I was just thinking why people have affairs to begin with? If we could know why, then maybe alot of us would be aware of the signs and possibly try to stop it before it even happens. In today's society the rate of divorce is so very high compared to years and years ago.

Katya,<P>Went to a movie last night, "Random Heart". It probably wasn't the greatest movie to watch at this time because it was of course about having affairs. But the "WHY" question has always been a biggie for me and one that continues to go unanswered to my satisfaction. The character in the movie made the statement ,"there will never be an answer that will satisfy". I related to the need and also reality that WHY doesn't really matter. It happened and the reasons are probably to numerous to pin down. It seems like a reasonable question but truly the Betrayed (me) just wants to understand. Hey, then blame gets spread around. My H says I could of been a vegetable on the couch and it still didn't give him a reason to cheat on me. You would think that would of been good enough but oh no, I still wanted a clear cut answer and reason. Three years later I finally believe that the why just isn't as important as somehow finding your way back to one another. Well, thats my take on it anyway!<P>I think the reason the rate of divorce is so high today is that people don't see the sanctity of marriage anymore and furthermore they don't fear God. There are no absolutes. God says its wrong to defile the marriage bed and so you don't defile the marriage bed, end of discussion. If we really feared disobeying God we would think twice before jumping into bed with another.<BR><P>------------------<BR>eyes wide open<BR>

Dear Taj:<BR>I didn't think you could answer this if you are like me as you are the betrayed. However, I would have to disagree with you in one area where you stated that it is not important to know why just that you get back together. I don't agree because I think it is important to know why it happenned in the first place so we don't make the same mistakes. Yes, there is no reason to justify why the affair took place in the first place, but, if it did why? Was it a lack of communication? Lack of boredom? For one to ignore why will only have more chances of history repeating the same mistake because the problem never got solved to begin with. One cannot fix a problem if one tends to ignore it and just focus on getting back together as if nothing ever happenned. Something did happen for one to go and have an affair. I am curious what the betrayers would say about this, as to why they did. I would probably venture it has to do with communication. But, I don't know. You are certainly correct in stating that people don't have the fear of God. They certainly don't. Well, there, that could be one good reason why some marriages fail...they don't have a common union or a book (bible)of lifes'lessons to follow to a path of spirtualism.

Katya,<P>Six months ago I would of agreed totally with you about the need for and answer to the big WHY. Actually I did get an answer at one point. He said he took his eyes off of God. Now I am a woman who loves God but somehow that sounded like a pat answer. So, I kept on digging and digging and eventually dug myself into a pit of depression. I am very analytical and wanted to have everything layed out and clearly understood. Hey, it didn't happen. Maybe it was because the beginning of the betrayal took place 12 years before, I don't know but the bottom line was I could drive myself insane trying to understand why or else I could try and get on with my life. My counselor finally asked me if I could live without an answer to the big Why? I had to say I wasn't sure and she said possibly I would never get the answer if H was unable to give it. So, thats the fact I'm faced with and I guess in my situation there is not other option other then to bail on my marriage of course. <P>------------------<BR>eyes wide open<BR>

I totally agree with the concept of taking your eyes off of God. I think that even if you aren't a Christian, there's such a thing as taking your eyes off of what is GOOD AND RIGHT, or off of God, as you understand him or her... whatever... your eyes are off what is good and right. <P>I think that's the best answer to date. I could say that my H and I both took our eyes off of EACH OTHER as well. Maybe we took our eyes off of our children. Mostly though, we took our eyes off of our marriage and put them out into the world, which is more than happy to give you ALL SORTS of things to look at. <P>My life feels like a succession of tests and trials, some of which I pass, some of which I fail. I wish things were easier and more clear. But, hey, this is life. Very complex!!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Katya...<P>I am the betrayed, but I did ask my H why he had an affair. After having 2 small children (17 months apart), most of my attention went to them. He said that he thought I didn't care about him anymore, didn't look at him as attractive anymore, didn't know if I loved him anymore, didn't pay attention to him anymore. I was just too preoccupied.<P>It seemed like we were more of roommates and best friends, rather than husband/wife/lovers. We were conflict avoiders so we just avoided the signs that there was a problem in our marriage.<P>Throughout our 7 years together, we hardly fought. I can honestly say that we didn't know how to communicate our needs with each other. We just thought that our problems would magically go away.<P>My H would drink, but not to the extent where he ended up. The more problems we had, the more he drank. He thought that alcohol would help him avoid our problems. He met the OW at a bar (she is a regular, and I'm sure she's been OW before for someone else).<P>He was vulnerable, mind clouded with alcohol and chose to have an affair. He even said that he had to be drunk first before he would go see her. I guess, at the time, that alcohol-clouded mind, helped him avoid the guilt. But, he had a relationship with her because he said that she paid attention to him and made him feel attractive.<P>Now that he is sober, and recovering from the trauma, he can't even believe the poor choice he made, the pain he has caused, me, his family & himself. He says that it is something that he is ashamed of and has to live with for the rest of his life. He says that he is happy that he has a chance to make up for his mistakes and that I am willing to work hard with him to save this marriage also. He realizes that in order for our marriage to work, we need to communicate.<P>Anyway, that's the reason I got from my H, about why he had the affair.<P>p.s. I also believe that a lot of people in today's society don't hold marriage as sacred anymore. Affairs and divorce are easy ways out and unfortunately, a lot of people choose that route. Their attitudes are usually selfish and they only care about making themselves happy...at the expense of others.

