You don't know what I am doing! That is my point. We have been in marriage counseling twice a week for six months. I have attended multiple marriage conferences, I have sought counseling for my children, read numerous books, and I foolishly came here. This does not even address all the research I have done online on rebuilding my marriage!

Within three days of this affair I left my then husband for the man I am married to now. We have been together three years now.

In that time there have been a series of betrayals by my husband. Because it is important to my inability to move on, I want to list the major ones.

� kept and hid a homemade porn with his ex (and in my opinion the woman who still has his heart) after I moved in. I found it, watched it, and threw it away. He was furious.

� got mad at me and told me he considered calling his ex. I told him I would be devastated if he did. Within a week he picked a fight and not only called her, but took her out for drinks at "our bar." He admitted he would have slept with her if he had the chance. He contacted her once more after that.

� We took a road trip to see another ex of his and by the end of the night he was wasted. We were all in a hot tub and he kept putting his face in her boobs and grabbing her crotch and flat out refused to sit by me. I convinced him to get out and go upstairs to change. He was too drunk to pull up his pants so I left him exposed and went downstairs to advise his ex of my plight. She walks upstairs and goes to the room where he lay nude and locked the door. They did not emerge for over 20 minutes. He says he can't remember anything but thinks they might have kissed.

� He has contacted several other exes when we are fighting despite promises he won't do it again.

� after all this, we got married.

� less than 9 months into our marriage, we got into a huge fight and he ended up going to stay at a friends apartment. The next morning he called and the number on caller ID was another woman. I begged him to come home and he refused. He spent all day with this girl (who by the way is a stripper) getting wasted. He always swore nothing happened other than he slept next to her, danced with her, etc. I decided to contact her and though she denied actual intercourse admitted she gave him oral sex.

Maybe you should learn a little about love, compassion, forgiveness and grace. That is what I'm after...

"Never reinforce defeat." - Napoleon I

I am not going to engage any further with any of you.

I am a Christian woman and intend to keep my vows of "until death do us part."

You don't know what I am doing! That is my point. We have been in marriage counseling twice a week for six months. I have attended multiple marriage conferences, I have sought counseling for my children, read numerous books, and I foolishly came here. This does not even address all the research I have done online on rebuilding my marriage! You are absolutely right in that I have made many mistakes... As has my husband. I am not in denial about how damaged things are! I simply wanted to know what steps others took to recover. But once again, everyone here was far too concerned about character assasination rather than just offering suggestions on what helped them heal. THAT is what I asked for. Either way, I have found peace in the last couple of days about my commitment to my marriage. Yes I am certain I have a long road ahead of me, but I am ready.

Some day you are all going to end up leading someone desperate for support to drastic measures.

I typed a VERY long post on an iPod touch. It took forever to write just what I did. There are many other details that I did not include initially that I certainly would have elaborated on had I not felt it was simply going to be scoffed at. I was simply trying to give you all an idea of what we had been through so everyone knew what we were up against.