lgtex,
You do indeed seem to be doing well. Your question about wondering if you've made the right decision to stay with the committed, remorseful FWH is one that we all ask ourselves at different times during the recovery process. I think your answer is in your line about having really good days where you feel like you now have the best hubby anyone could ask for. You are not crazy. It's almost impossible at this point in the recovery process to feel blessed with all his efforts. The truth of it is that he is doing a really wonderful job of taking care of the wounds he inflicted. You can feel blessed that he has seen the light and wants to take care of you, but there is still pain from the injury.

The vets further along than we are attest to the fact that eventually the wound will heal, that the pain will cease, and there will only be a scar to occasionally remind us of the terrible hurt of the past.

I'm so happy that you seem to be progressing so well.

GY

You would be nuts if you didn't question yourself. That's a natural self-protection behavior, and thankfully you're wired to protect yourself from the kind of trauma you've endured as a result of your husband's selfish, inconsiderate behavior. So yes, wondering is normal.

You are doing the right thing staying with him. He's busting his tail to make things right. You two won't ever have the naive starry-eyed marriage you used to have, but you'll have one that's stronger, more honest, and fortified. I'll take the latter over the former any day.

igtex,
Glad to see you're moving along. Reread my post above at the top of the page. What you feel is very normal. We all ask ourselves these questions. You can expect to continue to do it for some time.

And you will begin to trust yourself again. You made decisions in the past based on the facts at hand. That's all you can expect of yourself. We can't see into a person's soul. We don't know what they are thinking and we have no control over them.

Maintain your boundaries. And for the near future, verify.



Check out Landairsea. It's the "tracking key" one.

Golden, turtle and michele,

Thank you for the support! I just need to hear it from others occasionally. I will enjoy the long weekend ahead and do my darndest to not bring on any LB's

I am 4 months out from D-Day, recovery.....going better than I expected. (not that I know what to expect!)

I'm not a "mean or vengeful" person, but these A's have brought out thoughts in me that have never crossed my mind about another person, like the OW getting hit by a train and die a slow painful death!

Anyhow, the OW is divorced w kids. OW was never exposed to anyone, since my FWH NC immediately. I have this urge to send a letter to her parents and ex telling what she has done. (I don't know them, but could find out somehow) I know there is a lot of resentment in me and I just want to do something to make her miserable! (OW is very far away)

Is this a bad idea?? notifying OW parents/ex

Depends.

Are you doing it to strengthen your M, or to have the satisfaction of hurting OW?

You do know NC, is NC for BOTH of you, right?
Forget about her, work on your M Much more productive use of time.

IMHO, if the OW is not M'd and there has been NC you stay NC. You do not want to stir the pot. Exposure is meant to help end the affair or to make a BS aware of what is going on.

Glad you are doing so well!

Every time you get this idea, sit down. Pull off one of your shoes. Give it a good, hard whack to knock all the crud off that may have collected on the bottom. See what you knocked off? That's better than OW.

She's not worth your time. Karma will be visiting her shortly, with or without your knowledge.

Anyhow, I know this takes time, for me to recover, but I have days where I wonder if I'm doing the right thing by staying with WH. I mean, what kind of person could do this to your spouse? My WH was the kind of guy everyone looked up to and sought advice from, he was a real "boy scout" in everyones eyes.

I guess I doubt my ability to chose a "faithful/Honest" spouse.... can I trust my own judgement now to give him another chance? The media coverage on Tiger and Sandra B's WH's doesnt help....they are divorcing theirs WH's (so the media says)

Granted, I do have really good days where I feel like I now have the best hubby anyone could ask for!

Am I crazy??? should I feel blessed that he is doing all these things to make it right?? [/quote]



I am new to this board and just saw this today. I am sorry you are here as well. Our timeline is about the same and my WH admitted to an A and 2 other ONS as well.

When I found out about the A I was 4 days away from delivering our 3rd son. When I found out it was really a PA 3 months later I also figured out this wasn't the first time. When he finally admitted to the other ONS I had to stand there with a straight face as the room was spinning around me. Everything I thought I knew about my husband and my marriage was totally destroyed in a matter or minutes.

I wake up everyday questioning whether I am doing the right thing, and wonder did I ever really know my husband? Can this be repaired? Am I making the right choice by staying? The worst question I ask myself is this....am I an idiot for staying? Then I look at my 3 boys and know I owe it to them to raise them in a two parent loving home.

I have been told by many that have been down this road that it is long, and dark, but if done right my marriage can be better than ever. I can one day have the husband and father to my boys that I always wanted. Hang in there it is going to be tough, but these people have some great advice.

If you can I would suggest some sessions with Steve Harley, he is GREAT!

Wow, your story so similar to mine it brought tears to my eyes. It's like reliving it all over again. I'm so sorry you found out just before the birth of your child. This is the hardest things I have ever dealt with, and I can't imagine going through this compounded with the birth/hormones of a new baby.

I am a few months ahead of you, so maybe I can offer a little insight or support or just a shoulder to cry on.

How is your husband responding now that he has come clean? Is he remorseful?

Did he send a NC letter?

I KNOW the feelings well.....I ask myself several times a day "How stupid am I" and "who is this person I married?" I am not one that makes "snap" decisions and I am giving it lots of time. My husband has done a 180. He is now the husband most women dream of having. It's just a crying shame this is what it took.

here is my email if you would like to talk
gr8tway41@yahoo.com

Are you doing it to strengthen your M, or to have the satisfaction of hurting OW?

No, this would be entirely to humiliate her!
I thank ya'll for talking me out of doing "stupid" things!

Help.....

In my attempt at recovery, I asked my husband today to take a poly next week to comfirm in my head that there has been NC. He's good with that, but I gave him a list of a few other questions that he was visibly distrubed about....hmmmm... knew something was up.

Learned there was inappropriate contact kissing/oral sex with one other woman, twice.

And, one of his ONS was actually twice.

I'm so mad I can't even cry!!! I called him names threw stuff at him and told him to leave.

I'm trying to calm down but I cant believe that he can't be open and honest with me!

I'm thinking of calling it quits, I don't know how much more I can take.

any advice....before I implode!

I hope you are still going to go through with the polygraph. I have read on here many times about WS trickle truthing until the moment before the polygraph and even trying to back out of it in the parking lot. For your own piece of mind, don't back out of it.

After you find out ALL of the info, give yourself a couple of days to figure out what you really want to do. Don't act out of raw emotions. I know it's hard, just breath and figure out what you really want.

I agree with Scotty. Our MC specializes in infidelity issues and recommends polygraphs sometimes. She says that the night before a polygraph, or even minutes before, is usually the time the WS comes clean.

Stick to your guns if you need it.