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#2357608 04/19/10 01:38 PM
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Hello all, I am looking for some advice as every site I have looked into seems to have vaugue answers to the ongoing questions that surround the subject of cheating..
To give the short version my girlfriend of seven years is from a town three hours from where we live which is my home town...In January her father suffered form a bad stoke and she has been traveling every other weekend to help care for him....Me with work and the care of our two year old have stayed behind alot and taken care of the house and everything else...two months ago she came home and said she went out one night while she was there and ended up sleeping with an ex-boyfriend....She told within 36 hours of it happening...I am blindsided and just plain pissed and feel like the support I was giving was worthless....I guess I am looking for advice on how to cope and my main question that I get run around in is....Can this really just be from emotional overload and too much booze....Can people really just kinda snap not know what is happening....she said she dosen't remember making the decsion that it was going to happen or every wanting the sex....He started it and that it was more like she didnt say no rather that be into it....Just some advice would be great...Thanks

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Lumeiere

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Welcome to marriagebuilders. Glad you have found us. I'm sure that the stress of her father being sick, too much alcohol at the bar (why is she at the bar?) could lay the foundation for her to cheat. So now you knows what she does when she is under stress and drinking.

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You are coming at this from a distinct disadvantage, being that she's your girlfriend and not your wife. She has no obligation to be faithful to you. She never vowed to forsake all others.

Have a read at this thread. It took mamasita several days and quite a bit of anger before she began to understand why it's so important to have "that piece of paper".

mamasita's thread

The fact that you guys did not marry suggests a lack of commitment to the relationship. That is something you guys will want to look at.

You're at an advantage because she chose to tell you. So basically you guys have a foundation of honesty, and that is probably the single biggest hurdle in recovering from an affair - getting the honesty back.

Do you guys both want to build this and put it back together? What is your goal here?

And yes, people can just snap from too much booze and emotional overload. They can snap and end up in bed with an old boyfriend. And that makes them very bad candidates for a life partner. Is she willing to change? Are you?

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I dont think its the "lack" of committment based on the fact we have talked about getting married but things have come up...She always wanted to get married in the fall....Two years ago we started planning it and her sister jumped us...We just decided not have two family weddings in the same month....After that we just really got busy...She has expressed that she really didnt know how much not being married botherd her until this happened.

I do believe our communication shut down for awhile and it really did after her dad had the stoke...I really had a hard time talking to her for fear of overloading her during all of this...I know she has expressed totally remorse...and I do know that the way I thought of our relationship probally didnt do anything to help....I think complacent is a good word..

You thread was very interesting...

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Honestly, I think you guys are in pretty good shape, believe it or not. Can you swing a MB weekend? Click the "Coaching Center" link at the top or bottom of this page and check it out. I think that will put you on the fast track toward a great, fulfilling, committed marriage.

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Originally Posted by Lumeiere
I dont think its the "lack" of committment based on the fact we have talked about getting married but things have come up...
You do realize that what you're saying is "It's not that we're not committed, it's just that lots of other stuff is more important to us than getting married."

I agree, complacency. It's fatal.
I think the MB weekend will blow you guys away.

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Start the clock over. Do not even consider getting married at this point.

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Lume,

My questions would be:

Is she remorseful?

Is she still taking care of her father and going to the bar?

NC (no contact) letter must be done. You must read all the materials here to fully understand the process of how to come out of these and survive them.

It is good she told you. Does she want to stay with you and build the marr, oh yeah, sorry, the RELATIONSHIP??

A one time snap, so easily done, make one wonder if there could be more.

IMHO
kirk


CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
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To answer the last questions....we have talked often and she seems very remorseful....She has always been very clear on veiws of cheating and this is totally agaist her beleif system...

Yes she is going back...When needed I am not going to make her stay away from her family when so much help is needed....

I have though about if there was more....and beleive no cause she told me so fast....If she had others why tell this one...It would have been hard for me to find out...If I did beleive there was others I wouldn't even be in here..

To make matters worse is I do have the ring....I was going to propose on my birthday which was two weeks ago....

She say I was always the only one she wanted and has no idea how it could have happened....She said basically wrong place, wrong time, and feeling like poor me for all thats happened...she takes total responsibilty for what happened...She also said She thought I had too...and was only in it to be in it because of our kid....

So i obviously know there were things I was doing to make her unhappy in a bad time in her life....but she never said anything...so communication was bad....Like i think I said earlier

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You are positive they have had no contact before this?

The difficulty in marriage hasn't been hesitation but purely planning?