Katya<P>I have tried to understand what led to my affairs, for the past 5 years. The reasons No Trust listed, were many of the ones I felt led to my affairs. But, I also believe it had to deal with childhood abandement issues as well. I have also a fear of intamacy. In almost all of the affairs I had, after an emotional involvement, which finally led to having sex, I would end the relationship. It was not about having sex with someone besides my wife. It was part of healing childhood wounds.<P>Read the book, Make Up, Don't Break Up<BR>by Dr. ? She has a lot of interesting theories on affairs.

Here is why I think betrayers have affairs...<P>1. Most affairs start at work, where most people spend the majority of the day or with a "best friend" who spends way too much time<BR>with H or W. That's how my H started his affair.<P>2. Lack of communication between H or W. The mistake that most betrayers make is that instead of trying to fix the problem they turn to someone else for sympathy, companionship, and conversation. My H was doing all this with OW and completely shut me out, would not say one word to me when he came home at night, she had already filled all those needs, there was nothing left for him to communicate with me about.<P>3. Lack of understanding on the part of the betrayer of what it takes to run a household<BR>and take care of children, whether this is a H or W. Betrayer should help spouse with the household and children, so that later they can spend some loving time together rather than having H/W run off with OM/OW. There is a 50/50 responsibility on both H and W for raising the children and keeping a clean<BR>household...running off in fantasy land with OM/OW does not do anything to make a better marriage. Up to two months ago, just before discovery, I was working full time, cleaning the house, cooking meals from scratch, driving the kids everywhere and even cutting<BR>3/4 of an acre of grass per week...after this, I told him that its obvious to me that he has too much free time on his hands and I will no longer doing anymore yard work.<P>4. In-law intereference. Must leave these out of the marriage, must ignore them. My husband started to turn against me because of my own father's big mouth. More than once H would mention to me how nice the OW family was...and how dissappointed he was in my family...and this hurt and pulled us further apart.<P>5. H/W should make efforts to be involved in kids lives. For years I went to the kids school conferences by myself, he was always too busy, working late and never made an effort to be there...as of today...this has changed... he is now expected to be at every meeting....with me...this wrong on his part...I always took care of everything...<P>6. H/W should make every effort to attend baseball games, soccer games, football games<BR>in support of the children....for years...I was always the one who made this extra effort...he was always coming home late or too busy.<P>7. H/W should make every effort to keep themselves physically attractive, a lot of affairs happen because the OM/OM looks better than we do. My H always hated the fact that I was 30 lbs. overweight...now I lost 20 lbs. over this crisis, I plan to lose 10 more...result: my H can't keep his hands off me, tells me I am very sexy, I turn him on, he makes love to me longer and more often...there is benefits to keeping fit and attractive...put on nice, fashionable, sexy clothes, style your hair and use make up.<BR> <BR>There are many more reasons why affairs happen, but, after we know why they happen, then a change can be made to make sure it doesn't happen again....

