newsf, here is the message you should send to the OW and your WS. Smile sweetly when you send this:

Good ideas! And new, let him know this is one of the ways he can reassure you. If he has a better idea, you are open to that! But if he does this grudgingly, let him know that is NOT CONVINCING!!

If he cries about how "I have to do this????" Politely say, "oh no!! you don't have to do anything!! But neither do I have to stay in a marriage where I am not safe. It is up to you to ensure my safety."

Just let him know you are not interested in another false recovery so it will be up to him to PROVE his fidelity.

new, if he won't agree your DEMANDS, then I would ask him to leave. You have absolutely nothing to lose, but you have ALOT to lose if he stays and you continue this way. Plan A is only supposed to be for 3 to 4 weeks and you are way beyond that.

In fact, you might have a plan B letter ready today and ask him to leave if he won't agree to your terms. Say, in that case, I would like you to leave. As he is leaving, hand him the letter.

[there is template letter in SAA]

you are completely right- I do ALOT of relationship talk. That will stop right now. I wish I found you all sooner.

Melody- LOVE LOVE LOVE The video! You brightened my day! And yes you are right, its time he prove that he means what he is saying. Its time he is accountable and he put actions in place to ensure my safety. He has abused the love I have for him and the trust he has had for the past 15 years.

He will for sure say "I have to do this?". I can see that one coming a mile away. He didn't realize what false recovery was until yesterday....STUPID FOG! I asked him and he said he had no idea.

So I looked at him and politely said, "Its when you lead me to believe we are on the road to recovering and having the marriage we always dreamed of, and are lying to me the whole time". His face just looked dumbfounded.

You are right, PLan A should only be a few weeks, but I honestly only tried this for the past week. Prior to that I was so full of anger I just wanted to make him miserable for doing this, so all I did was LB LB LB. Boy was I wrong. BUT now I have the resources and support I need to do this the right way.

Oh and his mother and father put so much pressure on him that he refuses to take their calls right now. His mother LOST IT and I mean yelled cried, screamed, all of it. She kept saying "how can you do this to someone who treated you so good for all those years" and "There must be something wrong with you"

Of course, now that you are enlightened, you won't be having these talks until after the affair is busted up good and he's mostly through withdrawal.

Definitely make a little list like ML suggested.

That way after he's really done NC for 6 weeks or so and you bring up counseling, he can't whine and weasel out of it. You can pull out your little "contract" (seriously, I'd get him to sign or initial it when he's in a good mood) and remind him that he agreed to counseling.

It may have taken you a while to find MB and "get" it but I must say you're definitely jumping right in with both feet now.

Remember to send MIL a batch of her favorite cookies... or something!

Thanks turtlehead! That makes me feel better. And no more relationship talk!!! It will be hard, I am an analyzer and he isn't, but I will stop. Instead I will write in a journal! Or put money in a jar everytime I want to "talk" about us and how we are doing. LOL

MIL is awesome! I am worried about their relationship- he does not want to talk to her at all and she pretty much said she feels the same way. I hope that will change. I know I did the right thing by telling them, I just hope he can see that someday.

It *will* change. They'll both calm down and put this behind him after WH steps up and does the right thing.

Any time you want to talk relationship talk, meet one of his ENs instead. When your mouth opens up or your fingers reach for that keyboard, let admiration come out instead of relationship talk.

Or get tickets to his favorite activity. Make reservations at his favorite place. Buy some new lingerie.

I like the journal idea *and* the money-in-a-jar idea!

new, don't use terms like fog or false recovery to him. That is an attempt to educate him. Ask yourself if you would try to educate a falling down drunk? It is a waste of time. The only thing your H will respond to is a FIRM hand and STRONG boundaries. If you lower the bar, he will live down to your expectations, if you raise the bar he will either live up to your standards or he will get out. Either way you lose nothing by going wtih the latter strategy.

If he says "I HAVE TO DO THIS?!!" Say "oh no!! you have to do nothing. This is entirely voluntary!! This is just what it will take to keep me in this marriage. You can take it or leave it. If you don't want to do this, then I would understand that you are choosing to not stay in the marriage and would ask that you leave. I will be sad, but I fully understand this is your choice!"

Good!! What else is he going to lose over this sleazebag STD ho?? The more conflict the higher the price.

new, your job is cause MASSIVE CONFLICT in that affair.

DID YOU CALL HER FATHER AND MOTHER??

GOod points, I haven't called them yet, I am still at work. WOW you guys are great!

and you are very right about educating....that is a LB for me. He even said that it sounded like i lectured him so I am working on that. Its funny what you learn about yourself during this whole process.

Ok, I tried calling them they hung up on me. Should I mail a letter to them?

Brilliant.
Memorize this.

Send it certified so one of them has to sign for it. That way it can't be intercepted by skankho.

BRILLIANT!! Love the SKANKho term....! I will send one for sure.

Just don't call her that in the letter.

CRAP! I really wanted too...just kidding, I would love to tell them about their skankho of a daughter and how she sends naked pics of herself to married men but I will refrain....:(