ME: BS 31y/o H: WS 35y/o DS: 3y/o DD: 1y/o
Married: 10 years OW: co-worker
D-DAY 9/11/08 text messages EA
2ND D-DAY 5/16/09 Walked out together
OFFICIAL D-DAY 12/1/09 (confession)
(EA began 9/08 PA 12/08. PA ended 4/09 but EA continued)
NC letter 1/10
FINAL D-DAY 3/31/10 (continued phone calls and emails)
NC Email 4/10
Recovery 4/12/2010

Still his sunshine = )

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...904#Post2347904



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She said the last time she seen him was at his brothers funeral about a year and a half ago....and could count the times over seven years....maybe 6 or 7....

Alot was planning....and a few times finacial....we bought a car..washer...big things together....

I had alot of debt from before we were together and yes has taken this long to get ahead....I always told her that when we got to zero we would do it.....We hit the plus side...in feb...she did this end of feb....I had the ring in mid feb...gonna propose in april....Now have no clue.....

She said she felt alone...I know for awhile I was feeling like it too, winters are tough cause we go to different schedules...I tried to talk to her about it she just shuts down and doesnt say much.....

Like she said she really doesnt feel like she ever made the descion that sex was going to happen...and that it was all so fast...she said she wasnt into just more like she didnt say no than really do it....which kinda makes me feel worse and better about it...

I mean if this is something that was gonna destroy a Long term relationship, just seems so worthless....and makes me feel the same...

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Turtle...

We did do the emotional needs questionare awhile ago....right after it happened....I found this site and thought it would be a good thing for us to do....we found that most of our answers were really the same.....

However we did rate them at the end a little differently...and that is exactly why we were not communicating efficently....

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Lumeiere,

It is not important that emotional needs match up or have different value to each person. What is important is that you and she know what each others needs are and which ones are most important. The idea is to meet each others needs in the way that the other person wants them. Not how you would want them met.

You also said
Quote
She said she felt alone...I know for awhile I was feeling like it too, winters are tough cause we go to different schedules...I tried to talk to her about it she just shuts down and doesnt say much.....

This single trait is a strong reason not to marry her or continue the relationship. You will never have good communications if either of you shut down when tough subjects must be addressed. This must be addressed with a good counselor. You cannot trust or really intensly love a woman you cannot talk to when the going gets tough.

Quote
Like she said she really doesnt feel like she ever made the desicion that sex was going to happen...and that it was all so fast...she said she wasnt into just more like she didnt say no than really do it....which kinda makes me feel worse and better about it...

I mean if this is something that was gonna destroy a Long term relationship, just seems so worthless....and makes me feel the same...
Ok, the fact that she did not think about what she was doing, and had no boundaries in place to keep her from doing this is VERY VERY bad. She really needs to learn about boundaries and how to protect them. It could be that deep down she doesn't feel that she made a bad decision as no decision in her book is an OK decision. She went the no decision rout which is in fact a decision to cheat.

One can dance around this all you/she wants but the data is celar she chose to have sex with her ex and she did not even think twice about it.

You two need to talk deeply and address what would allow her to make that decision. Again a good counselor is required.

Finally, I would keep that ring in my pocket if I were you. A lot of learning and healing must occur before that makes sense.

God Bless,

JL

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Quote
Like she said she really doesnt feel like she ever made the descion that sex was going to happen...and that it was all so fast...she said she wasnt into just more like she didnt say no than really do it....which kinda makes me feel worse and better about it...


That's a pretty lame excuse. She DID make the decision and until she owns it and takes responsibility, I also agree that you should keep that ring in your pocket. Her thinking that it "just happened" will keep her from examining her role in this and her lack of boundaries. Not good. I wouldn't say this is a total loss. But to M at this point would be ill advised. She has alot of learning to do.







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DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
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Hi there,
Are you willing to forgive her if you are then you should have her promise no contact with any man ever again....
Tell her to never put herself in a position where there will be a situation like that again.
You two have a child together and you were intending to marry and be a couple.
Explain to her that this is what you want and that it was your intent to marry her but you will have to be sure that you can trust her when she isn't with you.
Maybe the two of you could go for some therapy before you make any decisions about your future.
Learn how to fix the relationship and see how you connect with her. She at least told you and wanted to be honest with you......
I know it hurts and you feel you can't trust and believe in her now, tell her that and ask her what she is willing to do to make that better...
Don't make any decisions quickly, make her understand what this has done to you and your relationship.....
Ask her if she really wants your relationship because to be able to jump ship so quickly sends up red flags for you.......ask her why your relationship means so little to her that she could hurt you like this......


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders

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