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I posted this thread jack on Broken5sec's thread ...
I decided to make it my own thread.
I do not understand why someone would be opposed to having others know their history...Especially in the case of being a FWS or FOM/FOW - It doesn't make sense to me...  Mrs. W
I think you, Mrs W, use your past wayward experience in a way that is VERY helpful and VERY effective, to help others.
Same goes to you, TST, you use your former waywardness as a powerful weapon to help former wayward men, and to help their wives.
Your turn-around gives hope to many others.
Your turn-around inspires many others.
KUDOS to you BOTH
You BOTH have experience as waywards, and you USE that experience in a way that is both BRAVE and ADMIRABLE.
Something I can appreciate, but never duplicate.
And your forthright honesty about your past waywardness is a shining example that people CAN change, and that marriages CAN be "saved".
Your openness about your past (both of you) is very inspiring.
By that I mean, you use HONESTY and OPENNESS to help others.Dr Harley writes:Honesty and Openness is one of the ten most important emotional needs identified in marriage, which means that when it's met, it can trigger the feeling of love. But it's counterpart, dishonesty, is one of the five most destructive Love Busters. When spouses are dishonest, they destroy the love they have for each other.
Having said that, I think that both of you DEMONSTRATE "Honesty and Openness" to the rest of us, by example.
Your successful marriages (both of you) speak volumes about the strength of character that comes from DOING the WORK, not talking about doing the work.
Anyone can regurgitate the Harley concepts if they hang around long enough.
It is good. It is fine.
BUT, when a former wayward with a successful marriage after recovery speaks .... I ALWAYS PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION.
Because, you don't just talk the talk ....
YOU WALKED THE WALK
YOU FOUGHT THE FIGHT
YOU ARE BOTH LIVING TESTIMENTS TO THE POWER OF DOING THE GOOD THING AND GETTING THE GOOD RESULTS.
If you had hidden your former wayward experiences from the rest of us on this forum, you would be just another couple of posters, and not the inspirational role models that you have become.
So  there!
Put THAT in your pipe, and smoke it.
If you had hidden your former wayward experiences from the rest of us on this forum, you would be just another couple of posters, and not the inspirational role models that you have become.
KUDOS TO YOU !!!!
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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AMEN (mine is bigger than yours)
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Is it just me or is Pep extra feisty these past couple of days?!?!  For the record, I think that LG (lousygolfer) fits in with this group too. MB is lucky to have all of em'.......
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I think that LG (lousygolfer) fits in with this group too.
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Well wow, gosh thank you very much, Pep!  I don't take this "compliment" without the realization that I should never have put myself into a position to need to be given kudos for openness and honesty though...If I would have done in the first place what I vowed to do, well y'know...  I think I'll put my entire merciless threadjack of Broken5sec's thread here: Larry, I disagree that it doesn't help for people here to know the perspective from which we post. That is WHY I have "FWW" in my signature line - no other reason. It's not like I walk around with "FWW" on all my clothing - Here at home I am simply me - we don't use labels at home, or even around town -lol- but HERE, where we are offering advice to people in crisis [most of the time affair related crises], it DOES matter. Further, there are some people that post here who would not wish to take my advice based upon my history - and that is their right - I accept being "judged" where my past is concerned - I understand that the poor choices that I made then are subject to judgment by others - Heck, *I* judge my adultery - it was WRONG - I was BAD then! Now, I am no longer making poor choices today - who I was then, is NOT who I am now, but that doesn't mean that the consequences of my adultery are removed. Part of those consequences include some people not wishing to interact with me...I fully accept responsibility for what I did back then, and part of taking full responsibility is owning ALL of the consequences... I do not understand why someone would be opposed to having others know their history...Especially in the case of being a FWS or FOM/FOW - It doesn't make sense to me... You know, another reason I think openness and honesty about our posting perspective is important has to do with empathy. When newly BSs arrive here they have been so harshly ravaged, not only by the act of adultery itself, but also by the lying and gaslighting they have been subjected to at the hands of their WS. To give them anything less than complete forthrightness just seems especially cruel to me. It's a matter of respect as well. I think it's important to allow others the choice to decide for themselves whether they wish to take your advice or not. Some people may not care about the "label" one way or the other, but for those that do care, to hide it seems not only disrespectful, and non-empathetic, but also sorta "sinister", at least that's my opinion... Thanks again, Pep. I'm very glad you started this thread. I think it's an important topic.  Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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Is it just me or is Pep extra feisty these past couple of days?!?! For the record, I think that LG (lousygolfer) fits in with this group too. MB is lucky to have all of em'....... I don't think LG has been feisty at all lately.  I agree... MB is lucky to have 'em.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Very Sweet Pep..... Thank You
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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I don't take this "compliment" without the realization that I should never have put myself into a position to need to be given kudos for openness and honesty though...If I would have done in the first place what I vowed to do, well y'know...