Katya:<BR>Here is my view on "why"<P>1. Human beings are basically hedonistic. We seek our own pleasure regardless of committments.<P>2. Human nature is such that men and women are naturally attracted to one another regardless of committments.<P>3. If you believe in God then you will understand that He made us that way for a purpose. We just misuse the purpose because our hedonistic nature overwhelms us.<P>4. We create all sorts of religious and social laws against "affairs" because we need to curb or control our true nature. We make it forbidden and therefore more desirable in a surreptitious way.<P>5. We require constant attention to our most basic needs. Family, work, and finances almost always interfere with that requirement so we turn to those who are willing to fulfill our needs more completely.<P>Bottom line: it is our nature that makes us have affairs. What about the divorce issue? Well people have always had affairs they just stayed married longer because of legal or moral ramifications. Once we removed the legal obstacles by introducing "No Fault" laws, the moral aspects couldn't hold up. We always express moral indignation, but our nature is not one based on morality. Morality is totally unnatural and must be practiced continuously and with the help of our mates. Morality was not provided by God; it was provided by man as a way to deal with the issue of God. Morality was introduced simply as a control against our basic instincts. It is very abitrary and can be made to fit any situation. We use morality as a way of putting a "price" and consequence to our actions. Obviously, the price is not too high nor the consequences too severe to prevent us from straying. <P>I know that many might disagree with me and this assessment, but all you have to do is read any of the over 100,000 posts in this and other related forums to see that disagreement doesn't negate the facts. <P>Once we come to an understanding that our feelings are natural and that the requirement for love and affection (from whomever) is a natural element of life, we will have a better handle on how to deal with it. We will have to make a conscious effort and decision to control our natural emotions and direct them in the most productive way.<P>I'm just learning how to do that. It's not easy and unless I remind myself often, it doesnt last long. The minute things begin to go wrong with my relationship I begin to think of how nice it would be to be with someone who "understands" me. And believe me, there is ALWAYS someone out there who understands. It's a struggle, but one that I will hopefully win in the long run<P>Flip<p>[This message has been edited by flipper (edited October 25, 1999).]

Why? My h. said that he was looking for an opportunity to stop being so "damned responsible". He got tired of eating bologna sandwiches for lunch to save money, tired of feeling like everyone else at work had a very exciting life. So, when the woman he had always been infatuated with came on to him and expressed an interest in an affair, he jumped on it (and her!). <P>The culture of his old office, as well as the layout of the building (a remodeled old home), made for plenty of opportunities to "Play". The OW told me that it was just fun and games and no one should have gotten hurt. She told him that it was a mistake to tell me, because she doesn't think that it's anything but a form of recreation. Now she is back doing it with the boss. They both have spouses and families. They think it is normal. But then, look at the popular t.v. shows and that is what they portray work environments to be, a place to hook up with sex partners.<P>My h. is at his new job today--I hope it is as professional an atmosphere as it seems. <P>Last night as we were falling asleep he said "I'm trying to remember why I was so anxious to be rid of you". A glimmer of a bright future, I hope.<P>Lizzie<P>------------------<BR>When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2<P><BR>

Most of the people who have affairs are not trying to get rid of their spouses, they are just trying to add something new to their lives. They just don't give much thought to the other party because of their hedonisitc and self serving nature. The OW who thought it was just "recreation" was expressing her "true" nature. It's amazing how we offend ourselves and others when we let our true self out of the box.<P>Flip

sadforever-<P>You put if very very well. The items you list seem to very close to the concepts of "Meeting Emotional Needs" and how each partner meets them.<P>We all forget at times that flowers and things on this earth just do not grow automatically. They take care, nurturing, continious effort to ensure long long term growth each and every day!<P>Again...I agree with your wisdom...very well articulated!<P>mr rlk

