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Yeah, that too, PSUBIKER.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. 
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Thanks to a merciful God, we don't all get what we deserve. DING DING DING! PM has the right answer, amen!
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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I prefer the Rolling Stones take:
"You can't always get what you want..but if you try, sometimes, you just might find...you get what you need." That's a good line.
Married 7/10/04
Me: BS 32, WW:26
D-Day 12/23/09
Separation 12/28/09-
OM Revealed 1/12/10
WW cuts most contact with me/Starts seeing a different OM 2/2/10
Divorce papers served 10/15/10
Divorce finalized 11/9/10
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Thanks to a merciful God, we don't all get what we deserve. You call this mercy?
I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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I filed for Divorce last week and will serve her the papers as soon as I get them. All of my friends and family think I should move on. They all seem to think that I am too good for her and that the kids and I deserve much much better.
Written by a BH (ed32).Followed by:So I am considering seeing other people too. My daughter has a friend with a single mom. We've talked about setting up a playdate and I am thinking about asking her out if she is not seeing anyone and interested. I feel like I do deserve better and feel ready to move on. Maybe that would be a huge mistake, but I feel like it would help open my eyes to what else is out there. I just feel like if I started to see someone else then it would pretty much seal the deal as far as a divorce. But I seriously think that would be for the best.
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A very smart woman once told me to drop the word "deserve" from my vocabulary. I find using the word uncomfortable cuz I know if I got what I "deserved" it would not be pretty.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Thanks to a merciful God, we don't all get what we deserve. You call this mercy? Yes. God didn't make your WXW do those horrible things to you. That was HER choice and you can bet your bottom dollar some day she will get what she "deserves".
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Posts: 35,996
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Who deserves to be happy without making efforts to be worthy of happiness?
Who deserves success without effort?
What we deserve is, the opportunity to build a happy & successful life for ourselves.
We don't deserve a happy & successful life via unethical behaviors.
Or, by being lazy.
Or, by waiting for happiness & success to be delivered to our doorstep wrapped up in a balloon bouquet with a banner that reads:
"Congratulations Sweepstakes Winner !"
If "happiness" and "success" are at the expense of our morals/values/integrity, how is that happiness "deserved" ???
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What does this mean exactly?
Variations:
"You deserve to be loved."
"You deserve better."
Is this "advise" practical or feasible when offered to a BS?
I am never sure exactly what the BS is supposed to do with this advice/information.
I THINK it is intended to inspire the BS to love/respect themselves more than they do.
But, I'm not sure.
Debate?
Comment?
I think it's a WS's way of presenting themselves to their BS as inferior goods, therefore the spouse shouldn't want them, since the spouse is "superior" to the WS. When a WS says that, I think what they really mean to say is something like this: "I'm going to pretend I'm not good enough for you, therefore you should not feel sorry or be upset when I leave. If you're sorry or upset, I'll feel bad, and I don't like to feel bad, so let's avoid that by all means, shall we? Of course we know that I'm MORE than good enough - I'm so wonderful that most mates would pale in comparison to me. That's what my OP says ALL the time, and she/he should know! But let's pretend that my betrayal of you and our M and my departure to be with the OP is simply my acknowledgement of your right to have a more superior person in your life. Aren't I just so self-sacrificing and understanding? What do you mean, you don't agree? You HAVE to agree that I'm inferior! I'll feel guilty if you don't, and it's all about ME, here!..." This is what WH says to me all the time - "you deserve to find someone who makes you happy! How can living with me when you know I'm in love with OW and unhappy in our marriage make YOU happy? If YOU found someone who loved you like OW loves me I'd be happy for you!" It's ALL CRAP. Just a way to excuse their actions. And it infuriates and hurts me every time.
Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10
Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10
Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012
Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
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Yes. I think we need to be careful when we express the very same sentiment ("You deserve to be happy") to the BS on this forum.
It's a misguided message.
Or, at the very least, a mixed/confusing message.
Generally, it is intended as a supportive comment, when it is made to the WS, or to the BS.
Still, misguided, IMO.
Last edited by Pepperband; 04/20/10 11:14 AM. Reason: clarity
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Pep,
The phrase I use to keep this from being misguided is "proportional happiness". Most people's difficulties come when they have an expectation of disproportional happiness. Most people deserve to be happy proportional to how much effort they put into it.
Then I also let them know that unfortunately, "deserve" has nothing to do with it.
Me 43 BH
MT 43 WW
Married 20 years, No Kids, 2 Difficult Cats
D-day July, 2005
4.5 False Recoveries
Me - recovered
The M - recovered
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The word "deserve" makes me cringe every single dang time!
Last edited by faithful follower; 04/20/10 12:02 PM.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Posts: 35,996
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Pep,
The phrase I use to keep this from being misguided is "proportional happiness". Most people's difficulties come when they have an expectation of disproportional happiness. Most people deserve to be happy proportional to how much effort they put into it.
Then I also let them know that unfortunately, "deserve" has nothing to do with it.
I concur.
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