My entire book group are AA ladies, save for one other, and myself.
I would much rather hang out with a bunch of reformed sinners who are open and honest about their past than I would with a bunch of phonies.
It takes GUTS to admit our faults.
It takes even MORE GUTS (plus Grace from God) to admit our faults and make the necessary corrections.
I will NEVER forget FaithfulFollowers sorry admission that she had been a WW long before she was a BW. I am so grateful that I was witness to such a beautiful moment.
It is a beautiful moment when we make a decision to live with integrity.
The NOOBS need to know that the MOST admirable amongst us are those who are open and honest about our relevant past, as it applies to the advice we dish out.
We don't need perfect, blemish free histories.
We need current openness and honesty.
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I just finished reading Broken's thread where the t/j occurred........
It is CRUCIAL for all newbies to know where we have been and to know our histories......
To Larry SPECIFICALLY, you do a HUGE disservice to this board by not being forthright about your past. I watched that entire exchange on your now DISAPPEARED thread. It was with great saddness that I read about your past and refusal to admit. Saddness because I thought of the newbies that had come whom you had tried to help and didn't know where your words come from. You didn't give them the OPTION of deciding whether they like you advice. Advice that comes from being an OM........
And when you hide the truth, truth that DID come to light, you put the integrity of this ENTIRE board on the line........Because when they find out there is ONE liar in the group, it calls into question everyone......and that is utterly repugnant........
Not2fun
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I watched that entire exchange on your now DISAPPEARED thread. Locked, so it cannot be bumped, but not disappeared.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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You know Pep, I hold those that really work a 12 Step Program in the HIGHEST regard... One of my dearest friends is a member of AA - 5 years sober now - I did not know her "before" - I met her shortly after she joined AA - She is one of the most honest and just plain real people that I know - I cannot imagine her any other way - she assures me that she was rotten to the core prior to AA - that's really hard for me to imagine! She knows all about my past as well...We both hold each other to high standards - neither one of us hesitating for even a second to tell the other if we need to do a "self-check"...She is a genuine treasure... Mr. W and I have also found that people actively working a 12 Step Program make excellent employees...They are real blessings... All this to say, I agree with you... And thank you again...  Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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The NOOBS need to know that the MOST admirable amongst us are those who are open and honest about our relevant past, as it applies to the advice we dish out.
We don't need perfect, blemish free histories.
We need current openness and honesty. ITA!
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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It is CRUCIAL for all newbies to know where we have been and to know our histories......
To Larry SPECIFICALLY, you do a HUGE disservice to this board by not being forthright about your past. I watched that entire exchange on your now DISAPPEARED thread. It was with great saddness that I read about your past and refusal to admit. Saddness because I thought of the newbies that had come whom you had tried to help and didn't know where your words come from. You didn't give them the OPTION of deciding whether they like you advice. Advice that comes from being an OM........
And when you hide the truth, truth that DID come to light, you put the integrity of this ENTIRE board on the line........Because when they find out there is ONE liar in the group, it calls into question everyone......and that is utterly repugnant........
Not2fun Thank you for saying this. I've been distressed about the resumption of "wisdom" without acknowledgment of crime against a marriage and only justifications and rationalizations. Double standards don't sit well with me. Every post made since has been colored by the fact that he knows the words, but doesn't know the music. I haven't known of a way to put it and still comply with TOS. Thank you N2F - you expressed it perfectly. Larry - please don't skirt around this!
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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I've been distressed about the resumption of "wisdom" without acknowledgment of crime against a marriage and only justifications and rationalizations.
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This goes out to EVERY FORMER WAYWARD poster who has been open and honest about their past.
KUDOS TO YOU !!!!
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 Yep......I can think of a few more...... ST, Resonance (Lala), Looking4, Skald, GloveOil
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We don't need perfect, blemish free histories.
We need current openness and honesty.
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