I am so obsessed with this affair, it's all I think about.

From morning to night, when I wake up in the middle of the night, at work, all the time, I am constantly lecturing WW in my head about how she's ruining everything, hurting the kids and hurting herself, and how CRAZY this all is.

I just feel so right in my beliefs that WW is WRONG.

So I was thinking, just to play devil's advocate...

Maybe I'm the one delusional about how happy our marriage was before OM came along. Maybe I never made WW as happy as OM does. Maybe I can never make WW as happy as OM can. Maybe the kids will be fine if we divorce. Maybe the 5% or less chance WW and OM have for success IS worth throwing everything else away. Maybe WW wanting a D really does have nothing to do with the OM. Maybe her friends who are supporting her as she "follows her heart" are all right.

Maybe I'm the one who's fogged out.

I know exactly how you feel. There are times I think that way, that maybe my H IS really in love with her. But than I realize that its not the truth. If he really wanted her, he would have left, he had plenty of opportunity. Remember A are fantasies. They are not the real world.

Can you give more details on the A, for instance when it started how long it lasted, etc? I found that personally I was obsessed with the A for a long time (probably 8 months or so) and then I slowly began to feel like myself again. I still struggle, but I do not feel the same way I did in the beginning.

My thread is "Wife's Affair - I don't know what to do" if you want the lurid details.

"Maybe the 5% or less chance WW and OM have for success IS worth throwing everything else away."

Yep, you're fogged out, no doubt about it.

I had days like that for months, still have one occasionally and we are almost three years out from D-Day, DH went NC immediately when I confronted and our children are grown. I really respect and admire those of you who can pull off Plan-A with an ongoing A.

The principles of MB are excellant. Keep following them. You are in my prayers.

God's Blessings,

Say

Look, you're only on this planet once and for a very short time. You deserve to be happy. Would you want to miss your one chance at true happiness?

Direct quote from an email a friend sent to my WW:

"I am sorry to hear of your break up however, after my 44 years on this earth I firmly believe that you need to be happy, life is way to short."

In my best Dr Phil voice, "How's that working for you?" It's probably not, so don't focus on the affair.
You cannot educate a WW, so I wouldn't go down this path. Everything you say is true, but she wouldn't hear it from you, and it will do no good to have this fantasy conversation in your head, it will spill over into your real-life interactions.
You probably are, but don't lose hope. If she were happy, she wouldn't have chosen the affair. If done well, this is a good line of thinking. It gets you to focus on how you can meet her needs and eliminate LBs.
No, you probably made her happy, or she wouldn't have married you. The other side of that coin is that living with someone gives you ample opportunity to do things that make her unhappy. The OM doesn't have these opportunities in the fantasy relationship she's in.

You see, she IS happy. That much is true. But this sort of happiness is not sustainable. The question is, can you keep yourself together, fix what you've been doing wrong, so that the tables turn again? Can you eliminate LB behavior as the OM has more opportunity to make her unhappy with his LB behaviors that begin to creep in?
In the SHORT term, you may be right. But if she's spending the time with him, he has more opportunity than you to make her unhappy. So if you eliminate LBs and meet whatever needs possible, the tables MAY turn in your favor.
I doubt they are right in the long term. They may be right in the short term, but long term, the odds are way against it. This is your opportunity to take an honest assessment of YOU and what YOU are doing.

Don't look at what she's doing, or not doing, because you can't change it. You cannot change what her friends, her lover, etc are saying.

What you can do is to correct what you can about your approach and when the affair dies out, be the best choice she can make, if you still want her by then.


Maybe. But that's because you are taking your cues from someone in an affair it seems.

Focus on you and only you. Not in a selfish way, but in the way that you focus on your behaviors, your thoughts, your actions, etc. Ignore all of what she's saying and about 90% of what she's doing. It's short term, and will not last.

PS, in now way am I blaming you for her choice to have an affair, she owns that 100%. However, it's likely that unless she was a Sociopath, you were doing things that made her unhappy, or question your value as a spouse. When what appeared to be a better deal to her came along, she jumped.

Do you own your LB behavior?

It's no excuse nor is it justification for her affair. But as Dr H says, the failure to meet your spouses needs puts your marriage at risk.