Hi, this is my first visit and first posting so I am sorry if I ramble a bit.

For the past year I have been on my own after the final affair my husband had in March last year.

Since then there have been massive barriers around my feelings to avoid experiencing the hurt I felt then. Anyone that even shows interest in me I push away after sometimes the first but mostly by the second date.

Today I have been thinking (it is our 10th wedding anniversary as we are still married) that enough is enough. I have to figure out how to bring down the barrier, try to not judge men on his behaviour and give them a chance but how do do this? How do you take that first step to letting someone in?

I met a lovely man but because of my insecurities the relationship can never move forward and now I think it probably isn't even savable, all because I couldn't trust and let him know how I feel about him.

Any advice I would appreciate and any tips I will certainly try as I really am ready to take that next step and put an end to what was my most horrible year.

Thanks for reading.

Kinsey

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Kinsey.

Did I understand you correctly? You and your husband separated after he had an affair a year ago? But you've not gotten divorced?

Are you pursuing divorce, trying to reconcile, or just planted your feet firmly in the air?

I wonder if your reluctance to finish with the affair isn't creating some of those barriers of which you speak. From a strictly legal and moral standpoint, you and your husband are still man and wife. That is a very real barrier that will keep you from being able to truly commit to another.

This isn't just idle chatter on my part. My first wife left me, but then failed to act on cutting the final tie for five years (as did I, but for different reasons -- ignorance of the process being foremost). She got involved with an old boyfriend, but as long as she was married to me, she did not have to commit to him in a binding way. I finally ended the marriage, and she did wind up marrying him, but it was convenient for her to not have to face up to the choices for a long while.

My suggestion to you is to examine yourself and find out why you have created these barriers. Once you discover what Kinsey is all about, you'll better be able to explore new relationships.

Just my free advice. It's worth what you paid for it.

There are a lot of red flags here. Almost too many to be true.

But assuming it's true, here's my advice: respect the barriers. They are there to protect you. You don't need to trust every lovely man out there, or even one.

Why are you dating if you aren't divorced yet? You are going to need some time in between to find who you are separate and apart from your XH. I wouldn't trust a man either who was dating a married woman. But all that aside, there are some good threads here about trusting, forgiving, dealing with triggers, etc.

Hi and thanks for the comments.

The reason we are not divorced yet is because we are living in Cyprus. The cost is a minimum 1000 euros which I don't have. I was hoping to go to the UK and start proceedings there but with one thing and another I haven't gotten round to it.

I really am not holding onto the marriage or not divorcing for emotional reasons. If he wanted to go to the solicitor and start it I'd sign the papers without a problem.

He didn't just have one affair, it was multiple and there is only so much forgiving one person can do.

I don't see myself as a married woman, it is a technical hitch Kay. I don't think it is wrong of me to want to move on and enjoy some life. I just feel that I'm putting up barriers to stop anyone getting too close and wonder how to lower them, not to take them away completely, just to stop pushing people away.

Green, every word is true, could you explain what you mean by red flags?

Thanks again for taking the time to respond.

Kinsey

This is a red flag: "(it is our 10th wedding anniversary as we are still married)" You write this, then you write that you don't see yourself as a married woman.

You will trust again and see men for themselves AFTER you've given yourself time to heal. The reason you're not having a relationship with someone new is because you haven't healed from the old relationship. I suggest you don't worry about lowering the barriers. They will lower themselves when the time is right. If you had been divorced for 10 years and were having this problem, I'd say something different.

Hmmm...marriage as a technicality...that's a new one.
I do understand that you are done investing in this marriage and I don't blame you. I hope you can resolve this soon so you can move on.
Re: "it was multiple and there is only so much forgiving one person can do."
I disagree. The Bible says 70 times 7. I forgave my XH "multiple affairs"...I just chose not to stick around for more of the same. The requirement of forgiveness knows no limits...but you have to first understand what forgiveness IS and what it ISN'T.

Oh I do understand forgiveness Kay, if I didn't then I couldn't have got through the past year and still be the person I am. Obviously I haven't gone into details here and if you knew the whole sordid story you would I'm sure not disagree.

Anyway that really is off topic I am working on lowering the barriers I've erected not any that someone else has caused me to have.