My wife and I separated in November because of an affair. I broke all contact with the OW the 1st week of January. I gave her my passwords, she has my cell phone records, etc. But has NEVER checked them, and does not want to discuss the affair. She has just committed to working things out with me and moving home this past weekend. April 17th. We are in counseling, but she doesn't feel the need to read SAA, and says she doesn't feel like she needs any more counseling (although she's willing to go) She says once she decided to work things out, and push the images out of her head, that she is now fine. Doesn't want to know anything, or talk about it at all. She has not checked my emails or anything because she doesn't want to be the type to snoop. That's "not how she wants to live" I know everyone is different and she is a very strong person, but this is so abnormal from everything else on here I've read. I'm just a little worried.

Oh, and she said whats the point of checking when you can just make a new email account or get a prepay phone I dont know about (which are things I did)

I want her to heal, She says she's fine now, but I'm concerned.

Is she the type of person that "buries" their feelings inside? It worries me too, she must have questions/thoughts or anxieties.

Well she knows everything, because I've told her. But she never has any nagging questions that come up or anything. Yes she buries her feelings.

Since making the commitment on saturday, she has seemed like a totally different person. She seems in love again, and happy, just like that?

djb, how did your BW find out about the affair in the first place?

It sounds like she is throwing the ball in your court and is waiting to see if you are going to live up to what you have said - and if you don't, she may just walk away and never look back.

You said she is a very strong person and it may well be that she is simply not willing to go through the kind of agony that so many BS here go through. Remember - you don't read much here about the BS who simply walked away, because they're not here.

I can sure relate to her saying, "What's the point of checking when you can just open a new email account/get a new phone?"

I did finally reach the point where I stopped looking and checking and asking any questions, though it took me a lot longer. I disconnected from him and finally just put it all on him to clean up the mess, if it was worth it to him.

And guess what? THAT'S when he left. He left when, like your BW, I finally asked myself "what's the point?" He left when I stopped caring about him (because it was too painful and damaging to me to care about him). He left when he therefore no longer had a wife AND girlfriends.

As I said to my XWH: "You wanted to fool me, and you did. Congratulations."

Your BW is thinking this, too.

Can you tell us what YOU are doing to create a different, better marriage?

I think you missed the point. She has just now decided to move back home, and work things out, after months of me trying to get her back. She was ready to walk away a couple months ago, but has decided to give it another chance. I just want to make sure she eventually gets past this, and I don't find her crying alone in the closet about it regularly.

She found out because I wouldn't quit talking to this girl online. She put up with it for the better part of a year until she decided to leave. That's when I told her everything.

As far as the other post about what I'm doing to change things. I've been reading a lot of books, going to counseling, started going to church. Doing things with her, talking her her often. I never went anywhere with her or had fun with her. I just stayed home on the computer. It was that way for the 1st 7 years of our marriage. I'm tired of sitting home, and I finally realized how much fun I can have with her, and it's made a huge difference for both of us. I'm especially much more aware of OUR specific needs and how to meet them since reading HN HN.

Okay - so she already walked out once, and therefore she knows she can make it perfectly well without you and is not afraid to be alone.

She is probably operating from this position of strength because she knows for a fact that if you cheat on her again, she will do just fine. But I wouldn't expect her to give you a second chance.

Again - exactly how did your wife find out about the affair? Was she checking phones and email and that's how she found out? I'd sooner shove my hand down a garbage disposal than go through that again, and your wife probably feels the same way.

I hope you will keep posting here and that your marriage is truly recovered. My .02 is that you have a very strong woman for a wife who wants you, but doesn't need you. That's why she's not worried.

No she never checked on me. She happened to walk by once and saw a very long email to/from this person and she asked about it, saying theres no woman you need to be talking to that much. Then she saw the cell phone minutes to this person, and that's when the problems started.

You are right about the fact that she doesn't need me. She was perfectly fine on her own and had gotten comfortable living by herself (her words)

But she does want to save her marriage, and loves the things I've changed over the past few months.

Man, I'd KILL to have my WH act like you....

Besides the point, she may not feel the need, but still continue to give access, account for time, STAY OFF THE COMPUTER AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE! Just my $.02 there.

I do want to hear what you are doing to create a better you/better atmosphere for your marriage though, because you need to make sure you're proving to HER that you are doing the right things....

I'd be sleeping with one eye open if I were you.....

I'm not exactly sure about what you meant in the last part of your post, but I have been proving things to her, which is why she started coming back around, and talking to me.

I am a BS who also knows I make it without my WH and survive. I also know that I won't give him another chance. Perhaps your wife feels the way I do, which is that I want to see the changes he is making. It sounds like you are making good changes, too - counseling, church, MB, etc.

For me, at almost 8 months since d-day, I am seeing changes and happy but not convinced that they are permanent. It is going to take more time and more experience before I believe they are permaent. It would be easier to walk away, but I am not doing that. I think your wife is feeling the same way, and my advice is to keep assuring her that you are going to be there forever, showing her by your actions that you are not the same guy who could have an affair.

Just my opinion.

sorry, maybe I should have proofread, my mind is going in overdrive today...

Good for you then.

DJB, I just wanted to pop in and say that this happens. My BW doesn't check on me - and I too wish she did. I am 100% clean and would love for her to test me. What Mulan suggested above may be the case - there is no way to really know. I guess that different people react differently to different things.

My thought regarding my W is that as the BS she has a right to deal with the aftermath in whatever way she wants. I have no right to get her to react any particular way. However, as a WS, I am bound to behave and react in whatever way she wants.

Also, you may suggest HNHN instead of SAA. It focuses on building a strong M regardless of whether there has been an A or not.

First of all you have to give her time. Allow her to have the kind of time she needs to sort through the mess that you have brought into the M. You wrote that she caught you once and you refused to stop talking to xow until she left. When we women have had enough we have had enough. Don't push her. Plan A her. Send her flowers and stay off of the computer. Ask her about her day and fill her love bank by giving her your undivided attention. I can tell you that your W is confused, hurt, angry and probably going a little crazy right now because the person she trusted most has just broken her heart in a million pieces. My DH did a wonderful job at mending our M and making up for his A and I am so grateful he did. He walked on water to make up for his A even when I didn't have the energy to try.

I have been doing all those things, Thank you. She would also be the first to tell you.

What is POJA?

*POJA*

The crux of POJA

Sounds like a very smart lady to me.

Think about it.

And treasure what you have.

Jumping through hoops are you?

Good!

Rearrange the sentences.

Larry