I never did it but I saw it lots. And I would be a liar if I said I had never been attracted to another woman besides my ex wife. Here is my two cents:<P>It's human nature, to some extent. The limbic system, (that part of the brain between the brain stem and the cerebral cortex, which is responsible for the generation of emotions), evolved to deal with issues much simpler and a life much more basic than those we face today. The defining characteristic of mammals, besides being warm blooded, is that they all have a limbic system. Very few (if any) other mammals are monogamous beyond a single reproductive cycle.<P>Humans are gifted with a very large cerebral cortex, which is the most distinguishing feature of humans compared to say, chimpanzees. That's the part where "rational thought", many of our spatial skills, language processing, etc goes on. It's the part of your brain that says "I think, therefore I am." It's the part of the brain you consider to be "you".<P>In the "Transactional Analysis" model, the 3 "inner children" probably reside primarily in the limbic system. The "parents" and the "Adult" reside more in the cerebral cortex. When people mature the Adult eventually learns to "parent" it's own inner child. In other words the Adult should be running the show. That's just one model but it's one I particularly like. And I think the people responsible for Transactional Analysis did much of their work before we had the knowledge of the brain we do now. The assumption that the "children" reside in the limbic system and the adult resides in the cerebral cortex is my own addition.<P>But not everyone parents their own inner child. Permissive parents are particularly bad. I believe a lot of people out their actually live life under a tyranny of the inner child. The inner child pretty much runs the show. It is possible for the limbic system to do this because it lies in-between the brain stem and the cerebral cortex. Therefore it has much more direct control over the functioning of the body. This is why we often feel emotions in our body. It is also why sometimes people can be "frozen with fear" while "knowing" exactly what they should be doing. It is also well connected to the cerebral cortex. So if someone hasn't master their "childhood" issues and taken responsibility for their own emotions, as my counselor put it, "the inner child is corrupting the adult".<P>So, basically, when you look at all the "reasons" betrayers give for having an affair, what are some of the most typical? These ones come to my mind:<P>- I felt so awful in the relationship<BR>- I wasn't getting what I needed "emotionally"<BR>- I didn't love H/W anymore<BR>- I loved the OP more than anybody<BR>- I felt abused<BR>- I needed more out of life than I was getting<BR>- I needed to feel loved again<BR>- I was so in love<BR>- We were soul mates (whatever the heck that is)<BR>- Etc., ect.<P>To me, the underlying connection between all of these is that the basis is emotional. The decision was based on emotions. The limbic system has "hijacked" the cerebral cortex. The only purpose the cerebral cortex plays from there on in is to self justify the decision. The lengths to which someone having an affair will go to backwards validate a decision that they made in the back seat of a car is really quite amazing. If I ever believed we were really distinct from animals, I kind of lost it listening to that.<P>When was the last time anybody ever said "I had an affair because my husband did not have a job and I could not feed my children. I needed money that the OM was prepared to give me"? That would (sort of) seem more on the logical side, although a bit contrived. Fact is it's pretty hard to come up with a reason for an affair that passes the "logical test". The cerebral cortex understands cause and effect, and can learn by example. Anyone with half an IQ can predict the ultimate outcome of an affair, especially having seen one before.<P>Yet this consequence is seldom even considered in the quest for higher "emotional satisfaction". The limbic system only understands consequences. What I mean by that is that the limbic system must suffer negative consequences or positive rewards before it can determine whether a given course of action was successful. In other words, the limbic system has to have an affair and suffer as a result, before it can see why you might not want to have one. If the limbic system has an affair and is rewarded, then it learns to do it again.<P>Now, if anyone out there didn't think I was wacky before, you do now. I know, it's not very emotionally satisfying, is it? Just the brain works like this and here's a theory for that. For me it makes it a little easier to understand. Also removes the need to find a "cosmic" reason for the affair. Turns out the reasons are pretty basic. Nothing could have caused an affair and probably nothing could have prevented it long term. <P>It wasn't your fault if you were the betrayed. If you were the betrayer, it was unavoidable, considering the way you were looking at the world.<P>That's my whacky theory. I expect a great many people don't agree.

sadforever:<BR>You point out all of the results or products of your marriage that may have 'contributed" to your "H's" affair, but those aren't the reasons why. <P>He didn't have an affair because you did all of the housework, cooked the meals, cut the grass. He didn't have an affair because he didn't go to school conferences or spend more time with the children. He certainly didn't have an affair because of your family.<P>And he didn't have an affair because he worked in an office with other women.<P>He had an affair because he had a problem with how he related to "you" and how he felt about himself. He decided to go with his natural feelings and not consider you or the kids or the housework or his father-in-law. He did it because it felt good, because it made him feel like a 'man', because it boosted his ego beyond belief. And mainly because he never learn to value what was truly valuable in life. He never learned to make a committment and he never understood how his W looks at "love" and marriage. His view is totally out of whack with yours. He let his own interest get the best of him and he therefore became brain dead and stupid. That is why when he finally wakes up he innocently comes back and sheepishly asks for forgiveness and then can not understand why you can just forgive him with no questions asked. That's because men process information differently than women and they don't concern themselves as much with the feelings of others as they do with their own. <P>What you have to remember is that it's not your fault, its his. And if he doesn't learn how to lmake that committment to you now, he is destined to repeat the stupidity as often as the opportunity arises and beleive me the opportunity is always there.<P>Hopefully he will wake up before it is too late.<P>Flip

