Jaded,
Yes, we're sinners all, and I certainly as much as anyone.
Realizing this may do me some good in the ever-after, but it wasn't necessarily enough to save my marriage in the here-&-now.

You want to know how to forgive & move forward, but you say you have been struggling with this, and that this is why you came here.

My wife could not have forgiven my betrayal without certain actions on my part. In my case, I had to end my affair, stop lying about what I was up to, give an honest recounting of my affair so that she knows what happened & when it happened, live transparently, change my e-mail address and my office phone number, never have any contact with the other woman, leave the church where I got into the affair, give my wife my e-mail password, keep her posted on where I am when I'm working late, make efforts to spend more of my free time with her and with our kids, never be alone with another woman, and never have any female friends outside the narrow context of couple-to-couple friendships where my wife is present for every interaction. These are examples of things called "extraordinary precautions." They are some things that I have done -- changes I have made -- in order to reduce the chances of ever getting tempted to get into a new affair or resuming my old one, and to thus give my wife some sense of protection against the risk of repeating the emotional trauma that I caused her due to my affair.

Can you list for us what extraordinary precautions your husband has taken? In your case, based on what you've described of his past behavior, they might include ending contact with his exes; giving up drinking; getting rid of his explicit tapes; and changing your phone numbers so that his exes can't keep coming on to him. Perhaps there are other things you can think of. Can you give us a list of which of the above things he has done? In addition to the above, is there anything else he has done to make you feel more secure? Or any of the above things that he's refused to do (and if so, why)?

Answers to these questions will give people a better picture of where you're at & where you need to get to as a couple. The point isn't to beat up on your husband, but to help evaluate what he is & isn't doing to help you heal.

Healing has to begin somewhere. And that place is typically having posters take inventory of what you've got. That's the first step on the ladder.

Here's what you've got:
1. An affairage.
2. An affairage to a serial adulterer.
3. An affairage to a serial adulterer who appears to have a drinking problem.

And now you want to know how to 'move on' past his betrayal(s). The short answer is "You don't." You might heal and work through the betrayals, but they will always be a part of your marital history. I think your better question might be "How can we rebuild and affair-proof our marriage?"

In order to do that you've got to recognize that your M was built on lies and deception. Your WH was, at one time, the OM in your life. As such, he learned that deception was okay in your world. That's why we're looking hard at your history.

Next thing - what's up with the enabling behavior? What in the world are you doing in a hot tub with an ex-wife?? And then you let her go into your half-naked, drunken husband's bedroom and you leave them alone together?

So really, what you've got is a serial adulterer who is doing what he does best - adultery. You knew it going in, right? You can't change him, but you can choose to remove yourself from this abuse. Sounds like you don't want to, though. You came out swinging the first time someone called a spade a spade, blasting us about what a wonderful guy he is. Um. Okay. You haven't convinced me of that.

Anyway. You want advice, I'll give you some: Get out before he gives you a disease. Or, if you must stay with him because he's so wonderful, accept this serial adulterer you married and shut up.

You are right, I may divorce by biblical standards, but I choose not to. I simply sought input on how to heal. I did not assume it would be scoffed at before my first post, I elected not to add clarification because it became clear off the bat that based on his indescretions he was being labeled as a throw away and me as some pathetic doormat. That is certainly how it came off.

To answer the questions asked though, the affair was six months ago. He practices full transparency now. I have all his passwords and we have both quit drinking.

Since when?

And it was not an ex wife. It was an ex girlfriend... As in from the eighth grade. I hardly saw it as a threat. And I didn't leave her in there with him. She walked past me into the room and locked it. I knocked and knocked and she just told me to wait. So naturally I was furious and left. Here again I am being told to shut up. How on earth is that support?

Since when what? Did I become Christian? I have been Christian my whole life but reaffirmed with Baptism a little over a year ago.

Thank you to GloveOil. That was precisely was I was looking for! It appears he is taking the right measures as we have agreed on the same "rules" as what you offered. It is not that I don't believe he is trying, but despite all his best efforts I am still haunted by it and find myself paranoid of it happening again. Thank you thank you thank you for sharing. Can you tell me if your BW has these same feelings still?

Or more to the point what of these things have YOU done, as an allegedly reformed adulteress. You say you have repented, what forms of redress have you made for your sins? What have you done to repair the immense damage you have done to your children by ripping their lives apart?

How have you ensured that you will never have another affair? And saying you saw how much damage it did and you're never gonna do it again is NOT good enough.



People are reacting here to the information YOU have given them. If we're wrong tell us how. You can't. You gave us the facts of your situation. The veteran posters here have seen hundreds of affair situations in and out of here - they've seen the ones that have recovered and are using that history of information to give you what you NEED - not what you WANT.

From what YOU described, this is not a person ANYONE should want as a partner and parent to their children. If you have a daughter and she came to you with the list you presented in your first post would you say 'Oh, dear I'm sure he's just a great guy. Buck up and it will get better.'? Or would you tell her to run, like we have.

The fact of the matter is you don't 'get over this' you can never 'get over this' but you can RECOVER from it and that takes WORK - very hard WORK. Work requires ACTION. What action have you taken?

From your first few posts, he is an abusive serial cheater and you are a adulteress and an enabler. Prove us wrong. But realize: YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM.

