to read, and you will learn so much.

Then comes more when you are ready. Keep one thing in mind, and that is Dr. Harley's flat statement, "And we don't judge."

Larry

compgeek
You may always feel that your WW will be tainted. Also in time this may pass.

It takes the BH about six months to process the affair mentally. This is why it is suggested to wait six months before any important decisions are made. Such as divorce.

Then the second six months post D day is the anger phase. Where the BS gets very mad at what happened.

If you are not getting anything out of NC then find another one. So take your time. You can always get a divorce.