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A Simple Explanation of Baseball
This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one that's in, sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count.
When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.
When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.
The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in.
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Foot Snuggle
On a chilly winter evening, my husband and I were snuggled together on the floor watching television. During a commercial break, he reached over and gave my foot a gentle squeeze.
"Mmmmm," I said. "That's so sweet."
"Actually," he admitted sheepishly, "I thought that was the remote."
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I just got a huge headache. LOL
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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A Simple Explanation of Baseball
This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one that's in, sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count.
When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.
When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.
The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in. Reading that was much like watching baseball: Only a short way in my eyes clouded over, my brain shut down and I desperately wanted a beer and hotdog.
"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." - Freidrich Nietzsche
Living Happily Ever After with Drgnfly
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GIFT WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN
This is the time of year we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb, went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "... presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper. If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts were insideth 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him... she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion. This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)
If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape. On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting...
Gift-Wrapping Tip For Men:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.
* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning.
YOUR WIFE MAY ASK: "Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?"
YOU: "It's a gift! See? It has a bow!"
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): "It's a leaf blower."
YOU: "Gas-powered! Five horsepower!"
YOUR WIFE: "I want a divorce."
YOU: "I also got you some myrrh."
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday
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I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to **** off!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
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YO HO, OH NO!
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test...
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
today'sTHOT============================
You know you are getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
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SANTA'S PRAYER ON CHRISTMAS EVE
The sleigh was all packed, the reindeer were fed,
But Santa still knelt by the side of the bed.
"Dear Father," he prayed "Be with me tonight.
There's much work to do and my schedule is tight.
I must jump in my sleigh and streak through the sky,
Knowing full well that a reindeer can't fly.
I will visit each household before the first light,
I'll cover the world and all in one night.
With sleighbells a-ringing, I'll land on each roof,
Amid the soft clatter of each little hoof.
To get in the house is the difficult part,
So I'll slide down the chimney of each child's heart.
My sack will hold toys to grant all their wishes.
The supply will be endless like the loaves and the fishes.
I will fill all the stockings and not leave a track.
I'll eat every cookie that is left for my snack.
I can do all these things Lord, only through You,
I just need your blessing, then it's easy to do.
All this is to honor the birth of the One,
That was sent to redeem us, Your most Holy Son.
So to all of my friends, least Your glory I rob,
Please Lord, remind them who gave me this job."
today'sTHOT============================
He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree
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Self Serve Christmas
A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found buying presents for family and friends a bit much one Christmas, so she wrote out checks for all of them to put in their Christmas cards.
In each card she wrote, "Buy your own present" and then sent them off.
After the Christmas festivities were over, she found the checks in her desk!
Everyone had gotten a Christmas card from her with "Buy your own present" written inside, but without the checks!
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Top 10 things to say about a holiday gift you don't like:
10) Hey! There's a gift.
9.) Well, well, well...
8.) Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.
7.) Perfect for wearing in the basement.
6.) Wow, I hope this never catches fire!
5.) If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4.) I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3.) Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
2.) To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1.) I really don't deserve this.
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Lil you crack me up. I don't know where you come up with all of this stuff.
I couldn't remember a joke if my life depended on it....
BS - me 56
XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Something For Mom
The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.
Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he said, "OK, you can ask for something but it has to be for someone other than yourself. What do you want for Christmas?"
"Something for my mother," said the young lady.
"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "
Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"
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Decided this might be a bit risque for some, so put it into a spolier box, just so no one 'accidently' stumbles over it  . I did post it a couple of years ago on the Goddess thread, but figure there's enough new people who could do with a laugh. All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of Easy, painless removal ** The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the "Wax".
Read on......btw don't drink anything while reading this!
My night began as any other normal weeknight.
Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.
I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the Next few hours.
"Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits.
No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your Hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss.
How hard can it be?I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined Enough to Figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out.
Its two strips facing each other stuck together.
Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the Hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"yeah...right!)I lay the Strip across my thigh.
Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.
I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me !
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin Extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north.
After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the Ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side Of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching Down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!**
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....
OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the Strip.
CR*P!
Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe...........
OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy, a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so Much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair.
The hair that should be on the strip...it's not!
I touch.
I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now Covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped Upon the toilet?**
I know I need to do something.
So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut!
My butt is sealed shut.
Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and Think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop.
My head may pop off!
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
Immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it Off, right???
WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub -
The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war Or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse t han having your nether regions glued
Together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the Tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented Myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone Put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some Secret of how to get me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued Together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause.
She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side
of the box.YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions.
I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor.
Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point?
I rub some on and OH MY STARS!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
"IT WORKS!!...
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE........ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off.Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I plan to color my own hair
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Note From Judge
During court one busy day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."
Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.
Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!"
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Hmm, starting to feel this is my own personal thread... Note: as a kiwi I find myself sadly able to understand alot of the following  You know you're Australian if.... You know the meaning of 'girt' You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bun' You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff' You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas' You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep You call your best friend 'a total (child of unmarried parents)' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a (child of unmarried parents)' You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy' You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber' You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again' You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'U You wear ugh boots outside the house You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse' You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies' You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours' When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.
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Lost Bible
"The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it's mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow.
"Your name was written inside the cover."
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Lil, you are a fine one to talk about the Aussies! After all, I've been to Whakarewarewa.
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Lil, you are a fine one to talk about the Aussies! After all, I've been to Whakarewarewa.
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Oh yeah, and the 'car washes' were called 'Rub-A-Dub' in several places. What was with that? And that souvenier shop in the lobby of the cathedral in Christchurch....walking distance from the sign - in front of a construction site - that said: Another erection by Blo-Max
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