Nonplused:<BR>Couldn't have said better myself.<BR>But we shouldn't be using the futility defense. If we wish to survive as a society we have to beat the brain at its own game.<P>Flip

thank you, flipper and nonplused. i would have written the same thing a) had i the time and energy, and b) had anything i written in the past along those lines ever gotten a positive response (no positive reinforcement, no continued behaviors).<BR>however, why did my H do it? he was getting revenge for what he THOUGHT was an affair (his best 'friend' lived with us, and made it look like we were having a good ol' time while H was working a ton of hours--but i never touched the guy. yuck)<BR>My H is totally controlled by his id, yet is surpisingly successful in the vocational arena. I'm his fourth wife, yet he swears and declares all the others cheated on him, and he never cheated on them. SOOOOO hard to believe....

Flip,<P>Well said. You can beat the brain at it's own game. Unfortunately, you can only beat your own brain. You can't really do anything about someone else's brain. Only they can beat their own brain. All you can do is help when asked, support when possible, and hope for the best.<P>I'm a bit of a "7 Habits" person. Sphere of control, sphere of influence, sphere of concern, and all that jazz. It is hard to accept, but a spouse is at best in the sphere of influence, and often no closer than the sphere of concern (especially during an affair).<P>General preachiness,<P>Every person is ultimately responsible for his or her own actions. No one can "make" us do something, and no one else is responsible for how we feel. It follows that we cannot make anyone else feel something, nor can we control their actions.<P>From this we can also conclude that an affair is always the responsibility of the one having the affair. The "betrayed" had nothing to do with it.<P>Sure, I know, standard response, relationships are 50/50 and all that. I believe it. An affair is 50/50. 50% the betrayer, 50% the OP, and 0% the betrayed. Problems in the relationship are a different matter. But not too many people have an affair to escape problems in the relationship. An outright divorce with no affair would be much more logical.<BR>

Nonpulsed,<P>Believe it or not, I'm the betrayer and I think your explanation is pretty cool. I'd say I have to agree. To me, my affair was a purely selfish action, and I definately let my "inner child" run the show. I wanted it, I felt I needed it, and I took it. Now, if only the story could start and end right there, but it doesn't. One thing that has to be figured into the equation are the things that happened in both spouses lives BEFORE the affair took place. Unfortunately, if the marriage had deteriorated, BOTH spouses were probably letting their "inner children" run the show. My husband was very selfish throughout our marriage, and he acknowledges this. Everything had to be his way or the highway! He refused to listen, refused counseling, and refused to change. I lived with this for over 20 years, still trying to keep my "inner child" in check. But, I'm not ashamed to say that I broke. That's right, I'm human, I broke, and call it a tantrum if you wish, I decided to take my toys and go play elsewhere for a while! <P>So, all I am trying to say is, rarely are affairs isolated acts that are just acted upon by the betrayer without a bunch of other b.s. preceding it and following it, too. I suppose there are plenty of people who can live under the conditions I lived under for even more than 20 years and still not ever have an affair. In fact, I'm sure there are plenty. But, there are plenty of people like me too, who break. I broke, I was wrong, wish I could've stayed a grownup and continued to exist like that without having an affair, but I couldn't. And I'm not the least bit ashamed of that. My husband was a child too, but it just came out in a different way.<P>Now, we're both grownups, or trying real hard to be, and I'm glad he's cooperating with me because it's real hard to be the only grownup in a marriage.<P>Great explanation!<p>[This message has been edited by PodPerson (edited October 26, 1999).]