Jaded, in your very first post you say, "I can't believe I have reached the point in which it seems reasonable to seek advice from strangers, but I have nothing to lose."

What is the point that you have reached that you talk about here? You don�t really say. His (last?) discovered affair was six months ago and everything's groovy with his transparency and all, but yet here you are... wanting to know how to heal.

Six months is not near long enough to get past all the betrayal that you guys have caused and experienced against and with each other.

Your marriage began as an affairage. You do understand that right? You�ve only been married three years and yet you�ve suffered a �series of betrayals�. His FIRST betrayal (at least from what you�ve told us) was only nine months into the marriage (less than a year). According to you, he�s been behaving for six months. So in the course of your short 3-year marriage, he�s only been faithful to you for 15 months (less than � of your marriage)?

You�re a Christian. Fine. So am I, have been all my life. So from one Christian woman to another, you are married to a user and abuser. You made a huge mistake in betraying your 1st husband in the way you did and now you are simply reaping what you have sown.

Does God forgive? Of course He does, but that doesn�t mean He�s going to stop the consequences of the sin. Your children will continue to suffer the consequences of your sin for years to come. That�s not a judgment, it�s what the scriptures say will happen. You can overcome ALL of this but not if you�re not willing to face some hard truths.

It seems that no one can really help you here because you won�t �hear� what�s being said to you. You can continue to deny, accuse, rant and rave, but so does a 2-year old when they�re being disciplined. God�s heard it all and my bet is that you�re not getting what He�s trying to tell you. I hope you do.

Start by quietly listening and answering questions honestly. You'd be surprised the amount of help you will get with a little humbleness.

For starters, my initial affair was horribly wrong, however my ex husband and I had already decided to divorce as a result of HIS affair several years prior that I never could get over. While it was wrong of me to start another relationship three days before I moved out, the marriage was over. I had already signed my lease to move into my own place. I do not want to give up on another marriage due to infidelity. I want to work (yes, work) to repair it. I have done everything I know how and am continuing to seek resources. That is why I came here!!!

Also just to clear up one of my earlier posts, I said we both quit drinking but I should clarify that we both quit drinking outside of the house. That was the only time drinking was excessive was in social situations...and unfortunately that also meant he was around other women.

Ok specifically what brought me here the other day was that OW contacted his sister to let him know her father died (he had been close to him). My husband did not respond nor did he do anything wrong. This was just an incident that reopened old wounds.

You're going to have to be clearer in your posts so we don't need to keep a scorecard. You mentioned a number of "exes" in your first post, and now you're telling us that this particular ex was a girlfriend from eighth grade?? I'm not sure they qualify as exes, do they?

No matter. I'll rephrase my post accordingly:
Why in the world would you witness your HUSBAND burying his face in an ex-whatever's boobs, then run to get her when he refuses to pull up his pants??

The reason I'm poking in specific events is to show you that there is a fundamental flaw in the foundation of your M. You are an adulterer. Your H is an adulterer. He is also a manipulater. Why else would he do something so cruel as to throw his exes in your face when you have an argument? And then he says you're controlling? Yet, you think he's a great guy. Hey, I won't argue with your definition of a great guy. But may I point out that your first post says you've been together for three years, and: "In that time there have been a series of betrayals by my husband. Because it is important to my inability to move on, I want to list the major ones."

You proceed, then, to list just the major ones?? Yikes! I'd hate to hear the whole litany!

That's why I'm suggesting that you either kick his [censored] to the curb or accept him as a renter - that is, someone who is married, yet doesn't 'buy into' that pesky 'fidelity within marriage' stuff.

If we are using biblical standards...

You were the wayward spouse in your first marriage - that would render you ineligible to remarry - My understanding is that only the betrayed spouse has that right - which renders your current "affairage" invalid in God's eyes - As the wayward spouse God did not release you from your covenant, rendering any relationship you have from now on out, adultery...Until the death of your first betrayed husband, you remain bound by that covenant...

Mrs. W

There are two exes. I don't know what else to call it. One was his gf from 8th grade. One was his ex fianc� (who consequently cheated on him and left). I was completely angry about the hot tub incident which is why I told him we were getting out. I only told her because we were in her house and supposed to be leaving and I could not get him dressed and awake. I was mortified, not ever expecting her to race past me into the room.

My first husband cheated on me hence our decision to divorce. Was it wrong to start a relationship before we were legally divorced, sure. But it was his adultery that led to the break in the marriage. I spoke at length to my pastor about all this because I wanted to ensure my marriage was "valid" in the eyes of God.

Then he doesn't have any exes. He has a couple of Significant Others. There is a big difference.

And I'm still scratching my head over you thinking that an eighth grade girlfriend was an ex. ?? How old are the two of you? Seriously.

Why must you always try to insult me? My gosh so I chose the wrong descriptive initials to describe these women. They are ex girlfriends thus making them an ex something, right? You don't have to try to beat me down to get this information... Just ask and I will answer.

I see.

It seems unlikely that you would have left that detail out of your first post, but okay...Your first husband cheated on you once, and you "decided to leave" - your affairage husband has cheated on you multiple times but you want to stay...

Good luck to you...

Mrs. W

And not that it really matters but I am 32 and he is 31

I didn't see it as pertinent at the time I wrote it. And I tried to work past his affair by simply sweeping it under the rug which clearly did not work hence the reason I am giving all my effort to this one.