Hi,<BR>I came here looking because H posted the other night for only the second time. I noticed that he had been here looking. I firmly believe him when he says he doesn't know why he betrayed me. We have been married for 24 years and it's both second marriages for us. We were best friends and I believe that curiousity began the betrayal but self-centered feelings kept it going. He told me that he knew he was risking his marriage and that he also knew I would be deeply hurt. Neither of those facts stopped him from making himself feel good at my expense. He just didn't stop to think that if I was destroyed he would feel responsible and guiltly and therefore lose any good feeling he had aquired. I do not feel responsible in any way for his betrayal. It's totally his! I was more than a good friend and soul-mate. I never!, ever ever betrayed him in any way and I resent any suggestion that I may have been at fault. He wanted the fun, the good feeling of being loved and admired by OW and he wanted to be angry at me because I made him feel guilty and ruined his Good feeling. To H--- with that! I am so tired of trying to figure out what happened! He was a self-centered selfish jerk who wanted to make himself feel good! Does he feel good now! Don't think so. <P>------------------<BR>alleyoop<BR>

PodPerson,<P>Great to hear a success story! Sounds like you (and maybe your husband too) are working things out. There aren't too many of those around these pages. Hopefully soon you will be spending all your time on Dr. Harley's marriage building forums and not so much the infidelity one!<P>I agree with you about relationships. I too believe that when there are problems in a relationship, both parties bear 50% of the responsibility. I think that applies to things that go well too. I think a relationship is by it's very nature 50/50 in all things. It can't be any other way by definition.<P>Sometimes it's hard to see our own role in things. For instance, I know a divorced woman who, in describing her ex, says he was very irresponsible with money. Key issues for her were the times he "borrowed" her credit card, racked up thousands, and never paid it back. Other times she covered the rent on her own, because he didn't have the money. On the surface of it, it sounds like he was a real jerk. But from the outside, one would ask how he ever managed to "borrow" her credit card a second time? If they had an agreement to share responsibility for the rent, why is she paying it? There was something going on in her mind too so that she facilitated this behavior.<P>I don't think it's a coincidence that recovered alcoholics have one of the highest divorce rates going. Turns out that the spouse of the alcoholic was just as dependent as the alcoholic. It's where the phrase "co-dependent" was originally coined. Once the drinking stops, the co-dependent person also goes in to withdrawal. A kind of "emotional" withdrawal.<P>But an affair is not a response to problems in a marriage. It is an avoidance of those problems by the person involved in the affair. In order to resolve relationship problems, we invariably are forced to resolve our own internal problems as well. We have to face ourselves, and not all is well. Some people are not able to do that at all. Most need the right combination of events (usually traumatic) to trigger it. And it's a painful process.<P>It's easy to blame our decisions on external factors, to say something else caused us to act as we did. But I don't believe it. Except in cases of strong mind control, we are responsible each for his or her own actions, and in all cases. The more important the decision, the more in control we usually find ourselves. The question is, which part of the brain is making the decision?<P>An affair is the formation of a new 50/50 relationship. It usually also signals the end of the former one. That is why many betrayers begin to act so cold to their spouses and literally end up hating them. The exception would be a "European" affair, which is purely sexual and involves the formation of no strong bonds.<P>I believe when someone starts an affair, they do it to satisfy emotional needs that they have not learned to control or nurture on their own. They are looking for "something" that they "feel" they need. But more times than not, I would think those "needs" are artificial creations that grow out of unresolved issues. Self-esteem, fear of abandonment, control issues, conflict avoidance, passive-aggressive retaliation, sexual addition, delusion, unrealistic expectations, or a childish idea of love might be a few possible drivers, although I am sure the list is endless.<P>I think often an affair is the "traumatic trigger" that forces both partners in a marriage to actually and finally look inwards. (At least for the betrayed. The betrayer often has to wait for the failure of the affair and the reality check that usually follows. You know, "Oops, my home is wrecked, my children in a single parent family and depressed, money is tight, my OP turned out to be a class "A" jerk, and I really do still love my ex. What was I thinking? And now it's too late.") In this way it can start the long process of personal growth necessary to overcome these problems. But the problems that need to be resolved are still internal. And now that the affair is over, there are just that many more issues to be discussed. How much easier would it have been for most people if there was a way to start this process without the complications of an affair? I don't know, but I'm guessing lots.<P>I really believe you can only change yourself, and that you really are in control. You can change your whole world by changing how you see it. By learning to control how you react to external stimuli, rather than by letting the stimuli control you. But you can't change the external factors, and they can't change you.<P>Good luck.<BR>